u/Accidental_Guru30

A good portion of my dad’s parenting consisted of one or two word lash outs to flex his power.

“THINK!”

“MOVE ON!”

“SHUT UP!”

“GO HOME!”

This lead me to bypass emotions and often say the first thing that came to mind when I was around others. He kept me away from my emotions because when I faced them is when I finally figured out the truth (after years of suppression). I am mostly an intellect and my dad would bully me for being “slow.” I tried to be like my dad for the longest time and this lead me to humiliating myself on numerous occasions.

My blood is boiling. He is such a dick head.

I’ve posed this question before in other trauma related subs, but I’m honestly not sure where I’d be without this. I’ve always wanted to heal, but I never really knew how. That’s pretty unfair. Honestly… before TRE, and a few other resources that we have available in our modern world… I wasn’t really living. I was surviving.

I can’t help but feel for the people who came before me without any resources who just had to survive with no hope. Life must have sucked for them. I know because it sucked for me.

🙏

I’m honestly surprised I’ve made it this far. I feel like a different person. Life for me, after about age 12, was pretty unlivable. I can’t even believe I went 10 years feeling like that. It’s hard to go back.

Isn’t this just awful? My dad used to scare the shit out of me to the point where I was hella disassociated where I couldn’t “think.” Then he would scream at me to “THINK. THINK. THINK” when I was doing something. And then he would put his hands on me and say “Jesus man. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

So evil.

The people who were supposed to love us, guide us, nurture us… hated us, misguided us, humiliated us.

I honestly can’t imagine a worse emotional pain than that. We were just kids.

I’m so sorry. I hope love wins at the end of the day. Here’s a hug 🥰

My boy Apollo died after only a few months. He had pretty bad fin rot, I used that API stuff for it and it never worked. His fins began tearing off. The fin rot turned into a fungus which wasn’t healing, I started finding him gasping for air as well as a large grey spot under his mouth, so I did a methylene blue bath. I think I put too much methylene blue into the bath, it was very concentrated. He immediately sank to the bottom, I rushed him back into his tank and he died. :( sorry man.

Can’t really say I did my best because I went about 2.5 weeks without changing the water and I guess that contributed.

Growing up it took me forever to realize my dad was, for the most part, the bad guy in my life. Always humiliating me. Always putting his hands on me. Always tearing me down. Never being good enough for him.

I’m 25 now, I’ve raised my power level so much. I practice daily meditation, exercise, work a cool job… etc. I have so much confidence that I never had when I was a kid.

It wasn’t fair. I just wallowed in self pity, thought I was broken beyond repair… because “failure” was all I knew.

Here’s a hug to those who are still trapped in the “FOG.” Raise your power level above them, this is the way out, imo. Get into a good routine. Work hard, study. Meditation (game changer!!!) Exercise. I just… didn’t know that this was the solution to self confidence because my dad did none of these things. They didn’t encourage most of these things either, because raising your power level means they can’t control you anymore. Being socially accepted by the cool kids, however, means they can.

Finally, watch some Mr. Rodgers or read about Jesus. You don’t have to be religious, but role model your life after Jesus and I think you will see how your parent’s behavior does not line up with how he would want them to act.

Alright I rambled a bit… this is more of a letter to my younger self, but hopefully this helped.