r/gaydads

Hello!

My husband (48m) and I (39m) want to start our surrogacy journey - but we are stuck when it comes to price.

In the US we've seen estimates of upper $100s to 200s and unfortunately we don't have that amount in savings and we are scared that we are rapidly getting older and may not achieve this dream of ours.

I see that other countries the cost can be around 70k or less which is more doable for us (but that would leave us empty). Are there financial options, payment plans, etc.... ? We've looked at a couple of agencies but they did not provide such options.

We're scared that we use all of our savings but then an emergency happens, something unplanned, etc.... and we don't have money to cover it.

I'm a US citizen (soon to also have Spanish citizenship) and my husband is Spanish. We're currently in Spain until I finish my citizenship but we'll be moving back to the US (I know Spain does not allow surrogacy).

Any help, tips, etc.... to help us get started is very welcomed! Thank you

ILGA Europe have not included surrogacy in its annual reports but have included artificial insemination.

That is, biological parenthood doesn't matter for gays, but it does for lesbians.

Surrogacy must be addressed as an LGBTQ issue. And opposition to surrogacy is a form of homophobia. Lack of this is one of the main reasons why things are so bad with surrogacy in Europe. It is highly unlikely that they are unaware that today surrogacy is perhaps the only way to build families. As gay couples across Europe report that adoptions have become extremely difficult, if not impossible.

Why such disregard for us? Why on Earth is Spain dark green? For torturing gay families?

Gay men have completely lost their identity. And bi men are never taken seriously at all in the mainstream LGBTQ organizations. It is we who must determine our rights and not allow others to impose them on us.

Plus, servility to anyone who calls themselves a feminist, even if they cause a colossal damage. That's why ILGA Europe is afraid to include surrogacy as it could cost them politically, but isn't afraid of losing G and B(m) at all. Or simply don't want to do it in spite of the obvious demand for it. and instead of protesting, gays write on forums "They made surrogacy more difficult. I cried all night." And also upvote biased reports like that. Or repost it. Of course, it's about LGBTQ people.

Why is there such disregard for our most important issues in these LGBTQ organizations? Gay couples can't create families. What could be more important? Could this be changed? Or is everyone content with this grim situation?!

My husband and I run a channel called Two Dads Move to Portugal, and our latest video is probably the most honest one we’ve made so far. We’re 44 days out from leaving the U.S. for Portugal, and at this point it’s less “dreamy relocation content” and more “holy shit, there are a thousand moving parts and regular life is still happening at the same time.” In this one we talk about the real deal:

• the stress of trying to manage a major international move
• selling our RV and vehicles
• sorting the house and figuring out what makes the cut
• visa logistics
• schools, housing, and some of the other stuff people tend to leave out

I think people romanticize moving abroad a little too much. We’re trying to document the version that’s messier, more exhausting, and a lot more realistic. If you’re planning a move to Portugal, already living there, or just curious what this process actually looks like from the inside, here’s the video: https://youtu.be/ecW9Z_Ha_Eo Would genuinely love to hear from anyone who’s done an international move with kids — what caught you off guard the most?

Anybody else struggle with this?

I just personally think that the world is getting so much worse, the climate, both politically and environmentally, and with adoption, the kids are already here anyway so you’re just helping what is already here. But I always thought since I was young that if I ended up with a woman I want a kid and if I ended up with a man, surrogacy was the option. Have had baby fever for years, saving slowly for surrogacy. I want to be a dad so bad it hurts. None of my straight siblings or cousins are having kids so still a net decrease in population.

And I have this compromise in my head. One by surrogacy and one by adoption. All I want is one. My partner doesn’t care either way, I’m the breadwinner and the one saving to pay. I literally don’t think I can change my mind on wanting to have a surrogate but wondered if I was alone in this struggle.

Hi all! I'm looking for people's feedback and experience with NYC. I recently was offered a promotion at work, but I would need to move from Charlotte to NYC. It's a really great opportunity, but it would be a huge sacrifice to leave Charlotte as we love living here. One factor we're weighing right now is that we are currently in the middle of a surrogacy process and will likely have 1-2 children in the next 1-2 years. Charlotte is such a great, family-friendly city so we're worried about leaving. I would love to hear people's experiences raising young kids in the NYC, especially if you've had the chance to do it both in NYC and a mid-size city like Charlotte. Also open to general commentary about living in NYC as well.

im a single (intended) dad, using celagem clinic services (Colombia)

after a rather fast procedure - my embryos did not survive implementation, so i am yet again at the beginning of the quest - picking a donor and so on.

the situation with celagem is far (far far) from being good (or decent) they availability of donors is 0. the catalog they provide is no more than a book of young and potentially fertile women - non of them are available in any reasonable time frame for donation. waiting time is 7 months at least, if one is lucky and the doner is still up for the procedure so far in the future.

it seems the clinic does little to no effort to solve this situation, and they rely on you being a captive customer at that point.

i know from a few friends that are now dads and moms that 3-4 years ago things were far better - excellent availability, great donor selection and fast procedure. They also used a different, more attractive catalog – both in numbers of donors and their(subjective) attractiveness.

i would not recommend anyone to use their services, if i would have known how fast and deeply it deteriorate

 i would stay away.

Open for questions!

Hi,

My husband and I are about to have you first child. We have only planned on bottle feeding, but I have suddenly felt a strong desire to have a supply of breast milk for the first month to get the nutrients. Did anyone else do this, if so, How did you do you get it?

Our son’s first birthday is coming up in three weeks and we can’t decide on sending an invitation to our surrogate or not. She’s an amazing woman and we are incredibly grateful for her but our relationship has sort of fizzled out and we haven’t stayed in contact much.

Throughout the pregnancy we had a very good relationship and we stayed in touch after the birth, and have exchanged a few messages and updates since. Nothing frequent, we sent her a family Christmas photo and a Christmas gift basket. Since then it’s been radio silence. Which is understandable she has her own kids, her own life and is busy.

We’re planning a party with family and friends. And I keep wondering should we invite her or at least sent out an invitation. Part of me feels like excluding her is wrong. On the other hand, I don’t know what the norm is here. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable or put her in a strange position socially. Our extended families and friends from play groups obviously don’t know her, and I’m not sure how that dynamic would play out in a room full of people who all have different levels of understanding about surrogacy.

I might be way overthinking this but wondering what other dads did?

Hello I’m a representative of Nova Plus, a premium concierge surrogacy agency working in Georgia and Armenia. We guide intended parents through the full journey from consultation to birth, including medical coordination, legal support, documentation and everyday assistance throughout the process. Happy to answer any questions 🤍

My husband and I have been looking at egg donors, but haven’t found the right person yet. We’re both white, and originally we’re only looking for someone who was also 100% white — we both thought it would be unfair to intentionally conceive a mixed race child who doesn’t even have a parent that looks like them or understand their lived experience.

But it’s been tough to find the right donor. And we’re now considering looking at white hispanic women. So, someone where a biracial child would likely look white. Or, potentially not even really biracial, since both parents are ‘white’? Idk.

We’ve been slowly talking about the idea, which we ourselves are not 100% sold on, with trusted friends and family. But we’re curious what the general population would think.

Circle Surrogacy advertises a 99.1% “success rate” — is this misleading?

I’m looking at Circle Surrogacy’s public marketing, where they advertise a 99.1% success rate and say that over 99% of Circle parents bring home a baby. One page even describes it as a “99.1% guaranteed success rate for bringing home a baby.”

I think this deserves serious scrutiny.

A 99% number can easily be misunderstood by intended parents as a medical success rate. But IVF and surrogacy outcomes are usually measured very differently: per egg retrieval, per embryo transfer, per live birth, per donor egg transfer, etc. CDC ART reporting does not show anything close to a 99% success rate per embryo transfer or IVF cycle.

The average is around 65% industry wide based on SART results per embryo transfer try..

So the key issue is not whether some parents eventually bring home a baby after repeated attempts. The issue is whether the phrase “99.1% success rate” creates a misleading impression for consumers.

Questions Circle should answer publicly:

• Is this a medical success rate or an agency program-completion rate?
• What is the denominator?
• What years are included?
• Are failed embryo transfers included?
• Are miscarriages included?
• Are intended parents who left the program included?
• Are canceled surrogate matches included?
• Are rematches included?
• Are additional transfers and additional costs included?
• Is the 99.1% figure independently audited?
• How many attempts does the average intended parent need before bringing home a baby?

In my opinion, this kind of claim should not be marketed without a clear methodology directly next to the claim. Intended parents are often spending $200,000+ and making emotional, medical, and legal decisions. They deserve transparent data, not vague “success” language.

I’m not saying there has been a legal finding of fraud. But I do believe this should be reviewed as a potential deceptive advertising or consumer-protection issue if the claim is not fully substantiated.

Has anyone here asked Circle for the actual methodology behind the 99.1% number?

Hey guys I'm teatering on the edge of whether having a kid is still something I want to do - I'm 38, which makes shit so much harder, and single - I've wasted a lot of time with partners who didn't even consider family. Guess I like a good project.

Aside from the logistics of surrogacy etc that are unique to my situation. I'm not super happy with some areas in my life ie. mental health, not having a partner, or even a solid community (or atleast it just feels like everyone is busy these days and things do feel quite lonely at times). It does feel really overwhelming and I'm also going through a bit of a midlife crisis and feel like I should have a great life before bringing any child into this world. I guess, if you've been in this situation, what were your considerations, what did you need to handle/take care of first before jumping into raising a family and feeling like it was the right decision?

Hi, 42M in the Midwest U.S. with my husband (32M). Together 5 years and married almost 2.

We were the couple who literally looked at adoptable kids online during our first date. Since becoming a couple we’ve focused all our time and resources creating a life together where we could provide a home for the child(ren) we knew we wanted. All of it I paid for because my husband needed to finish school to start a career.

Fast forward and today we’re married, share a last name, a home in a nice neighborhood with good schools in a city and state we feel safe as gay dads raising kids. My husband finished school so we both have a masters and are working in our fields. A dog and two cats. All ready for baby, but…

He while open to adoption wants to have a biologically related child. To the point he’d trust a stranger from the internet in another state to use a turkey baster and hope it all works out. And I’m being too negative worried about worst case scenarios when I say whoa wait.

We’re in couples and individual counseling. There are no yelling matches or big arguments, and counseling has helped us understand and communicate so much. But now I find myself realizing it’s so important to him that if I don’t agree to a path getting him a biological child our life together will be done.

I lost everything to an abusive first husband to get away from that situation, started life entirely over in my mid-30s, and somehow managed to get where I am. But there was a huge cost to that not just financially. I took risks and leveraged everything and maintained super high stress levels and im worn down. I’m just starting to feel a sense of security with keeping where we’ve gotten to, but I have nothing left that would put a dent in the cost of Surogacy done with the right protections in place.

I can respect the Man I love has a deep need even if I don’t understand or agree with it. I do too, the need to feel a sense of security in life and our marriage. I want to tell him I’m willing to go down the surrogacy path as long as we do it right and save to pay for it or most of it first. I feel like that’s fair to say we can meet both our needs by taking more time. But we can’t ignore I’d be at least 45 before a pregnancy was possible to try for and it could be years after that. Still no guarantee. And the world is a little - bat shit crazy? - right now.

I feel like agreeing to something so big and expensive and complex without any contingency plan is a delayed ultimatum. It says no matter what happens in life we must find a way to a biological child or it’s over. I found foster to adopt programs in my state we could start down now and it’s the way I always felt in my heart id become a parent. I want to tell him I’ll go down the surrogacy path when we can afford it and will do everything we can to get there, but that I want to agree at the start to a cutoff point like 3 years from now if life hasn’t led us to a place we can do it then we adopt instead.

I feel like this is reasonable but I’m worried taking that stand could lead to him saying we have an irreconcilable difference and leaving me. So I’ll have spent another decade of my life with someone, not abusive quite the opposite I love him to pieces and I know he loves me, but giving everything I had to give in every way and ending up alone again because I couldn’t make this baby happen this way. I’m not sure if I’m asking anything or making sense, I just feel sad. I feel sad because everything I never dared to hope for came true in my life after so many hard years, and this could be the end of it all. Not just my marriage but also being a parent, which felt like such a certainty and I framed my whole life around. Just me and the dog in a house in the suburbs. Is there any hope we can navigate through this? Isn’t that for better or for worse or am I asking too much? Thanks for listening.

My partner and I are starting to explore surrogacy and would love any advice or agency recommendations.

We’ve spoken with Circle and Hatch so far—would really appreciate hearing about your experiences with them or others. Thanks in advance!

Seeing all the straights in r/daddit or any moms in any of the other pregnancy and parenting subreddits stressing over Mother’s Day events has me thankful that we don’t have the pressure on either of us to do anything. I just hope no one calls to tell ME happy Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day also sucks for restaurants or places like Starbucks.

Hi everyone - long time reader here! My husband and I have been exploring surrogacy for a little while now, but we’re really not sure where to go first. We don’t really know many other gay couples - certainly none that have gone through this process (we’re from a smaller community).

We’re confident that surrogacy is what we want to do, but it seems so difficult to find reliable reviews on any of the agencies. We want to stay with a Canadian agency, but we just don’t know which ones will actually get us closer to building our family and which ones will leave us waiting.

Has anyone had good experiences with any of the agencies they’d be willing to share? I’m eager to hear everything! What your timeline was, how your relationship was with your surrogate, what the cost breakdown looked like for you, anything at all you’re willing to share!

Thanks for your time!

No, I’m not talking about diapers! Our almost 10-month old baby girl is moving! Honestly, it feels like she pressed fast forward. Two days ago, she pulled herself to stand up for the first time. Yesterday, we saw she was scooting more than usual. So during FaceTime with grandma, we placed the phone on the ground with grandma telling her to come towards her. One leg went up. Then another. Then homegirl sped crawled to the phone! It was amazing! Now if you’ll excuse me while I go happy cry! 😭

Hello, still researching surrogacy agenies. Where do people find reviews on agencies? Ai is not particularly as its informatiok taken from company websites stating they are reputable or not. What about parent reviews? Im looking at a few locations now but have not decided on a clinic. Im uk based.

My partner and I are just starting this journey. As a starting point, we are looking for information and recommendation on egg donor database. (We read somewhere on reddit that it was recommended to start with egg donor before anything, which actually makes a lot of sense to us.)

So far we have talked to 2 agencies and they sent us their database to browse without signing anything, which is nice. However it still feels very stressful with the limited information given and the limited number of egg donors.

We would be very thankful for any advice, recommendation or input here.

For those who have been or are currently going through surrogacy, when and how did you tell family, friends, and work? Any advice on creative or fun ways to share the news? Also curious about telling service workers in your life— your coffee shop barista, cleaning lady, apartment building doorman etc. Did you surprise anyone by just showing up with a baby?