u/Affectionate_Bite235

I wanted to make one but i can't for the life of me find the measurements for one

Tw: mention of csa and harrasment

I'm a trans man. I was assaulted as a toddler and then as a child multiple times by different men and plus every single man in my life has been a stupid, selfish, misogynistic freak or a brainless himbo. I spent a lot of my life building up a wall of prejudice agaisnt men and sometimes i can't even believe they're capable of love, pain, depression, regret and i struggle to think that their emotions mean something. Took me a long time to accept that I'm a man also, so i guess i struggle with my identity when i have deep feelings and dreams. Don't get me wrong, i like men and male characters and i believe they can feel things, mostly. It's dumb, like of course they're human creatures and they (we i guess) have their own little world inside their head. They're complex too, right? I can be a man and have feelings and traumas and be vulnerable?

Anyways, today two of my male teachers left me alone in class with a guy 20 years older than me after everyone in the building had already left and he kept asking for my number and taking pictures of me, making conversation and trying to touch me. For two hours. I stayed because I *had* to finish the assignment. When i left he followed me for a bit. Its fine now, nothing happened but i think it triggered something because i was scared. I cant believe we're both the same. Do they have something inside their brain? Are they just stupid? I'm a man but i don't want to be the same as them.

There's nothing wrong with it. It's fine. There's too much crime, I guess, but it's beautiful and there's free health care. I can live a decent life here. But even if i get to live in the nicest places i could find (realistically, considering my career choices) i still fucking hate it. Thinking about getting older here makes me think i will genuinely end it all by the age of 50. I get so depressed even thinking about having all of the things i want and living them here. I like having green walls, plants, wooden floors, having a space to paint and draw, a comfortable couch... But when i think of having any of those things here i just get angry and i want to smash it all up even in my thoughts. I hate myself here. I wanna leave, i want to have a life with things i don't even know i love yet. I feel so small and restricted here, i want more. The only time i didn't felt that was when i travelled to argentina and france. It was so bittersweet, i finally felt free of my home but even though i found comfort in those places, i felt like an outsider and i'm not sure i want feel like that for the rest of my life. The only place where i'm not a literal outsider is in this place i don't want to live in.

My teacher made us prepare our papers with acrylic varnish, water and pigment, but i wanted to try doing that with casein, but I'm not finding any recipes. I know it's just casein with whitening chalk and white pigment but i don't know the measurements... Does any one know it? I'd ask my teacher but he doesn't answer on the weekends. Oh and i make the casein myself with milk and vinegar, so idk if that changes the recipe.

They loved him so much. Even after years since he died, I can see that they miss him and want to keep his memory alive. They share stories, his name is on passwords, they publish his pictures on his birthday... I'm happy they'll never find out about this part of him. I feel strangely okay with living this lie and keeping at least their memory untarnished. His mistakes die with me