I know this is long but pls read :(
I (25) been with my bf (21) for a year now and I’ve known him for two (were European, that age gap is normal don’t @ me). I knew he used to drink and do coke and shit when he was younger but I didn’t worry bc he was never addicted and didn’t do it anymore (bc he was locked up for a few years and genuinely had his life under control when he got out). However with time he started occasionally drinking and doing coke again and his life started to spiral slowly but surely. Our relationship was generally good and he always treated me so well. Hes always very kind, he always makes sure I’m comfortable and have everything I need, he cooks for me and cleans, he always tells me I’m the most beautiful and most intelligent and he loves me blablabla. He always talks about a future of moving in together, having kids without me ever saying anything back. But as the months went on, him staying out running the streets became a problem again and again. I’m just not the type of girl that can sit at home and not worry about what type of trouble my man gets himself into. It started slow with him going out once a week maybe and sometimes he wouldn’t go out for weeks at a time but at some point he would always spiral again. Around Christmas he went on a five day bender. During these times he always seems to think I’m the enemy. Hes told me I’m the reason he drinks in the first place, he ignores my calls all night and says I’m putting him down when I confront him with how he makes me feel. And when he’s sober again he physically cringes at the reminder of how he acted and always expects me to go right back to acting like nothing happened. He would say he wants to stop and he doesn’t wanna live that way anymore and he wants my help. 2 months ago I told him I wouldn’t be able to his gf if he continues drinking and he stopped. He did everything I asked him to do (stop drinking, get a legal job, go to the gym). It lasted 1,5 months and then he drank again when he was out with a friend. He flaked on me and bailed on the plans we had made for the day after bc he was still out the next day. It’s something he had done a couple of times before. He asks to make plans with me, goes out the night before, ends up on a bender and just bails on me the next day. He ignores my calls cause he’s ashamed or doesn’t want to argue and lets me suffer by myself. After he did it a few weeks ago I was so hurt I probably didn’t really speak to him for a week and he was always on my phone saying how he loves me and shit. I forgave him and all was good, he was back to being sweet and attentive and wanting to spend so much time with me. Last weekend he wanted me spend the weekend with him but I had plans on Friday so we agreed to meet Saturday. Who would have thought, he ended up going out, doing coke, drinking and agreeing to do a crooked job out of town. He only told me he wasn’t in town when I said I was on my way to meet him. I called him 30 times that night and he only texted “I’m so sorry” the next day. That week he didn’t apologise like the last time, he said things like “if you had been there on Friday, this would have never happened so who’s fault is it.” We only met up a week later and he finally confided in me saying his problem is really coke not liquor and he’s been doing coke and going on benders pretty frequently the past months. It pretty much aligns with the times hes been horrible to me and left me hanging. We made up, he was on cloud 9 again talking about the future he incisions for us and how he wants to have a child with me blablabla. A few days later we fought bc I demanded he tells me about this job he did and I got so frustrated I started hitting him. He had to physically restrain me and at first he was upset but after I apologised he went back to being so loving. We parted ways that day with us giggling and chatting and him giving me a thousand kisses… you know what’s coming. He went out that night and same shit different day, I call him ask when he’ll go home, he says soon, he stays out, I can’t sleep, he starts ignoring me, lies and says he’s sober. That morning I called and he blew up at me saying I want to control his life and I’m the one who causes conflict cause I want to tell him what to do blablabla. I texted him saying if he wants to break up he can just do it and there be no bad blood. He ignores me for a day and I call him a dozen times bc I just can’t take this anymore. If he wants to run the streets and do coke as he pleases he can but I just want a clean cut. He picked the phone up today and he was so mean to me. He said hed been drinking and doing coke and gambling all night and when I cried he told me to not be a pussy. On instagram he posted videos of him beating this guy hes had beef with for years. He kept saying he doesn’t want to break up with me and he loves me but that I don’t have the right to tell him to go home at night if I don’t live with him. Hes so mean and unempathetic when he’s high and the complete opposite when he’s sober. If he just told me that he wants to live his life on his own terms I’d let it go and move on but he keeps saying he loves me and doesn’t want to break up but then drags me through the mud when he spirals. I can’t tell anybody about this cause I’m ashamed that I let myself get treated this way. I’ve never had a problem walking away but this time is different. I’m so attached and I always have hope that it’ll be okay but this time feels so rough. I just don’t understand how he can treat me this way.