Why did "free choice" become the baseline in pro-queer, progressive, etc. spaces?
Hey everybody. I've been thinking about something that goes deeper than "X isn't for me" and wanted to share it and see others' thoughts. I think that a lot of what passes for liberated, progressive sexual culture and expression is structurally harmful and alienating, and yet is treated as the foundation for a lot of pro-queer spaces, progressive politics, even radical anti-capitalism, while also being perfectly amenable to the systems supposedly being challenged in the first place, and any structural criticism feels impossible without being labeled repressive or patriarchal or reactionary.
I AM NOR MORALIZING OR SHAMING ANYBODY'S PERSONAL LIFE. I am not in the business of that. Structure your relationships however you want to. It's none of my business. I don't think individual shaming helps anybody. What I am questioning is the cultural demand of a sort of "absolute freedom" that is seen as untouchable, sacred even, in any sort of progressive or radical spaces when it comes to the concept of "sexual liberation", and as a demi person I realize that might mean I am "blinded" by a bias but I like to think I have the ability to understand where others are coming from. I think that normalizing this dynamic, this model, whatever, as the gold standard of "freedom" is producing widespread net harm and refusing to talk about it basically cedes all ground to bigoted reactionaries.
What exactly is it I'm talking about? Here are some examples:
- The idea that ones' body and sexuality being put on display, as a commodity, is always empowering if the person has made the choice to do so.
- The idea (moreso in mainstream society than in any "anti-establishment" cases, but definitely taken for granted a lot of the time in those too) of sex and romance in the logic of individual transactions where emotional attachment or need is a liability you need to "fix" in order to be mature.
- The idea, against a lot of real research, that engaging in sex is a basic bodily function no more complex than drinking water, and seeking it out casually doesn't have psychological and mental risks or consequences.
- Finally, the idea that if any choice is made freely, it is beyond critique, and to suggest that such choices (and I am still talking about sexuality here, but I'm sure we can expand it to other topics too) might lead to painful, alienating, empty, or damaging places is to be repressive, controlling, backwards, reactionary and so on.
This shows up in just about every activist circle, every feminist, pro-queer, progressive, leftist, etc. tendency or organization or space I have ever been aware of, and it really feels hypocritical especially when systemic analysis is used for tons of other issues people care about, rightfully so. But not this! Critiquing the marketplace of intimacy, suggesting that commodification cannot be solved by total free choice as atomized individuals, which itself is exactly what capitalism wants us to see ourselves as, leads immediately to being branded a sex-negative patriarchal infiltrator. The right has all the space to talk about the hollowing out of relationships, loneliness that affects all sexes and genders, but those of us who wish to preach tolerance are forced to defend the very superstructure that leads to it because any alternative has been framed as repression.
I realize that even among us demisexuals, this will come off as talking out of my lane. But I can't just "shut up and let people enjoy things" when I have lived long enough to have experienced the harm caused, not just to myself but to the people I love too, some of whom would defend it. I think we don't have a more materialist, structural rather than individualist way of analyzing sexuality and intimacy without appealing to "traditional values", which is the exact opposite of what I have been doing here.
So that's something I've been thinking about. And I'm wondering if fellow demis have noticed this as well or have their own honest, non-judgemental critiques that don't fall into individual shaming.
ONE LAST NOTE: I’ve tried very hard to write this in a way that critiques the system, not people. I’m genuinely interested in hearing other perspectives, even strongly opposing ones. I won’t be engaging with bad-faith replies that reduce this to “slut‑shaming” and recommend that others not do so either, but I'll read and, if I have anything to say, respond to anything offered in the spirit of the discussion.