u/-sunflower2-

Okay so we are both (21 F ) .

To make things worst i never noticed until we had a fallout and people told me about it .

To clarify im aromantic and never had any romantic relationship nor crushes so i didn’t even know . This friend was basically so attached and clingy i didn’t really mind until i did . She started getting jealous and especially of a male friend i had , she would demand physical touch and get upset if i don’t oblige. Would ask me so many times if i loved her and will urge me to change my clothes infront of her because bjoujna bnat . I wasn’t comfortable with that.

For the crazy part at one point she started collecting my hair… yes lmechta kata5od menha che3ri . She would take my clothes and tell me to my face she puts them on a pillow and sleeps hugging them . At one point she started telling others she wouldn’t mind marrying me and made me jokingly sign a wedding certificate ( fake) .

And all this time i never assumed anything i just thought she was emotionally starved. Until we had a fallout and finally people started telling me how she was making everyone uncomfortable with her comments about me and her actions.

Ps . I have no problem with queer relationships nor queer people i myself im aroace

I always hear that people with bpd are highly empathetic but from my experience they are only empathetic when it benefits them or helps victimize them, if not they are going to be the cruelest person you’ll ever meet . My ex person with bpd used to claim how much she hates being victimized or pitied yet she will die to play the victim , flip the narrative then act so incredibly pitiful. Later when everything passes they hide from their shame by discarding you

I do not know if it is only me but from my experience and from what i noticed. A pwbpd or at least my ex-pwbpd genuinely couldn’t give helpful advice . She has been only repeating things i told her over the years. For example i have been having problems with my family, her usual advice is .. cut them off?? . At some point i felt like she was projecting her struggles and failed relationships into me , or only telling me what i want to hear. Even after talking about this nothing changed and it left me feeling frustrated without someone i could rely on . And what is even more frustrating is that she would try to hide the fact that she gets upset whenever im upset and she fails miserably, id clock it immediately even when im so upset myself and i end as the one reassuring her when its me who has problems.

What is even funnier is when things fell apart and i told her how unreliable she was , and unstable. Her reaction was “ since when you began thinking i was unstable “ with tears in her eyes…. Gurl you told me you were unstable???

My friend probably had quiet bpd , i still feel bad about this whole situation and have no one to talk about this . I feel like I overreacted.

At first she was incredibly kind, supportive and affectionate. Over time though, the friendship became extremely intense and emotionally draining. She openly admitted she gets obsessive in friendships, fears abandonment badly, and can only focus on one person at a time. She also told me she ended a previous friendship because the friend got close to someone else.

As time went on, she became possessive and jealous. She would panic if I hung out with other people, spam me with messages if I didn’t answer, analyze my tone constantly, and need constant reassurance that I still cared about her. She told me she “couldn’t self regulate” and mirrored my emotions instead.

Things escalated physically too. She constantly demanded hugs/kisses, tackled me for physical affection, begged me not to leave, took my clothes because they “smelled like me,” collected my hair from my brush, and admitted she fantasized about me dying and cried over it. I repeatedly felt uncomfortable but kept minimizing it because I didn’t want to hurt her.

At one point I explicitly asked her not to make a scene in public if she got anxious. Minutes later she physically dragged me out of a cinema because she got jealous seeing a guy I knew there.

The breaking point happened when I was actively self harming and called her for support. In the middle of the conversation she randomly said “happy valentine.” I was shocked and hurt. After that I emotionally shut down. I became distant because I realized I felt emotionally exhausted and unsafe in the friendship.

When we finally talked, she accused me of punishing her with my coldness and demanded answers. I eventually told her I couldn’t keep doing this emotional labor anymore.

After weeks of awkward distance, I reached out and apologized if I hurt her unintentionally and said that if we stayed friends things had to change drastically. She replied that she had “moved on” and “didn’t hate me.”

Now I’m torn between reaching out again or accepting that this friendship became unhealthy for both of us and letting it end.

Im torn between reaching out or not ?

Me and my friend Y have been friends for 3 years .

For the first few years she has been nothing but supportive and kind , it took me by surprise how touchy she is and how she expresses her love freely , i wasn’t used to that but as time went on i adjusted to her needs for emotional and physical closeness .

the first red flags started showing when Y told me how intense she gets in friendships and expressed her intense fear of being abandoned by said friends, Y also told me how she left her old best friend because this friend hurt her by making another friend, she also explained how she can’t have more than 1 friend because she can only focus on one . I expressed my concerns and told her i was always part of big friend groups and that much emotional closeness is draining to me . Thankfully at that time we were still a trio , so most of the time she hangout with the other friends while i preferred to stay alone in my apartment. Y also had a boyfriend whom she talked with most of the time so we didn’t text that much.

The following red flags were when Y became overprotective to an overwhelming extent, she would tell me a couple of times that she fantasizes about me dying and she cries a lot , she would also take my clothes because she would say they have my scent, and collect my hair from a used hairbrush. She would also tell me she uses my clothes as a pillow to hug as she pictures hugging me , which made me uneasy but i didn’t say anything because it wasn’t actively hurting me .

Next danger signs was when she started being jealous if i hugged any other person or if I hangout with anyone else , at one point she told me she had a panic attack because i went out with a guy . I found myself most of the time reassuring her and managing her emotions, she told me she cannot self regulate so she mirrors me . That made her unreliable when i want or need advice , again i told her that .

Things got worse when we dropped our third friend and she broke up with her boyfriend, because he told her that she likes me more than him . After that it was just me and her , we were constantly hanging out texting everyday all day and i found that draining and i told her , but anytime i don’t respond i wake up to dozens of messages and texts like «  are you alive?? Please answer ?? Did something happen to you??? » . I would reassure her again but at this point i was so drained. Things continued and she started pointing out shifts in my tone , misreading situations, overthinking and believing herself over what i said . The first time i experienced what she calls splitting was a day before her birthday. I had the gift and all wrapped , i got a text from her « please don’t forget to tell me happy birthday tomorrow it will hurt me gravely if you don’t » . I was hurt because i felt mistrusted i told her i didn’t appreciate that and her response was if i was going to be like this to just, well basically shove the gift up my ass , i cried but we sorted things out and she told me she did that because she was afraid.

Fast forward 3 years in this friendship, the touching became unbearable. Whenever we hang out when i was about to leave she will demand physical touch, not only giving but receiving. The kisses were unbearable and forced hugs , she would tackle me down to do so , she would ask me to hit her and she likes it , i did once or twice and it felt so uncomfortable , if i refused she would beg over and over and over. So i told her i didn’t like that . The next day after i told her she acted like if we just touched shoulders its the end of the world, she was so awkward about it it made me even more drained. So i lied about my boundaries being only no kisses hugs are fine . She will later tell me she acts like that because she doesn’t know what middle grounds are its only one of the extremes. So most of the time i found myself between a rock and a hard place, and to be honest this far i was so drained to exist in discomfort , i had family and university and money problems . I was so stressed.

The first ballant breach of my boundaries was when we went to the cinema . We knew the guy I hangout with that i mentioned briefly before was there . And i told her precisely «  alright i will not interact with him because you hate that but please one thing don’t pull me out of the cinema and make a scene ». Five minutes later she was dragging me out of the cinema forcefully hugging me and frantically telling me «  are we okay now? Im sorry forgive me please ?? We are good ?? Promise??». I just nodded because i just wanted out of the situation.

Days dragged and this was my breaking point, i was sh and i called her to help we talked a little when she blurted « happy valentine ». I was so hurt i told her is she for real. She didn’t apologize she told me that i told her before to just act normal in these situations . That i did because she didn’t help so it was better than nothing, but this wasn’t normal. Who tells someone who is actively bleeding happy valentines day and why would she tell me we are friends and i told her many times im aroace .

After that i couldn’t even look her in the face we talked and hangout but i couldn’t sugarcoat my words anymore. She was hurt and she demanded we talk i told her i was in no state to do so but she just persisted… so the talk was a disaster, it was basically her demanding answers and how my coldness was a punishment to her and how she needs to know why , she kept asking questions and i kept answering bluntly until i told her i can no longer do this emotional labor . She finally left me alone .

After that we talked in university but she was awkward again waiting for me to reach out . One day we were sitting next to one another and she silent was on her phone . I went to talk with others and she decided that was the end of it , she started being the cold distant one . After a week i finally was doing better and reached out and apologized if i unconsciously hurt her and if we wanted to stay friends things should change, she told me she moved on and she doesn’t hate me .

I left her on read and thats it and im torn between reaching out again or let it be

( sorry that this is so long )

Tl;dr a sum up I’ve been friends with this person for years and recently i was in a bad mental space we hurt one another and i hate how things ended should i try talking to them again.

let’s put it this way , imagine you are friends with a person for years . Everything was fine but for the last year or so you see this friend getting worse , you as well are getting worse mentally, and honestly this friend is to blame , you love them but they are so unaware of what they do , you try talking to them but they only get defensive. However you still try but they end up doing some stuff that deeply hurt you and you don’t get a sincere apology but a justification of why they did things and it’s mainly the i know im sick card . The last drop was when your boundaries start getting violated, and you find yourself between a rock and a bad place because this friend tells you its okay to set boundaries but when you do they perceive it as rejection or abandonment . During this whole friendship they have been always anxious and asking for reassurance. At one point your depression gets so bad you try to commit, thankfully you survive this friend handles the situation badly . The following days you are too drained to treat this friend Like you used to do . Which results to them being mad at you , you end up blowing up and telling this friend everything you didn’t like , the answer you get is they were hurting too . You two argue you take your space and after a while you talk to them and apologize for maybe hurting them unintentionally just to be told they moved on .

So will you still try again, will you leave or will you seek revenge because im torn i don’t want to be petty , and i can’t help but feel like a bad person also … i feel like i was manipulated