u/AccomplishedEnd2785

I’ve been involved with a woman I love deeply for 3 years now.

Our relationship started in non-traditional circumstances, but the connection itself was the most peaceful one I have had in my entire life.
Things felt effortless between us. We were best friends, deeply physically and emotionally connected, and genuinely safe with each other.
We dated for a year and then I moved away. It took me a long time to realize, she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I ended up moving back last summer and luckily, fate brought us back together.

The next few months were lovely.

We were both adjusting to new roles, things were hectic but we made as much time for each other as possible.

Then, out of nowhere, my life got turned upside down.

Late last year, I walked to the ER because I couldn’t feel my hands anymore.
An MRI scan later, they told me I had herniated several disks and I need to get emergency surgery or I’ll be paralyzed from the neck down.
I thought I was in a bizarre nightmare.

She was there for me during a genuinely scary time.
I remember holding her hands after the surgery and still unable to feel her warmth.
I can’t begin to describe how terrifying that feeling was.
She took care of me.
She was going through a lot herself personally but she showed up for me, and gave me a sense of peace when I felt like my world was falling apart.
Overall, I came out of the surgery happy because we caught it at the right time and I saw her waiting for me my hospital room.
However, I was not prepared for how taxing recovery would be for my body and mind.

It’s the type of pain that makes you afraid of your bed.
The type that wakes you up at 4am and you can’t fall asleep. Every single night.

I’m not saying any of this as an excuse, but I think I became a much more avoidant, stressed, dysregulated version of myself.
I’m usually a fairly calm and grounded person, but anytime I’d push my body even a little, it would push back in force.

During that period of 6 months, we fought a lot. We’ve never fought much before.
The pain started to change me.
I became irritable. I started to pull back because I hated being seen being so incredibly negative now.
I asked for space/breaks because I thought I was preventing more damage, but I now see that it probably felt like abandonment to her.
She has told me she felt unheard, taken for granted, and her basic needs were ignored.
To be honest, I was very discombobulated. I felt like my nervous system was on fire. And that I should be able to address all these issues once I got better.

There were things in my control that I did not handle well. I yelled at her. Something that haunts me every night.

Her last straw came 2 months ago when I sent her a very heavy voice memo.
I told her I am having feeling like I am losing sensations when we are intimate.
It’s not what I said, it’s how I said it. I sounded overwhelmed and incoherent.
It took me back to the ER where I couldn’t feel her hands.
And I thought it was happening all over again.
In retrospect, I was wrong. My panels came back normal.
I just didn’t realize I’d slipped into the worst depression of my life and I was most likely suffering from anhedonia. In the moment, I thought it was the same as nerve issues.

I’ve listened to the voice memo 10+ times, I think I dumped too much panic and pain onto her. It did sound like I was letting her go to focus on myself even though I didn’t feel like that was my intent in the moment. I didn’t even listen to my own recording before I sent it. If I had, I’d have realized how damaging it would’ve been.

She took it very personally. She also said the intimacy is not there anymore.
She said emotional safety and vulnerability are not there anymore.
She also said she wants us both to move forward with peace instead of the heaviness we were bringing to each other.

I felt gutted hearing that from her.
To be honest, I haven’t felt safe in my body ever since the surgery. The physical intimacy connection we had was severed.
The intimacy we had was so rooted in safety and in each other’s service, where I feel like we can talk about anything afterwards.
It was beautiful.
After the surgery, it felt like I had shooting pains up my spine out of nowhere. And when that got better, I started feeling numb again.
I’d be laying down afterwards not listening to her, imagining myself back in the hospital. I was so terrified of the worst case scenario, I stopped appreciating what was right in front of me.
I felt like I knew her body so well. But now, I feel like I barely know mine.
I think she’s forgotten how incredible things have been because of how stressful this period had been. And she was already going through a lot beforehand.

I encouraged her to let me go. She had started her music career on the side and I felt like I was slowing her down.
Since then she has went all in and she is doing incredibly well!
I honestly love that. She’s incredibly talented! She introduced me to so much music, I love that she gets to do that for so many people.

I felt very depressed for the last few months. I felt powerless that I was losing the woman I love in realtime.
Since a month ago, I’ve been keeping promises I make to myself and I’m finally beginning to feel like myself again.

I don’t want to argue with her experience. I believe her.
I understand that I hurt her. I also know that I still love her and want to repair things, but I don’t want to pressure her or make her feel like she has to swallow her boundaries again.
I want to be there for her. I want to be her rock again.

I’d like to cultivate the sense of safety she felt with me.
My dad suggested I write her a letter (he’s old fashioned) asking if she’d like to come with me to relax in nature.
Just a day where we get to sit in calm. Just a blanket, some sushi and wine.
Just try and let things feel easy again.

This whole ordeal has been incredibly heavy. We used to associate each other with calm.
Now she associates me with stress. Even texting her I feel like Im triggering her fight or flight response.

I know I may not get the outcome I want.
I know what she means to me.

I’m trying to approach this with maturity, not panic.
I just don’t want the hardest season of my life to be the only version of me she remembers, but I also don’t want to override her boundaries.

TLDR:
I pushed away the woman I love following a grueling recovery process after surgery.
How would you handle this situation?

And please appreciate your health. Appreciate your loved ones.
In sickness and in health.
I wish I did a better job.
I hope you can learn from my experience.

I’ve been involved with a woman I love deeply for 3 years now.

Our relationship started in non-traditional circumstances, but the connection itself was the most peaceful one I have had in my entire life.
Things felt effortless between us. We were best friends, deeply physically and emotionally connected, and genuinely safe with each other.
We dated for a year and then I moved away. It took me a long time to realize, she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I ended up moving back last summer and luckily, fate brought us back together.

The next few months were lovely.

We were both adjusting to new roles, things were hectic but we made as much time for each other as possible.

Then, out of nowhere, my life got turned upside down.

Late last year, I walked to the ER because I couldn’t feel my hands anymore.
An MRI scan later, they told me I had herniated several disks and I need to get emergency surgery or I’ll be paralyzed from the neck down.
I thought I was in a bizarre nightmare.

She was there for me during a genuinely scary time.
I remember holding her hands after the surgery and still unable to feel her warmth.
I can’t begin to describe how terrifying that feeling was.
She took care of me.
She was going through a lot herself personally but she showed up for me, and gave me a sense of peace when I felt like my world was falling apart.
Overall, I came out of the surgery happy because we caught it at the right time and I saw her waiting for me my hospital room.
However, I was not prepared for how taxing recovery would be for my body and mind.

It’s the type of pain that makes you afraid of your bed.
The type that wakes you up at 4am and you can’t fall asleep. Every single night.

I’m not saying any of this as an excuse, but I think I became a much more avoidant, stressed, dysregulated version of myself.
I’m usually a fairly calm and grounded person, but anytime I’d push my body even a little, it would push back in force.

During that period of 6 months, we fought a lot. We’ve never fought much before.
The pain started to change me.
I became irritable. I started to pull back because I hated being seen being so incredibly negative now.
I asked for space/breaks because I thought I was preventing more damage, but I now see that it probably felt like abandonment to her.
She has told me she felt unheard, taken for granted, and her basic needs were ignored.
To be honest, I was very discombobulated. I felt like my nervous system was on fire. And that I should be able to address all these issues once I got better.

There were things in my control that I did not handle well. I yelled at her. Something that haunts me every night.

Her last straw came 2 months ago when I sent her a very heavy voice memo.
I told her I am having feeling like I am losing sensations when we are intimate.
It’s not what I said, it’s how I said it. I sounded overwhelmed and incoherent.
It took me back to the ER where I couldn’t feel her hands.
And I thought it was happening all over again.
In retrospect, I was wrong. My panels came back normal.
I just didn’t realize I’d slipped into the worst depression of my life and I was most likely suffering from anhedonia. In the moment, I thought it was the same as nerve issues.

I’ve listened to the voice memo 10+ times, I think I dumped too much panic and pain onto her. It did sound like I was letting her go to focus on myself even though I didn’t feel like that was my intent in the moment. I didn’t even listen to my own recording before I sent it. If I had, I’d have realized how damaging it would’ve been.

She took it very personally. She also said the intimacy is not there anymore.
She said emotional safety and vulnerability are not there anymore.
She also said she wants us both to move forward with peace instead of the heaviness we were bringing to each other.

I felt gutted hearing that from her.
To be honest, I haven’t felt safe in my body ever since the surgery. The physical intimacy connection we had was severed.
The intimacy we had was so rooted in safety and in each other’s service, where I feel like we can talk about anything afterwards.
It was beautiful.
After the surgery, it felt like I had shooting pains up my spine out of nowhere. And when that got better, I started feeling numb again.
I’d be laying down afterwards not listening to her, imagining myself back in the hospital. I was so terrified of the worst case scenario, I stopped appreciating what was right in front of me.
I felt like I knew her body so well. But now, I feel like I barely know mine.
I think she’s forgotten how incredible things have been because of how stressful this period had been. And she was already going through a lot beforehand.

I encouraged her to let me go. She had started her music career on the side and I felt like I was slowing her down.
Since then she has went all in and she is doing incredibly well!
I honestly love that. She’s incredibly talented! She introduced me to so much music, I love that she gets to do that for so many people.

I felt very depressed for the last few months. I felt powerless that I was losing the woman I love in realtime.
Since a month ago, I’ve been keeping promises I make to myself and I’m finally beginning to feel like myself again.

I don’t want to argue with her experience. I believe her.
I understand that I hurt her. I also know that I still love her and want to repair things, but I don’t want to pressure her or make her feel like she has to swallow her boundaries again.
I want to be there for her. I want to be her rock again.

I’d like to cultivate the sense of safety she felt with me.
My dad suggested I write her a letter (he’s old fashioned) asking if she’d like to come with me to relax in nature.
Just a day where we get to sit in calm. Just a blanket, some sushi and wine.
Just try and let things feel easy again.

This whole ordeal has been incredibly heavy. We used to associate each other with calm.
Now she associates me with stress. Even texting her I feel like Im triggering her fight or flight response.

I know I may not get the outcome I want.
I know what I want.
I know what she means to me. I love this woman.

I’m trying to approach this with maturity, not panic.
I just don’t want the hardest season of my life to be the only version of me she remembers, but I also don’t want to override her boundaries.

TLDR:
I pushed away the woman I love following a grueling recovery process after surgery.
How would you handle this situation?

And please appreciate your health. Appreciate your loved ones.
In sickness and in health.
I wish I did a better job.
I hope you can learn from my experience.

I’m 31, and the last several months have been one of the most destabilizing periods of my life.

I had cervical spine surgery a few months ago (the Luigi mangione special) out of nowhere.
I went to the ER since my hands went numb. I was told I needed to get surgery asap.

Before this, I was a lot more intense, driven and confident.
I trained hard, worked hard, had career momentum, and generally felt like I had access to a more confident, masculine version of myself.

Since the surgery, it feels like that version of me went offline.

On top of that, I was dating a girl I love dearly. I don’t want to make this post about the relationship itself, but I think I pushed her away because I didn’t know how to deal with the pain I was in.
The type of pain that makes you afraid of your bed.
Think shooting nerve pains anytime you move at night.
I was overwhelmed, scared, sleep-deprived, emotionally dysregulated, horribly depressed and not showing up as the man I wanted to be.
I feel like I’ve been in constant survival mode since the surgery.
I was a mess. I was not taking care of myself well. But I was also not asking for help from friends. I just didnt want people seeing me like this.
I now realize how horrible a mistake that was.
Honestly, I dealt with things with her in very childlike manner. We fought more than we ever had, a lot of it was because of how I was handling things.
I’ve yelled at her. Something that still haunts me today.
Truth be told, I just didn’t want to be another problem for her to deal with. And I feel I pushed her away.

Last year, prior to the surgery, I was actually planning to ask her to marry me.
And now I feel like I’ve made her feel like her needs weren’t as important as my pains. I want to reach out as soon as I feel like I have my mojo back.
I’d like to be her strength again, and for that, I must become mine. Her thought gives me strength.

So I decided to pick myself up again.

Since last week I’ve prioritized my sleep, eating enough, returning to training, volunteering, seeing friends, getting my apartment/life organized, and keeping promises to myself. I am already beginning to feel so much better. I’m seeing glimpses of myself again.

I know I’m not broken, but I do feel humbled in a way I haven’t before.

For people who have been through a major setback in their 30s; health issue, breakup, job loss, depression, identity crisis, or some combination of all of it, how did you rebuild?

What actually helped you become grounded again? How did you find yourself again?

I’m 31, and the last several months have been one of the most destabilizing periods of my life.

I had cervical spine surgery a few months ago (the Luigi mangione special) out of nowhere.
I walked to the ER because I couldn’t feel my hands anymore. An MRI later, they mentioned I needed to get surgery asap.

Before this, I was a lot more intense, driven and confident.
I trained hard, worked hard, had career momentum, and generally felt like I had access to a more confident, masculine version of myself.

Since the surgery, it feels like that version of me went offline.

On top of that, I was dating a woman I love dearly. I don’t want to make this post about the relationship itself, but I think I pushed her away because I didn’t know how to deal with the pain I was in.
The type of pain that makes you afraid of your bed.
Think shooting nerve pains anytime you move at night.
I was overwhelmed, scared, sleep-deprived, emotionally dysregulated, horribly depressed and not showing up as the man I wanted to be.
I feel like I’ve been in constant survival mode since the surgery.
I was a mess. I was not taking care of myself well. But I was also not asking for help from friends. I just didnt want people seeing me like this.
I now realize how horrible a mistake that was.
Honestly, I dealt with things with her in very childlike manner. We fought more than we ever had.
Truth be told, I just didn’t want to be another problem for her to deal with. And I feel I pushed her away.

Last year, prior to the surgery, I was actually planning to ask her to marry me.
And now I feel like I’ve made her feel like her needs weren’t as important as my pains. I want to reach out as soon as I feel like I have my mojo back.
I’d like to be her strength again, and for that, I must become mine. Her thought gives me strength.
So I decided to pick myself up again.

Since last week I’ve prioritized my sleep, eating enough, returning to training, volunteering, seeing friends, getting my apartment/life organized, and keeping promises to myself. I am already beginning to feel so much better. I’m seeing glimpses of myself again.

I know I’m not broken, but I do feel humbled in a way I haven’t before.

For those who have been through a major setback in their 30s; health issue, breakup, job loss, depression, identity crisis, or some combination of all of it, how did you rebuild?

What actually helped you become grounded again? How did you find yourself again?