u/0000112780

My relationship has changed so much I don't know how to start liking my husband anymore but I feel like I can't leave. Last year in January I gave birth to my baby boy, later in September my husband caused his death. He expects so much of me that I just can't give him and the only reason I'm still with him is because I found out right after that I was pregnant with my daughter (in my third trimester right now). I don't ever want to have to share any type of custody with him, I want her with me 24/7 and I want to be able to control who is and isn't in her life at all times and if I leave him I can't do that. I also don't feel comfortable leaving my baby with anyone at this point and he's really my only option if I don't want to have to get a job and I want to stay home with her. All of my family lives halfway across the country and would let me stay with them but it's not ideal living conditions at all and I'd still have to get a job and leave my baby with one of them while I'm at work and I just can't do that. Every time he asks me for anything sexual it annoys me, I've told him multiple times that the last thing I want is to be physical with him and last night when he asked it turned into another argument. I've made it clear that I'm not happy and I'm only here because I feel like it's my only option because I know he'll do anything he can to make my life hell if I leave him. He has controlling narcissistic tendencies and when I want space he won't give it to me and when I ignore him he takes my phone (which has all the pictures of my son and he knows that). He also uses my son's remains as a way to keep me here. I know he doesn't care to actually have them the way I do but he's legally entitled to half and anytime I say I want to leave he brings up that he wants his part of them. He never cries over my son's death but he cries over me not loving him anymore. He truly makes me feel like a prisoner. And he always says he loves me more than anything but not enough to let me go try and find a way to be happy. I feel like he has me under his big foot and he's slowly squashing me more everyday and there's no way for me to get out from under it. He fell asleep with my son on the couch while I was taking a nap and he suffocated. I had asked if he was tired at all and he said no that he was gonna be up for a while. He knew he shouldn't have laid down with him on the couch but he chose to anyway and when he was getting tired he chose to let himself lay there and fall asleep instead of bringing him to the room with me. I know he did because he didn't think anything bad would happen. He had said a few weeks before that "at least now he's old enough we don't have to worry about him dying or anything" he stopped taking things seriously because he was no longer a tiny baby but he knew I didn't want him sleeping with him at all. He woke up and walked my son all the way from the couch and laid him next to me in bed. I woke up and he said "shh don't wake him, he's sleeping really good" I took one look at him and knew he was dead. At the time my son would wake up if either of us laid him down on his back and BOTH of us knew that so we always laid him on his stomach but that night he chose to lay him on his back. We also knew better than to speak right after laying him down yet he said that to me, which feels like he was trying to look like he had no idea he was dead. And how could he have possibly not noticed he was completely limp the entire way from the couch to the bedroom? I don't believe he didn't know. I believe he realized what he had done and panicked and that's why he laid him down the way he did and said what he said. I'll never forgive that. I'll never forgive that he laid him next to me to discover like that and he can't even take responsibility for what he's done. He denies that he knew and he always tries to tell me it was an accident as if that should make a difference to me. It was a preventable accident he just stopped taking things seriously. The first few weeks after his death he really showed me how bad he'd treat me if I were to leave him. I had sold both of my vehicles to fix his truck, buy my step daughter's Christmas, and pay off some of our bills and we had agreed that he'd drive his truck everyday and the flex would become my daily driver. He refused to let me have the flex so I could drive to my mom's where I really wanted to be and I couldn't do anything about that because it was in his name and we got it before we were legally married. He switched the password to his bank account that I've had access to for years (we had been meaning to get a joint account we just hadn't gotten to it yet) and his father was trying to tell him to take me off the health insurance so I couldn't pay for therapy since I wanted to leave him. His whole family treated him like he was a victim and I was a villain doing him wrong and he was making it impossible for me to do anything. His family didn't want him to give me the car and he kept trying to say he needed it for my stepdaughters (which he didn't) so I said fine give me the truck and I'll sell it for something else because I can't drive stick but he didn't want to give it to me because he loved the truck and felt it wasn't fair. He took my child from me yet it wasn't fair to give me the truck? So he refused to give me either of the two vehicles we had after I sold the two I had to benefit him and my step daughters. He finally gave me the flex a few weeks later and apologized saying he's not gonna listen to his family anymore and that he just doesn't want me to hate him. Now I hate his family and I don't want them in my daughter's life at all. I just don't know what to do. I wish I had a way to be home with my daughter 24/7 with my bills paid without having to be with him. I hate him.

Baby carrier

Postpartum care