r/dryalcoholics

Like some people can just have some beers in the fridge and leave them alone until they want one. I went to poland with one of my friends in 2015 and I was surprised to find out that he still had some of the bottles of vodka left. He said "I don't really like vodka that much". Yeah, me too. I hate the shit, the smell of it makes me sick. Didn't stop me from hiding plastic bottles of it in my car after work so I could sneak it in the house when my ex slept and then guzzle down a bottle of plastic infused, hot vodka.

I guess it probably feels the same way I feel about eating. I have some cake in my kitchen right now. I'm not eating it because I just dont want it. I could eat it but I don't really care.

It's weird.

apologize for the long post. I just really want to know if anyone has any experiences similar to mine so i can feel less alone, get some advice, or some support.

I am a 28yoF that has a complicated history with drinking. I used to have a healthy relationship with alcohol, drank like a “normal person” until around 24ish when I moved out of my parent’s home. The last 4 years feel like a wine induced blur due to the stress of being a healthcare worker, living on my own, friendships ending, life, etc. I would say 24-26 I was drinking a lot of wine, but not every night. I was able to take a day or 2 off, and had a stint of 8 days sober where I felt amazing during this time. Since I turned 26, I don’t think I have taken more than 1 day off of drinking (and I have drank every single day since November 2024 after a health scare, ironically…).

I drink anywhere from 6-8 glasses of wine on a weeknight. M-F I strictly wait until after 5:30. On weekends I can get up to 12 glasses of wine (very rarely more than that but for example, I went to a wedding this weekend and have no idea how much I drank, this is rare though) and I tend to day drink on weekends if we have plans. I drink before any social interaction, even just going to a movie.

I hate it. I hate wine so much. I have gained 30lbs (I will attribute 75% of that to alcohol). I roll out of bed 5 minutes before I’m supposed to log on to work. I avoid hanging out with my husband, walking our dogs because I want more private time to drink. I hide mini boxes and bottles of wine because the amount of bottles would be impossible. I have the worst mental health I’ve ever had, I’m so depressed, I wake up with paralyzing anxiety every single morning.

The kicker is, I want to be done. I literally sometimes force myself to drink now because of my fear of serious withdrawals. For example today, I want it to be my day 1 but I’m too scared to pull the trigger and know I’ll get at least a bottle of wine tonight. I wake up every day EARLY with my heart racing and panicking thoughts. I stare at my husband and just cry while he sleeps because he deserves so much better. I want to have a baby soon, but I can’t even take care of myself. I want to quit cold turkey, so SO badly. But my fears of withdrawals keep me drinking. I don’t get nausea/vomiting unless it’s the day after a HEAVY day of drinking, and any “shakes” I get on those bad days seem to be from anxiety. On any normal day, no symptoms as the day goes on with the exception of amplified baseline anxiety, mild headache, and existential thoughts. Then it hits 5:30 and it’s go time.

In March I reached my highest weight and had enough. I told myself to begin a taper. M-F I averaged 3 glasses of wine a night, some nights 4-5ish, and had like 8 on the weekends or something, which is why tapering just doesn’t work for me, I don’t think. Those days where I had 3, I woke up feeling SO much better, my energy was all there, I was exercising, my mood was better, no waves of panic, etc. This leads me to believe if I was able to only have 3 glasses of wine with no withdrawals, I would be totally fine cold turkey? But do I need to get back down to 3 first? And that’s the problem, I want to just be done today. There is so much information out there, it’s so overwhelming, I see people having seizures 8 days after stopping. I was only planning on panicking about it for 3 days. I see people who drank less than me saying they had seizures. People who say they felt completely fine and boom seizure on day 4. It’s all just too much. It’s all I think about, not the desire to drink, but how bad I want to stop.

I needed to get this out of my system because I’m making my head hurt going around in circles. Like I said, if I just knew I would be okay, I wouldn’t pick up the wine tonight or ever again.

Also: Not asking for direct medical advice, I just feel comfort in experiences and others’ opinions. I am not planning on going to the doctor until a last resort as I am in the healthcare field and my doctor is through my company, and do not want that on my chart. But I will if I have to.

I will tell you all my experience. I had been using alcohol to varying extremes since I was 14 years old. I am 40 now. It has derailed my life countless times and foiled my former incredibly high potential in this life. I never thought that I would be free of this demon, and through its abuse I ended up needing a kidney transplant because of uncontrolled high blood pressure. I knew it was killing me and I still could not stop. Even after the transplant I was abusing alcohol pretty bad.

I no longer consume alcohol whatsoever and have zero desire to do so, and it is because I began using kratom. That's the good news.

THE BAD NEWS: I became heavily addicted to kratom. I started with the capsules sold at smoke shops. Before long I got into the seltzers. Then I found the extracts and it was all over. For five straight months I couldn't go a single day without them. I managed to avoid using them before and during work, but the thought of using them the moment I clocked out consumed my entire day. I became numb to my emotions. I didn't feel "normal" until I was knocking back the extracts.

I used to think that the alcohol was a drain on my finances, but holy hell was kratom SO much more expensive. In every way. I was easily spending $1,000/month on it, yet that was a paltry cost compared to what it did to my humanity. I had permanent brain fog. I became an absent husband mentally, emotionally, and intimately. There was no romance and no sex, period. I worked, took kratom, and played video games. I was pathetic; I was oblivious to the life happening all around me passing me by. The blind man only fools himself.

In addition to all of that, kratom interacts with one of my anti-rejection medications for my transplanted kidney. It was raising the levels of it in my blood, and it is toxic to the kidney at higher levels. I KNEW this. Yet I didn't/couldn't care.

I am now done with kratom, but it took the banning of all kratom besides pure leaf forms in Utah to get me to stop. I will never get back the year or so I wasted with kratom.

I am an alcoholic that effectively quit alcohol forever with the "help" of kratom. Would I recommend anyone to go that route? HELL NO. Don't do it. It was a far worse hell than my alcoholism ever was. Quit kratom now, because every single day that your addiction continues to spiral out of control, is another step on the lonely path to permanent bodily and mental damage. I nearly lost my transplanted kidney, even though my kidney transplant experience was its own horrific nightmare that has scarred me with PTSD. I had zero control. Everyone thinks they are in control, then one day you realize all that you have lost and that your suffering is at your own hands. Good luck to you all on your journey.

Peace be with you.

Sharing this here because this has been nagging me for the better part of a month. February 2021 was the very first time I attempted to not drink alcohol for any extended amount of time. Between then and now I have had several sober periods and more unsuccessful day 1’s than I can count or would care to admit.

Quitting always seemed like something that would be good for me in a self help/optimizing your life sort of way. A good thing to do but ultimately optional. Maybe it’s the thing that would finally cure the intense dissatisfaction I’ve been feeling (never considered it may be causing it).Despite reading all the literature and half heartedly attempting some programs I never actually truly and honestly admitted to myself that I am addicted to alcohol. I have been lying to myself for half of this decade.

Two things occurred that made this really start sinking in. One was I received a comment from a friend who I also consider a heavy drinker that seemed to imply that even among drinkers I was known for going really hard. It was said in jest while we were out bar hopping but I think it stung for a reason; I knew it was true. And two, in these last few months my drinking had become more intense by volume than ever in my life DESPITE me wanting so badly to be fully abstinent. My drinking now as someone who feels very educated about addiction and sobriety is worse than when I knew nothing and thought “maybe I should take a break” for the very first time 5 years ago.

The things I never tried was going to some meetings or seeking counseling and at this point I am ready to try both. There are so many things that I know are at the roots of my addictive behaviors and white knuckling sobriety has simply has not worked for me. I simultaneously have never felt this defeated but also this ready to finally end this awful cycle and get real help.

To anyone in long term sobriety who was as stubborn as me, what finally worked for you?

Got some detox meds and a detox center to sleep for a few days, now I’m out, on naltrexone and have been exercising, resting, reading and eating well. Feel better than I have in a long time. Been attending AA and smart recovery meetings.

I’ve been researching inpatient programs, but the cost is crazy. I don’t have insurance, and don’t want to commit to a state run place, I live near the one I can attend it’s mostly court ordered people. The facility is pretty rough. I found one inpatient in town that will charge $12k for a month and that’s about the lowest I’ve found. My wife and parents really want me to do inpatient. I think it would help with my wife and I’s separation. Having that be my main driver to attend seems counter productive, but it might show more good faith and commitment.

I also got approved for an intensive outpatient at my local university. 4 days a week for 2 weeks, 2.5 hours per session. Total cost would be around $2k.

I have a place to stay with sober people. I think by next week I can get back to work (they gave me time off). All I know is I don’t want to drink anymore. And I will not drink today. I know internet strangers aren’t the best advice, but something tells me inpatient just isn’t for me.

i'm 21 , this is my routine pretty much , i buy a 1.75ml cheap vodka i get home & fill up in 3 separate water bottles (500ML) there's the little 275ml left over . i usually drink the rest of that & take a big sip from a water bottle & then im good for a while after it comes off i take another 2 sips & after i take a nap so that i can sober up for work . & just recently i started bringing a water bottle into work but usually only drink like half of it throughout my 7 hour shift . i get home from work around 5:30-6 am and take 2 more sips before i shower & after im done showering i pretty much just finish the rest of what's left if there is any left or i just open the other water bottle & eat & stay up till 8am wake up around 3pm & start drinking like an hour after i wake up 

but when im home , i pretty much finish a water bottle ( i usually don't go out but if i do go out i do take the water bottle with me & if im staying up late i might take 2 shots from another water bottle 

monday i will be going to the ER but just need advice on weather or not to quit cold turkey

After shift I hit the bottle shop next door to my work to grab a drink while I wait for my bus, then I grab some more on the walk home, and drink until I fall asleep at like 8:30pm. This shit is ruining my life but it’s a habit I’ve had for like ten years and I can’t seem to shake it. In the mornings I feel so optimistic about not drinking, but as soon as I finish my shift all I see is a long bus ride home and an empty house waiting for me and I get scared.

Does anyone have any advice on how to beat those old alcoholic rituals? Any advice or similar stories very much appreciated.

Over the last year or so, I've cut back my alcohol to weekends and have been taking gummies/drinking THC beverages to take the edge off on weekdays.

THC gives me brain fog the next morning but alcohol has more negative effects, I feel lethargic/lazy for days after drinking. It feels like alcohol just completely depletes my dopamine levels and leaves me in the negative for days after.

I've decided to try to cut back further on the drinking (goal is only on special occasions/once or twice monthly) and continue to use THC. For anyone who has done this long term, how did it go for you?

Since both alcohol and THC effect dopamine levels, but in different ways, what are your feelings on how the alcohol 'hangover' is compared to THC? Did your alcohol cravins eventually subside when substituting THC? Is harm reduction an effective tool for quitting or did you just end up with an addiction to both?

My therapist recommended a long term (90 day) inpatient program but the idea of that freaks me the fuck out. I told him I’d Uber there but cancelled it after I left the office. I’ve been going on a walk for like an hour thinking it over.

There’s a university hospital that does 3-7 day detox that to me seems more approachable. I have a family that i miss terribly and a job to get back to. Hoping outpatient and AA is a solid follow up.

Ive been up and down but on about a 750 a day the last week (not around my kids) on a depressed spiral after my whole circle found out about my problems. I normally hover in the 6-8 drink range but that’s like 4-5 years (some days off). I’ve been going to AA meetings even on a bender which is psycho, but I leave feeling so much better.

EDIT: Let me also clarify: I’ve been working in the bar and restaurant industry for 15 years. What started as a couple beers after a shift has grown. Most day i can run for a 5-6 drink day. Not great but manageable. But since my family and friends are texting me my first response is to dive deeper into the bottle than ease up. So there’s other concern about my job title etc and the environment I thrive in.