I'm safe and I will not use
disclaimer:
do/don't as I say, not as I do/don't do. aka my situation and experiences is mine alone and none of it is advice, just a recollection.
xxxxxx
Hello again. I wanted to say ty for the warm welcome.
I just got out of therapy and feeling a lot. This was an update to my situation in particular that drove me to the bottle.
The above is a hard but easy situation especially when you're being met with someone who mirrors your behaviors during heavy use*. A part of me is like "wow. so this is what it is like to be on the receiving end." That doesn't mean I condone it because there's a reason but never an excuse, but that doesn't mean I can't see the irony of having to tell someone you deeply care about and want to repair in the future that they have to go. It's an easy decision for your sobriety, for your roommates and wife, for your peace, for your spirit, for your self-respect, for your stability, but it's hard when it's someone you love so deeply and you don't know where the next version of them will go. Where the next version of your (platonic) relationship will go. There's grief in everything if you find it because that's what helps normalize it, but that don't mean you won't grieve (this goes against my disclaimer but it does relate to my situation: please grieve. there is no on off button or directing when you grieve. You can turn it up or down as it relates and it's proper but when there's change it means options are taken from you and without your consent. No you aren't owed anything, but also you deserve stability and to feel wanted. Yes I need to take my advice more often.)
I cried as I was getting off the phone with my therapist because there was ALOT opened up about everything this situation has caused to dredge up but the first thing I wanted to let them know as I was boo hoo crying after is that I know I'm not safe and I will not use.
But I respect their off-time so I'm telling y'all ❤️
xxxxx
* = I am california sober because of chronic illness (lupus....yay) and my cocktail of meds. Weed has a looser leash than alcohol, alcohol is my rock bottom if I do it more than a week. However, there is a point of use that is no where near as bad as my use 2010-2020. I caution of the safer side with alcohol, however it is always a struggle sometimes I just don't think of it as much.