u/Acrobatic_Order_9760

My bf & I have known each other for 6 years, together for 5years and were living together for 3 years. Where we are, housing and rental are expensive, so we were living together with his parent while we wait for our apartment to be built (we have paid a hefty downpayment for it)

Our relationship was happy (at least from my POV) we have the same wavelength, we laugh at the same stupid shit, I supported his career and encouraged him to pursue it as he does mine. We barely argue at the start of the relationship, passionate long sex where we talk alot deeply, heart to heart talk, we planned our future to move to a different country, we bought a place together..i always knew he was my endgame, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, through all our flaws and all..but now as i looked back, we got less intimate, physically, emotionally, deep talks got less..disagreements getting more.. about money..chores..not spending enough time together...in the recent months..

About a month back, he told me he wants to break up, and that I should find someone more stable, more fitted to be with and he's not that guy. That i dont love him and im only with him because it's comfortable for me. I made him feel small. He doesnt want me to change/he believes i cant, it's just who i am. He kept making me promise him that i will not blame myself, and it's not my fault. He brought up his grief of his bestfriend and grandma who passed and how he hasnt processed them proper, how he feels like he always need to "perform" so people will like him. He shouldnt have dragged me along for years because he's lonely, and he shouldnt have forced me to be in a relationship with him. He hasn't been happy since 12. He assured me that there's no one else. He is not capable of love. I suggested couple's therapy, he said no.. It broke my heart so bad hearing all those words from him.

He suggested we take a break instead, so I will move out. During this time, 2 weeks he was overseas so i still stayed at our shared place then remaining 2 weeks I moved out to a friend's. I reached out nearing the end of the "break" asking to meet, I dropped him a message saying whatever it is we can work it out, i apologised for my behavior for making him feel smaller and smaller..but he broke up with me over text.

[Reasons being that he doesn't believe he can anymore. He believes i can find someone that will fit me better. As much as he wishes to be, he realized he simply cannot. I need someone equally as strong as I am. someone who can go past all the noise in their own head to be with me. But he can't.

He said he is tired. His brain is noisy. And he believes at best, we only brought out 80% of each other. And i need someone else that can see me through to your fullest. And the past month has served to make him realize how disconnected he has been with himself. He didn't serve his own needs, and it has come back asking for its debt. And he hopes the month has helped to ease the pain for me at least. ]

I have been thinking and reflecting on our relationship for the past month, and i really took him for granted. He gave me a lot, he supported me through my depression, my career, I appreciate him a lot and I showed it to him in ways I know how, which now in hindsight i know wasnt the way he wanted. Im not the best communicator, when he brought up issues to me before I always froze and I seldom apologise.

During the break i started going to therapy, it was a wakeup call for me to deal with my own anxious/avoidant issues, and also i was still delulu back then that the break was just him asking for space, we will be ok and i want to show up better for us. In the recently months prior to the break, I felt the distance but I didnt know what to do/ what was wrong and I was so afraid to bring it up to him to ask him what'swrong.. Instead, i just kept clawing for attention, and he went deeper and deeper into his games and i clawed harder. I didnt stop to think from his persepctive.I let my fear be greater than my love, I got complacent and now i lost the man I truly, deeply love.

I know we both have alot of unresolved traumas that lead to our insecurities and how we showed love and receive love to each other. He has always been the more mature one holding space for me, raising issues and I didnt learn to reciprocate it until it's too late. I can understand now how that contributed to the noises in his head, how it shook the foundation of our relationship and his worth and identity in our relationship.

I know i cant push him to walk past the noises in his head, but I want to let him know that he is enough and I want to stand by him. But from my gut, he believes he needs to do this alone and I know he is emotionally bankrupt to the point he doesnt think he can sustain the relationship anymore. I know he doesnt trust me to hold space for his vulnerability because I have let him down time and time again..

Is there no way to work through this? I truly believe what we had was real, and life, responsibilities, complacency and comfort got in the way and our communication broke down...I really dont know what to do :(

You told me not to hold on to hope,

But perhaps hope is the only thing

holding me together right now.

With that tiny sliver of hope,

I rise each morning to meet my responsibilities.

With that tiny sliver of hope,

I nourish my body, I carry on.

With that tiny sliver of hope,

I take steps toward a better self.

And I hope you know

I never took your love for granted —

not once, not ever.

I hope we can forgive ourselves

for being two imperfect humans,

unhealed inner children

still learning how to hold

without hurting.

I hope that the pain we caused each other

does not overshadow what was true —

that we hurt each other, yes,

but the love was real.

And I hope that somewhere, you too

hold a sliver of hope —

brave enough to stop running from yourself,

to face your noises,

to walk through the fog,

and find your way back to me.

Until then, I hope —

that when our paths meet again,

we will arrive whole,

two people, complete on their own,

ready to continue the chapters

of the life we once envisioned,

together.

It's hard to summarise a 5 year relationships but here goes:

My boyfriend (35) and I (F,34) broke up recently. We have been together fot 5 years, we moved in together about 3 years ago (living with his parents) as we are waiting for our flat (Singapore housing takes a long while to build) to be ready in 2028. From my POV, we had more good times than bad. He helped me crawled out of my 10 year depression, he was there to removed the walls I've built up so high brick by brick. We spoke of our future together, moving overseas, him pursuing his comedy career. He's mature in his thinking, he thinks a lot and he thinks very deeply. I take care of most of his needs, cook for him, giving him space when he needs it, supported his comedy career, listens to him while he bounces new jokes off me, buys him his favourite food when i see it while im out. He also took care of my needs, financially, emotionally, taking me on trips, making sure im happy, wrote me poems and sweet messages, encouraged me to pursue my yoga teacher training.

He's very emotional sensitive guy but to certain stuff he's avoidant. His best friend passed of an OD back in 2020, his grandma whom he loves a lot passed in late 2025. He has mentioned to me multiple times that he hasnt fully processed these deaths and grieve them properly. He just dives into gaming.

I on the other hand, could have handled his/our emotions better. I dont know it then, but i know it now. Im anxious by nature, and I always needs things to be done my way because in my mind that's the "correct" way if not everything will go wrong. We started having more friction because of these. He's the one who always brought them up, and I will just freeze. I know im in the wrong but an apology seldom comes out. My friends say that I have the emotional processing capacity of a jellyfish. It's not wrong, I feel emotions intensely, I just don't know how to process them. Maybe about a year or so into our relationship, i thought to myself, man if I ever lose this guy or some accidents take him from me I dont know if i can come back from it. And thoughts like these will bring tears to my eyes. He's my human, my best friend. But I never told this to him, and now it's too late. I'm living in my worst nightmare.

In the recent months, fights started more frequently, he will storm off in silence and I will just drown in guilt. I really didn't know how to process them. He tried to talk to me about it, saying that he felt like he was in this relationship alone, we aren't a team, I didnt have his back, my tones were condescending. I know it, and I feel the guilt. Then, after a while we go back to normalcy. I could definitely feel the distance, we are less intimate, he spends more time gaming, and I just thought to let him be, he always said he needed space alone to decompress and process.

Until a month ago, just the night before he had to fly overseas for a festival we dropped the 4 biggest words no one wants to hear — we need to talk. And immediately, my brain went fuck, and, you guessed it, I froze. He started off by saying that he thinks i don't love him, and that I am staying in this relationship because im comfortable. I deserve someone better than him, someone more stable. He has been feeling smaller and smaller in our relationship. And he has been feeling like this for years now, and he's sorry for dragging me through it and wasting my time. He reassured me that there's no one else. Then he spoke about the noises in his head being very loud, he wants to runaway but all the texts about work and everything else wont stop. He still hasnt properly grieved his friend and his grandma. That something is wrong with him, he hasn't been happy since he was 12 and he's not capable of love/receiving love. He said he spoke to a friend and the friend told him not to be impulsive, so my ex suggested a month's break. For us to think about everything, since we have the house coming (we paid a huge deposit for it). So his plan was, for 2 weeks while he was away i can still stay at our place and slowly pack my things, the last 2 weeks when he's back and I will away from our home. He made me promise him a few times to not blame myself and apologised that it's such a cliche "it's not you it's me" situation. We cried, we hugged, we held hands and I agreed to his request.

Next morning, he flew off. I woke up hoping to catch him before he left but it was too late. My world fell from beneath my feet. He messaged me on his way to the airport, still using our language (we created some weird, cute to us, texting language), asking me to remember and think through properly.

Throughout these 4 weeks, I tried to match his energy. I didnt beg him. I didnt want to pressure and push him away further. If he texts me, I will reply. As the weeks passes, messages got more logistical..our language stopped.

At the end of the one month break, I asked to meet, to talk about us we agreed on a day. Day before he texted me saying that he has last-minute work so he cant make it. I was like oh ok, I understand just lmk when you can make it then.

I tried waiting for him to get back, but my gut tells me something is wrong, like he's struggling. So I dropped him a message, a message I thought was loving and vulnerable, reminding him that whatever it is, we can work it out together, I want to be there for him. I apologised for my behavior. He texted me the next day, a message that punched me hard in my gut:

"Hello.

I am sorry I am taking my own time on this. I want to be clear of my thoughts and also for you to know that I am not doing this out of malice. I have mentioned I do not want you to hold on to hope.

Because I don't believe I can anymore. And I want you to read this multiple times to understand it well:

You will find someone that will fit you better. I am not him. As much as I wish to be, I realized I simply cannot. You need someone equally as strong as you are, someone who can go past all the noise in their own head to be with you. But I can't.

I am tired. My brain is noisy. I know it's painful, I know it's scary. But I believe at best, we only brought out 80% of each other. You need someone else that can see you through to your fullest.

This past month has served to make me realize how disconnected I have been with myself. I didn't serve my own needs, and it has come back asking for its debt. I hope the month has helped to ease the pain for you at least."

I asked for us to talk, today, not for me to convince him to change his mind but just a honest face to face talk, and for me to head back into our home to pick up some of my stuff. But he has an injury to his hand and took a raincheck.

Now im sitting here, living with my friend, trying to make sense of what happened the past 5 years.

Has he truly love me or has he been forcing himself to stay to keep me happy, so that my depression wont relapse, all while at his own expense?

What does someone as strong as me even mean? What does a better fit even look like in his mind?

What are these needs that he hasnt served himself in the past years?

Was he truly happy or was i delusional for the past 5 years?

Why cant he walk past the noise in his head? Why can't he allow me to do this with him by his side? Am I not worth him trying and so easily discarded?

Is it realistic to depend on your partner alone to bring out your 100%?

How could he have acted normally for so long then suddenly dropped the bomb on me one night, the ultimatum?

Help me understand what is going on? Is there no chance to change his mind, maybe not now but in the future?

I nagged because I care, I see the potential in him. But it only pushed him away, making him feel smaller. I pushed too hard. Maybe I became the shadow of his estranged mum, constantly poking him and his inner child.

In my mind, we were a team. No matter how annoyed i was with him, i never thought of breaking up with him. But in his mind, I'm no longer someone he can see a future with.

My heart hurts, as much as I want to be there for him to see past the fog i cant. I contributed to these fogs. He has voiced out to me his concerns but I was too slow to learn. And now all I can do is sit here, alone, regretting every single words I have said, every apology that didn't come out of my mouth. Drowning in my own doing as the lose the man I love with all my heart. Dreaming of the day where the better versions of ourselves will meet again.

I lost my bestfriend.