r/cocaineaddiction

TL/dr; 16 years of addiction and I can’t stop this time. need advice, I’m desperate.

I’m a 29F, been addicted to something since my body first got drunk/high probably 13 when it was a proper first high. since then, at least one substance has always ruled my life. if it’s not one thing, it’s another and if I kick an addiction I simply replace it with something else. alcohol, cocaine, mdma, ketamine, mushrooms, gabapentin, codeine, valium, amytriptaline, anything. obviously a lot of the time it’s been multiple at once but that’s the general gist.

I’m struggling with cocaine at the minute, I kind of starting self medicating cos of anxiety and have obviously got deep into the cycle but I think the reason this one is so hard to kick is because of how ‘well’ I’m doing.

hear me out. any and every time in the last few months my family have told me they’re proud of me and I’m doing so well at the minute, cocaine. any time customers at my job have a laugh with me and pay me some kind of compliment for my personality or performance or whatever it may be, cocaine. all the amazing deep conversations I’ve had with my partner, cocaine. all the amazing sex I’ve had with him, cocaine. you get the idea.

this isn’t coming from me, this isn’t me lying to myself or making excuses etc, these are the facts. people fucking love being around me and I love being able to be my pure self without the overwhelming inhibitions and anxiety that prevent me from wanting to walk out my own front door.

I know that’s pretty fucking obvious like it’s coke? but seriously, I can see it and people are genuinely telling me I’m doing amazing, having an amazing time with me and I’ve had some of the best times of my life recently. I just get to be happy.

I have bpd, adhd, depression, anxiety, cptsd, fibromyalgia to name a few.

I’ve just finished a year of DBT, Im with the nhs addiction service, I want help and I fucking try but oh my god, I need more help? better help. pleased any advice would be appreciated.

Messed up and bought c*ke last week on Friday. Got my paycheck and blew money on it and binged it every day from dusk to dawn. Still had a bag left and got gacked to the point of a sobering clarity moment. I'm already going to NA and trying to repair my wreck of a life I've created, I have work tomorrow early in the morning and realized what I'm doing to myself. Haven't eaten very well and lost some weight already, however I'd be lying if I didn't immediately regret it when I watched it hit the water. Stay strong dudes, we can all make it.

I get that porn addiction is porn addiction. However, throw stimulants in the mix and that will truly show you how cruel life can be.

You usually hear that addiction takes time to become fully addicted to whatever. Like, smoking weed leads to shrooms which then leads to Acid etc etc.

I woke up one day in college and I hadn’t even smoked weed yet, and somehow went to bed that night with the most hedonistic degenerate addiction I had no idea even existed.

It was finals week and roommate was prescribed Adderrall and gave me one to help me study. Little did I know, that little pill has cost me practically everything. I took it 30 MG IR and was flying. I had never thought so clearly before it was great. Until I checked instagram, saw a hot girl - got horry and thought let me get this out the way.

From that moment, I had lost everything. I instantly became addicted to Stims and porn (Stimfapping). Quite possibly the most shameful and hedonistic addiction out there. It’s a silent addiction - not really talked about cause who would actually admit to it? I landed straight into a meth addicts favorite hobby instantly.

It didn’t take long to move from Adderall to cocaine to Meth and a drug so evil which is the Pyros (a-PVP). Hopefully, you’ve never heard of them. Such a soul destroying combination, yet so wickedly addicting.

Let me explain what true regret feels like - it’s Friday and you have plans to go out. Tell yourself one bump to get the legs moving and now it’s Monday morning and work started 20 minutes ago. You haven’t moved since Friday and covered in sweat, filth, and cum. It’s a special moment when you realize you spent 36 hours straight watching porn , completely twacked on any stim. Those comedowns, I can’t put into words. The regret you feel is simply indescribable.

I truly believe this is the most destructive addiction one can have..I remember waking up that morning, a normal kid, and in a couple hours my life was about to vanish.

It truly has already taken everything from me. Such a cheap and total escape from reality, days go by in what feels like minutes - you are in a complete tramce, Believe it or not, I had no problem with girls and had a good amount of sex, which is completely ruined - a girl can’t compare to that level of stimulation.

Let me add by saying, porn addiction doesn’t compare to a stimfapping addiction. Just as stimfapping on coke doesn’t compare to stimfapping on pyros . I have taken this addiction to its most vile form and can’t believe I allowed myself.

I think back to when i was 12 - thinking about what I would be doing at my current age. Such a cruel twistl, I didn’t deserve this but have no one to blame but myself.

My advice: NEVER BUY MORE THEN WHAT YOU NEED FOR THAT NIGHT.

Once a couple grams follow you home, a fun night turns into a wicked addition you want no part of.

If curious here is my full story;

https://www.reddit.com/r/selfimprovement/s/ejKyRfKiur

Oh, the way life works.

I know someone with an addiction, if anyone has any advice to help me get them off it would be a huge help I need help I need to understand better why they have this issue. I feel like I’ve tried everything and am no help sometimes I feel I add to the issue also I feel like I’m the cause sometimes. I just want to help and understand and stop sitting here with all these thoughts. I do not know what to do.

So after a month break I thought it was a great idea again to buy myself a bag of 8 g's. My plan was to just use it during this last weekend and then put the bag away and save it for 3-4 weeks later. Ended up sniffing 3g's from friday till saturday. The comedown was so terrible the next day that I felt like I had a heavy fever and felt terrible and depressed. Started using ❄️ again during 2024 after a 9 year long break from it. It first started with weekend usage only but as you can guess, it turned into daily usage after like 10 months. Consuming around 0.5g daily to maybe 1g in the weekends. I also flushed over more than 20 g's the past 2 years, after a year I already wanted to stop but I kept buying it, even after flushing it down the drain a new bag was already on the way a few days later.

I was actually doing pretty great the past month, eating healthy, working out 4 times a week and recently also quit smoking THC after an addiction of smoking pot for many years.

The bender last weekend was so terrible and made me so sick that I also quit drinking alcohol, since I always needed it when doing ❄️ or it wasn't even fun at all. I was never into hard liquor luckily but the amount of beer I drank with it was also not quiet healthy.

If you made it to this point, thank you for reading it. I see a lot of people struggling with the same issues. I guess we're all so done with it but it just keeps chasing us over and over again.

I deeply know I have a problem with this, hence the reason for the multiple times I flushed it in the past. But for some reason it still keeps coming back. At least I'm managing to take breaks now for multiple weeks, something I couldn't do before.

I'm tired.

No matter what I always end up getting a bag I tell myself all day in work I’m not touching it then on my way home I’m already feeling like one then when I do get home a neighbor over the road from me sells it so I just text him and I’m up till 4am most nights I’m doing at least 1g a day and I fucking hate myself for it every single day what is wrong with me?

Hey

Not sure if I qualify as an addicted or not

The 1st time i used it was when i was traveling on vocation and got super drunk and someone offered it to me

It felt amazing i had to buy more on that trip so i did

But that was back in feb

Now im back in my country and yes you guessed it ! Its a non alcoholic friendly country and not much fun things to do

I was recently introduced to a friend who told me he could get me some

And i bought my 1st 5g all to my self !

I am on meds different type for anxiety and depression and i know i shoudlnt be mixing those

But i did one night and it went alright, i was over the top for sure but everything was alright

Those just finished

And im thinking about buying again

But the thing is i used ti be a heavy substance abusier

Because i dont think its normal for a guy without drinks alone can do 5g easily in a 3-4 days time no ?

I dont know

I feel a bit confident still in my self that i would not fall in the trap of it, or at least im hoping that which was why im writing this post

Kindly dont be judgmental

And if you have different advices or more like pointers i would really be thankful

I know this is long but pls read :(

I (25) been with my bf (21) for a year now and I’ve known him for two (were European, that age gap is normal don’t @ me). I knew he used to drink and do coke and shit when he was younger but I didn’t worry bc he was never addicted and didn’t do it anymore (bc he was locked up for a few years and genuinely had his life under control when he got out). However with time he started occasionally drinking and doing coke again and his life started to spiral slowly but surely. Our relationship was generally good and he always treated me so well. Hes always very kind, he always makes sure I’m comfortable and have everything I need, he cooks for me and cleans, he always tells me I’m the most beautiful and most intelligent and he loves me blablabla. He always talks about a future of moving in together, having kids without me ever saying anything back. But as the months went on, him staying out running the streets became a problem again and again. I’m just not the type of girl that can sit at home and not worry about what type of trouble my man gets himself into. It started slow with him going out once a week maybe and sometimes he wouldn’t go out for weeks at a time but at some point he would always spiral again. Around Christmas he went on a five day bender. During these times he always seems to think I’m the enemy. Hes told me I’m the reason he drinks in the first place, he ignores my calls all night and says I’m putting him down when I confront him with how he makes me feel. And when he’s sober again he physically cringes at the reminder of how he acted and always expects me to go right back to acting like nothing happened. He would say he wants to stop and he doesn’t wanna live that way anymore and he wants my help. 2 months ago I told him I wouldn’t be able to his gf if he continues drinking and he stopped. He did everything I asked him to do (stop drinking, get a legal job, go to the gym). It lasted 1,5 months and then he drank again when he was out with a friend. He flaked on me and bailed on the plans we had made for the day after bc he was still out the next day. It’s something he had done a couple of times before. He asks to make plans with me, goes out the night before, ends up on a bender and just bails on me the next day. He ignores my calls cause he’s ashamed or doesn’t want to argue and lets me suffer by myself. After he did it a few weeks ago I was so hurt I probably didn’t really speak to him for a week and he was always on my phone saying how he loves me and shit. I forgave him and all was good, he was back to being sweet and attentive and wanting to spend so much time with me. Last weekend he wanted me spend the weekend with him but I had plans on Friday so we agreed to meet Saturday. Who would have thought, he ended up going out, doing coke, drinking and agreeing to do a crooked job out of town. He only told me he wasn’t in town when I said I was on my way to meet him. I called him 30 times that night and he only texted “I’m so sorry” the next day. That week he didn’t apologise like the last time, he said things like “if you had been there on Friday, this would have never happened so who’s fault is it.” We only met up a week later and he finally confided in me saying his problem is really coke not liquor and he’s been doing coke and going on benders pretty frequently the past months. It pretty much aligns with the times hes been horrible to me and left me hanging. We made up, he was on cloud 9 again talking about the future he incisions for us and how he wants to have a child with me blablabla. A few days later we fought bc I demanded he tells me about this job he did and I got so frustrated I started hitting him. He had to physically restrain me and at first he was upset but after I apologised he went back to being so loving. We parted ways that day with us giggling and chatting and him giving me a thousand kisses… you know what’s coming. He went out that night and same shit different day, I call him ask when he’ll go home, he says soon, he stays out, I can’t sleep, he starts ignoring me, lies and says he’s sober. That morning I called and he blew up at me saying I want to control his life and I’m the one who causes conflict cause I want to tell him what to do blablabla. I texted him saying if he wants to break up he can just do it and there be no bad blood. He ignores me for a day and I call him a dozen times bc I just can’t take this anymore. If he wants to run the streets and do coke as he pleases he can but I just want a clean cut. He picked the phone up today and he was so mean to me. He said hed been drinking and doing coke and gambling all night and when I cried he told me to not be a pussy. On instagram he posted videos of him beating this guy hes had beef with for years. He kept saying he doesn’t want to break up with me and he loves me but that I don’t have the right to tell him to go home at night if I don’t live with him. Hes so mean and unempathetic when he’s high and the complete opposite when he’s sober. If he just told me that he wants to live his life on his own terms I’d let it go and move on but he keeps saying he loves me and doesn’t want to break up but then drags me through the mud when he spirals. I can’t tell anybody about this cause I’m ashamed that I let myself get treated this way. I’ve never had a problem walking away but this time is different. I’m so attached and I always have hope that it’ll be okay but this time feels so rough. I just don’t understand how he can treat me this way.

I originally copped about an OZ of ❄️ to sell for myself and since Ive started working this night shift I've been using ❄️ heavily every single *work* night/day I don't want to depend on using ❄️ for my own performance needs or to stay awake, literally my 4th day into the night shift I killed.about 3gs myself (never done cocaine by myself before this btw) I dont want to become addicted but I already feel it coming on that "itch" you get. My homies already noticed I've been using when at work and they shoot me a phone call. I don't want to continue the use of this drug I already can barely breathe from my nose and all that is coming out is blood.

need help, not life or death just need help rn, too overestimulated for a call. please please please