u/Adventurous-Pin-2386

My boyfriend and I got into a disagreement and I really need outside perspectives. (We have been dating for 3 years)

Earlier in the day, his dad asked us to help volunteer with soccer coaching from 5–7pm. I work from home and was staying at my boyfriend’s place. I finish work around 4pm, so during the 4–5pm window I told him I wanted to spend some time together. I didn’t mean anything huge, just being present together before we left.

Instead, he got on his video game. At first I jokingly said I didn’t want him to play, then said obviously he could do what he wanted. He said he wouldn’t be on long, but he stayed on until we had to leave. Around 4:30 I told him I felt upset we weren’t spending time together and I felt pretty ignored.

For context: he’s generally a thoughtful partner. He brought me breakfast/lunch that day and shows love differently than I do. Physical affection matters a lot to me and we’ve talked before about different love languages.

After coaching, I felt really overstimulated (hot, hungry, sweaty, tired). We went to Walmart and he said he wasn’t going to “chase” me because he has a habit of doing that when he thinks I’m avoiding telling him what’s wrong. Eventually I opened up and told him I feel like I’m always asking for affection and repeating myself about certain emotional needs.

Things escalated in the car. He said I’m unfulfilled and that he can’t provide the parental validation I’m seeking, only support me. I brought up feeling ignored earlier. Then while I was crying he told me: “I know you’re crying but you seriously need to get a grip.”

That’s where I snapped and yelled “shut the f*** up.” I immediately regretted it, withdrew, and apologized. I know that language was wrong.

He said that was abusive behavior and that while my point about feeling ignored was valid, it doesn’t excuse yelling/cussing. I agree with that.

What upset me afterward was that he kept saying this behavior isn’t sustainable and that if I ever yelled or cursed at him again in the future, he would break up with me. I asked him later if he meant that even if I genuinely worked on myself and slipped up one day, and he very firmly said yes, he would leave.

For context, he has also had moments in the past where he has snapped or behaved poorly, and I never put the relationship on the line over it.

I understand boundaries. I understand I crossed one. But I’m struggling with whether this is a healthy boundary (“I won’t tolerate repeated verbal aggression”) or whether it feels like fear-based pressure (“one mistake and I’m gone”).

Am I minimizing my own behavior? Or is it reasonable that I feel really hurt and scared by the way this was handled?

=> Me [24F] snapped during an argument with my boyfriend [24M], now he says he’d leave if it ever happened again…

My boyfriend and I got into a disagreement and I really need outside perspectives. (We have been dating for 3 years)

Earlier in the day, his dad asked us to help volunteer with soccer coaching from 5–7pm. I work from home and was staying at my boyfriend’s place. I finish work around 4pm, so during the 4–5pm window I told him I wanted to spend some time together. I didn’t mean anything huge, just being present together before we left.

Instead, he got on his video game. At first I jokingly said I didn’t want him to play, then said obviously he could do what he wanted. He said he wouldn’t be on long, but he stayed on until we had to leave. Around 4:30 I told him I felt upset we weren’t spending time together and I felt pretty ignored.

For context: he’s generally a thoughtful partner. He brought me breakfast/lunch that day and shows love differently than I do. Physical affection matters a lot to me and we’ve talked before about different love languages.

After coaching, I felt really overstimulated (hot, hungry, sweaty, tired). We went to Walmart and he said he wasn’t going to “chase” me because he has a habit of doing that when he thinks I’m avoiding telling him what’s wrong. Eventually I opened up and told him I feel like I’m always asking for affection and repeating myself about certain emotional needs.

Things escalated in the car. He said I’m unfulfilled and that he can’t provide the parental validation I’m seeking, only support me. I brought up feeling ignored earlier. Then while I was crying he told me: “I know you’re crying but you seriously need to get a grip.”

That’s where I snapped and yelled “shut the f*** up.” I immediately regretted it, withdrew, and apologized. I know that language was wrong.

He said that was abusive behavior and that while my point about feeling ignored was valid, it doesn’t excuse yelling/cussing. I agree with that.

What upset me afterward was that he kept saying this behavior isn’t sustainable and that if I ever yelled or cursed at him again in the future, he would break up with me. I asked him later if he meant that even if I genuinely worked on myself and slipped up one day, and he very firmly said yes, he would leave.

For context, he has also had moments in the past where he has snapped or behaved poorly, and I never put the relationship on the line over it.

I understand boundaries. I understand I crossed one. But I’m struggling with whether this is a healthy boundary (“I won’t tolerate repeated verbal aggression”) or whether it feels like fear-based pressure (“one mistake and I’m gone”).

Am I minimizing my own behavior? Or is it reasonable that I feel really hurt and scared by the way this was handled?

I (24F) got into a pretty complicated argument with my boyfriend (24M) and I’d really appreciate outside perspectives.

For context, I was staying at his place this weekend and working from home there. Earlier in the day, his dad asked us to help volunteer with soccer coaching at 5pm, so we agreed.

I finished work around 4pm, leaving us about an hour before we had to go. I told my boyfriend I wanted to spend some time together, not anything specific, just being present together.

He got on his video game. At first I jokingly told him not to, then said obviously he can do what he wants. He said he wouldn’t be on long, but stayed on until we had to leave. Around 4:30 I told him I felt upset because I wanted time together and felt ignored, but I felt brushed off.

For context, he really is thoughtful in a lot of ways. He made me breakfast and lunch that day and generally shows love differently than I do. Physical affection matters a lot to me because it helps me feel secure.

After soccer coaching, I was hot, hungry, overstimulated, and exhausted. Later at Walmart, I finally told him I was scared to bring things up because I feel like I’m always asking for small things like hugs or affection and repeating myself.

Things escalated in the car. He told me I’m “unfulfilled” and that he can’t give me the parental validation I’m seeking, only be there for me. I brought up again feeling ignored earlier.

Then I started crying and he said, “I know you’re crying but you seriously need to get a grip.”

I snapped and yelled “shut the f*** up.”

Immediately after, I regretted it and apologized. I know that crossed a line.

He told me it was abusive behavior and said he can’t be with someone who yells or acts like that. Later I asked him:

“If I genuinely work on this and improve, but someday down the line I slip up and snap, would you actually leave me?”

He very firmly said, “I would and will break up with you.”

For context, I do not behave like this often at all. Also, he has had moments in the past where he acted similarly and I never threatened the relationship over it.

I’m not trying to justify yelling. I know I was wrong. I just feel confused because I can promise effort and accountability, but I can’t realistically promise I’ll never make another mistake in my life.

I ended up Ubering home crying because he later said he was starting to feel apathetic toward me.

Am I seeing this wrong? Is he setting a healthy boundary after being hurt, or does “if you ever do this again I’ll leave” become fear-based? I don’t want to feel like one mistake means losing my relationship.

Ok so I wanna keep this short.
I’ve been dating my partner for like 3 years now almost , I’m (24F) and he’s (24M).

We both know each others passwords (although I’m fairly certain he doesn’t actually remember mine), he’s never cheated, he’s never been disloyal, he’s always been very honest with everything and when I’ve asked him questions he’s always been upfront.

He’s also been open about his p*rn addiction in the past, how he needs to work on intimacy for himself, how it’s affected him growing up, we have had plenty of heartfelt conversations, and he’s been quite transparent about the things he’s done / watched and as of the last 3 years he has entirely stopped watching (and when he “relapses” he tells me too but it’s only like maybe once every two months, and not to p*rn but to like audios that are more “meditative” / “hypnosis” stuff)

Recently, I went through his Facebook searches (I know it was wrong but I was just curious and it did get the best of me), a notification popped up on his phone and it wasn’t alarming but I just opened his phone without a thought.

I just found a bunch of searches in his history of women, like twerking or like being provocative etc and I don’t know if that’s something to confront someone about it. Like should I really take this personal? I am sure if I asked him, he wouldn’t lie, but I’m scared he might feel as though I was invasive, which yes, I was.

I still feel a bit hurt. Our sex life is okay, it’s great when it happens but not like excessive which we both find to be a healthy balance. I do enjoy our physical intimacy together.

Am I taking it too personal though? The searches on Facebook? I’m not sure what to do in this situation

What do I do?
TLDR

I think I’m realizing that physical intimacy and validation got tangled together for me somewhere along the way, and I don’t really know how to untangle it now.

My partner and I have been struggling a bit because we experience intimacy very differently. He tends to need emotional connection, conversation, and feeling mentally safe before he feels physical desire. For me, physical affection has always been one of the ways I feel safe and connected in the first place. Not even just sex …. hugs, holding hands, playing with my hair, leaning on each other, being touched gently. That kind of closeness makes me feel grounded.

But I’m starting to question why rejection of physical affection affects me so deeply.

I realized something recently: in past relationships, even when everything else felt unstable, unhealthy, or emotionally unsafe, physical desire toward me was the one thing that stayed constant. I questioned people’s loyalty, morals, intentions, character .. all of it. But I never questioned whether they physically wanted me. And I think I subconsciously started treating that as proof of love, or proof that I mattered.

The issue is that a lot of my experiences around intimacy weren’t actually healthy. Some were tied to abusive dynamics, lustful attention, chaos, inconsistency, and feeling emotionally unseen. So now when physical affection isn’t immediately present, it leaves this weird emptiness in me, like something important is missing, even if logically I know my partner still cares about me.

And I hate that because I don’t want to reduce love down to validation or sex. Sex genuinely is not everything to me. Sometimes I truly desire intimacy just because I want closeness, not reassurance. But other times, I can’t tell where the line is between wanting connection and wanting to feel “chosen.”

I also feel shame afterwards for even wanting intimacy sometimes, which confuses me even more. It’s like I simultaneously crave closeness and then judge myself for craving it.

Has anyone else experienced this? Especially people with relationship trauma or inconsistent affection growing up? How do you build self-intimacy and emotional safety within yourself so physical affection stops feeling like the thing that determines whether you’re loved or secure?

I don’t want to become emotionally dependent on touch, but I also don’t want to shame myself for naturally needing affection either.