u/Admirable-Design51

I am a woman entering into my 30s. I am from the San Francisco area, but left for college and law school and moved back here a few years ago for work. I love the natural beauty here but even with an excellent lawyer’s salary, I worry about never affording a home. Also, I am Catholic and am trying to date men who are also Catholic or observantly Christian (dating and agreeing on key values is tricky otherwise), but this is generally not a religious area and the few Catholic dudes in tech here seem to trend toward worshipping Elon Musk / AI / a certain style of libertarian politics and/or Trump fanboying. (I’m conservative in my own personal habits but lean more moderate politically, because I care about a functional healthcare system, robust USEPA, and humane immigration policy. Pretty normative Catholic stuff.)

With that said, I’ve been trying to decide if I should make a jump to Chicago or DC (where I could likely stay at my current job but in a new office). I like both a lot but haven’t lived in DC for almost a decade and have only visited Chicago. Any advice or other city suggestions appreciated.

I (F30) have done 3-7 day fasts before and want to do a 21 day fast. My BMI is on the higher end of healthy and I have plenty of fat to lose this time. Have people with a similar profile had issues with hair loss on a longer (14-21 day) fast? I always take a vitamin, fish oil, biotin and magnesium supplements whether fasting or not.

I read the books — which involve no actual sex — before the show and just watched Season 3. Although I understand that it would probably be old fashioned for teens/young adults not to have sex in the year of our Lord 2015-2020 (or whenever the seasons are supposed to be set), the show / love triangle really suffers by having Belly have sex with both brothers.

In the book, Jere cheating was triple underlined by the fact that he and Belly hadn’t had sex yet, whereas in the book it’s more easily partially chalked up to “we were on a break” (even if Jere manipulated it). It is harder to imagine their relationship renormalizing, first as bf/gf and much later as friends, if he endangered her sexual health by cheating on her without telling her. The sex element also makes Belly’s relationship with Jere more off-putting by the end (where she’s clearly not into sex) — he goes from “dumb insecure frat boy” to something worse, which wasn’t the book framing, and in some ways creates *too* much conflict around the wedding (she should have called it off solely to find herself and due to unresolved feelings with Conrad, not because her then-fiancé was being sexually needy/pushy).

The fact that Belly/Conrad were sexually active for months before the prom makes Conrad look even more callous during their relationship, etc. The sex element also makes it more confusing when (1) Belly tries to brush off their relationship and is conflicted about whether they were “real” or not, which is a necessary part of the plot (…like girl, you had sex with this guy in front of a fire with the “Touching You” song from Baz L’s Romeo + Juliet soundtrack in the back… it was real), and (2) when Conrad refers to “making love” in Paris (even if he was mourning, his earlier behavior toward Belly doesn’t match a man who esteems their sexual relationship so highly).

The sex element also makes the timeline and the brothers’ relationship more complicated (fighting with your brother over your girl / his future SIL is weird enough; the ratcheted-up level of intimacy just makes everything even more uncomfortable, especially when juxtaposed with the scenes of all of them as kids. Belly and Conrad especially were platonic sister- brother kid friends way too recently).

Just my thoughts, but in many respects I wish the Christmas fireplace scene left it ambiguous whether Belly/Conrad got down to it, the flower vase-bedroom finger blasting scene could’ve been the most hot and heavy they ever got (which would’ve been pretty intense for a teen anyway), and we could’ve done without the 10 scenes of Jere dorm sex. I am not trying to be a prude but in the specific context of this show, sex just seemed to heighten trauma/drama in unnecessary/uncomfortable ways.

I have been with my husband for 7 years (began dating in college) and we got married last summer. A month later, I began law school. Around that time, my husband admitted that he’s never been in love with me, he doesn’t think romantic love “is real,” and that he decided to pursue/date/marry me because he thought I’d be financially successful and be a good mother some day. (FWIW he has a lower-income career, which I support.) Obviously, this was devastating and I felt lied to.

Now he’s insisting that if I “just try harder,” act sexier, etc., maybe he’ll finally fall in love with me; most recently, he’s even been suggesting that if I “prove my loyalty” to him by dropping out of law school, that may make him fall in love. (So far as I can tell, he’s been embarrassed by a couple friends/family joking about me being the breadwinner.) I am not considering dropping out — I am at a top school and I worked for years to confirm that I want this path.

I’m confused and exhausted. I worked really hard to communicate, give him everything he needed/asked for, and make the relationship work when we were long distance for a couple years before we got engaged, etc., and I feel like he baited and switched me. He often insisted he was just low PDA, or that I needed to communicate better if I wanted more affection, and I tried to work with that. There was even a point when we were engaged where I touched base and asked if he loved me and wanted to marry me (he had been very cold for a month or so), and he insisted that he did love me and that he was just stressed/it was in my head. To learn that he hid the fact that he views the relationship as transactional until after the wedding has gutted me.

To add to all of this, we’re Catholic, so he knew marriage is generally a “no exits allowed” situation (which I feel adds to the deception). He also admitted to not actually believing in the religion/God, although he’s subsequently tried to use the Bible to get s*x. I’m serious about my faith, and was pretty blown away that he tried that move (under the circumstances).

I am considering leaving to get physical space, especially if he escalates cruel comments and pushes me to drop out of law school, but the entire situation feels bizarre and it’s difficult to talk to friends/family about.

Has anyone been in a situation like this? How did you navigate it? Did you try couples counseling?

Tl:dr; new husband says he’s never been in love with me and chose me only for transactional reasons, is now pressuring me to drop out of law school, trying to figure out next steps