r/kitchencels

Paddlefish steak with salt pepper garlic and a little lemon juice. Big enough for at least 2 people but no one would ever want to eat with me.

Try as I might, I just can't do "woe is me" when I yap, so heres something irrelevant to the title;

Hit new PR on the deadlift, gymUnc was concerned and asked me why I lift that heavy for no reason.

I told him, for no reason.

The scab on the bed of my 4th finger had caved in, I applied the sterilizing spray thing directly on the wound in front of him. Went and hit the same PR in the opposite mixed grip.

Gonna be trying out hook grip next, so probably going lower on the bar, maybe I will build up to it again, meanwhile it will calm my gymUnc down 🙏🏿

I was living my somewhat mediocre contented life. I accepted and made peace with the fact that I will live and die alone in solitude and I was imbued with a sense of peace with the routines that consisted of my virtual life.

Until UNFORTUNATELY I got a social job.

I (22M) got a job I thought was a nerdy job until I ended up in the interview and realized this is a completely different job.

Because the interview was online, they didn’t see that I was sweating and my legs were shaking. They thought I was a social person because I asked questions and smiled and I am objectively attractive in the visage. Or maybe the nerdiness balanced it out.

My interviewers talked about all the social aspects of my job, public conferences, panels, team events, etc. and they are going to find out how non verbally antisocial I am on day one. Because I have no friends in real life and have not had any for 4 years. My coworkers will not find me relatable because I live my life online versus them attending local events and having social life.

So the past month before I start my job, I have signed up for social events for the first time in years… I think I’ve forgotten how to speak with people.

I’ve made a list of behaviors not to do I did at other jobs and things to do:

- not shake legs or be fidgety

- not scream

- not talk too much about niche interests

- not use bathroom too many times

- make eye contact

- ask questions and try to relate

- have things to do over the weekend to talk about

- anti-anxiety meds before every event

- not repeat movie/song quotes

- not stress eat on the job

- articulate face muscles in a manner to convey mirrored expressions (smile and laugh)

Even though this is a good well paying job, I have been applying to nerdy jobs on the side as a contingency plan that from my degree would require MINIMAL interactions. I DONT LIKE INTERACTING WITH PEOPLE

Saw a YouTube interview where the interviewer was shocked and sorry for a woman who hasn't had a physical partner in several months and I almost put my hand through a wall. At 25 and the most physical contact ive had was side hugs from family and handshakes at work. I barely even got a full hug from my parents when I got my degree. What did I do wrong to not deserve physical contact, I did the right things everyone expects. I went and got stem degree with no debt and immediately into a 6 figure job post bachelor's, I work out regularly and have ran a triathlon with plans to shift more to lifting and hit the 1000lb club by next year. Ive joined clubs and done social hobbies but it just makes me feel more hollow seeing other people in relationships. Ive paid for styling advice and tailored clothes but that usually ends up with me being ridiculed for putting in too much effort by my "friend group" who all happen to have partners. Which the only advice ive ever gotten from them is "it'll just happen when you least expect it bro" yeah well maybe I should just walk around with a blindfold and earplugs so I never expect anything. Every fucking time I try to talk to someone they already have a partner or in a few cases where people tried to set me up, they say they are gay but then I hear from the person who tried to set me up their friend has a new man. Ive gotten hit with so many disgusted looks that make me want to just give up on top of getting laughed at or asked if im seriously talking to them. And then of course I get told its bad form to talk to women anywhere since every space is actually a zone where YOU are the bother and social places like bars or club events are for them to hang out with their friends and interest groups. Ive tried all the scraps of advice i could find online but yet every day I wake up and there is a heavier weight pulling me down. Every day my sail frays a little more trying to catch the same dying motivation when there is nothing but the same bleak lonely ocean staring back.

I tried getting high and it didnt work

Edit: i am a femcel