u/chronicfairy — reddlx

TL/dr; 16 years of addiction and I can’t stop this time. need advice, I’m desperate.

I’m a 29F, been addicted to something since my body first got drunk/high probably 13 when it was a proper first high. since then, at least one substance has always ruled my life. if it’s not one thing, it’s another and if I kick an addiction I simply replace it with something else. alcohol, cocaine, mdma, ketamine, mushrooms, gabapentin, codeine, valium, amytriptaline, anything. obviously a lot of the time it’s been multiple at once but that’s the general gist.

I’m struggling with cocaine at the minute, I kind of starting self medicating cos of anxiety and have obviously got deep into the cycle but I think the reason this one is so hard to kick is because of how ‘well’ I’m doing.

hear me out. any and every time in the last few months my family have told me they’re proud of me and I’m doing so well at the minute, cocaine. any time customers at my job have a laugh with me and pay me some kind of compliment for my personality or performance or whatever it may be, cocaine. all the amazing deep conversations I’ve had with my partner, cocaine. all the amazing sex I’ve had with him, cocaine. you get the idea.

this isn’t coming from me, this isn’t me lying to myself or making excuses etc, these are the facts. people fucking love being around me and I love being able to be my pure self without the overwhelming inhibitions and anxiety that prevent me from wanting to walk out my own front door.

I know that’s pretty fucking obvious like it’s coke? but seriously, I can see it and people are genuinely telling me I’m doing amazing, having an amazing time with me and I’ve had some of the best times of my life recently. I just get to be happy.

I have bpd, adhd, depression, anxiety, cptsd, fibromyalgia to name a few.

I’ve just finished a year of DBT, Im with the nhs addiction service, I want help and I fucking try but oh my god, I need more help? better help. pleased any advice would be appreciated.