u/AdmirableLoss129

i am a thinker for sure, and last night at a meeting i had a growth moment, and i hope anyone resonates too :)

prior to going to na meetings, I was very spiritual and not too into religion, or god. I still am very spiritual—god as we know him.

but my sponsor taught me that we all have our own relationship with god, and last night at a late night meeting I thought, hmm ever since I got on medication for my mood disorder I can’t feel god anymore. maybe he abandoned me.

and then I realized that my entire life I thought of god as someone who was for everyone, unable to constantly be here by my side 247, like a classroom with a 28:1 student teacher ratio, rather than god being my own personal god, someone who is my own, and cares about me and vice versa.
when I realized that god, my god has always been here with me, and will always be for me, it’s like I felt his/it’s presence and that’s when I started seeing the magic and the blessings come in again. it all felt right.

there’s been so many times I flaked on her, bc life was lifeing on its terms, or my mental health, or medication transition, or moving. I get overwhelmed and feel pressured to be perfect or constantly show up everywhere w her. idk why I feel so much pressure.

but seeing the grace she gives me reminds me I CAN be vulnerable and I’m not being judged, like my mind is telling me. she’s okay with being there for me despite me being a newcomer and being in and out. I appreciate this.

I feel like I don’t deserve her, but i know this can be good for me. I was stuck on the powerless question for two weeks, and the gift of desperation hit me tonight and I was able to get some good stuff down and completed six question from step one.

I noticed this when I went up to 50mg. and it’s more intense now on 75. At first I thought it was funny, because it was some of my favorite songs, and that single song was just stuck all day.

Now it’s jingles, and all of the songs I’ve listened to in three days. as im typing this there is songs playing in the background of my brain. the volume is low but the intensity and involuntaryness is like nothing I’ve experienced. its like a radio. something is alwaysss playing. hey I appreciate the negative thought pattern being almost silent, but I guess my brain so bored it can’t do anything but do this lol.

westside highway- asap rocky. drunk and hot girls-Kanye. halfway there state farm. do it-Nelly.

her working at the chicken shop and her description of why it’s her hell makes sense but it still is so silly. papa legba making it a big deal kills me too 😭

so my current evil eye bracelet that I got in June started smelling like mildew and I figured although mundane, it wasn’t a good thing to keep holding onto it either because my life took a bad turn after that. so I figured F it, i will take all of the ones I couldn’t get rid of over the years (from my jewelry box, and memory box) and bury them all. I had over 7 pieces, from different life stages, different kinds, most of them broke on me, some of them from a weird stage in my life.

i chose a muddy spot near a bush that felt just right. turns out it was a little john bottle brush :) I used to love these as a kid. when digging about 3 inches deep I found a strange rusted nail that I thought was a turkey leg bone at first.

i just feel so much better, lighter and happier. even the act of digging up MUD with a hammer was so grounding.

I LOVE THIS!! I need to dig more. and I’m glad all that energy I was attached to is gone, back to the earth it goes.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, critiques, or if you’ve had something similar happen. are there any next steps I should take?

idk how to even write this i just need to get it out

i had this male cat ive known since he was a baby. he wasnt technically mine but like he was always around and i cared about him a lot

a few days ago he was SO happy like literally rolling around outside purring so much letting me rub his belly his face everything. we were at sunset and it was honestly such a good moment he looked so content

then like 1–2 days later everything changed. he started acting weird hiding in the garage walking weird vocalizing like something hurt. then he got super tired and i noticed he wasnt really peeing

i didnt realize how serious it was at first i thought maybe he was just off from fights or stressed or something

by the time i took him to the ER it was really bad they said it was urgent. i couldnt afford the treatment and i had to sign him in as a stray so they would take him. that part is messing with me so bad it feels wrong like i erased knowing him when ive known him forever

they took him back fast and let me say bye. he looked so tired. i keep replaying it like wishing i did more or took him sooner or stayed longer or something

i dont even know what happened after. i dont know if he made it

i just feel really guilty and sad and i miss him already. he used to greet me outside and now he wont be there

idk i just needed to say it somewhere