r/TransAdvice

im a 24 year old NB who uses they/them but is toying with the idea of he/they and he/him quite a bit personally and out loud with friends and partner.

i have a pretty public facing profession, that is becoming WAY more public after taking a new job a few weeks ago. in one week, our new website and social media channels will launch to the public and start getting updated daily. while this is awesome and a total career-launcher, it’s got my stomach in a twist.

with this company, i’ve been using they/them exclusively, something i’ve never done before. and with all of our promotion posts to get going, i’m using they/them to describe myself. i’ll also use it in my biography, which will be attached to everything i do on the website. the problem? my parents are extremely trans and homophobic, more so trans in my opinion.

think a christian nationalist, evangelical, narcissistic mother with a clear personality disorder who’s untreated, and a father who loves his kids with all his heart but grew up catholic, huge family, and has been warped worse over time by my mother and trump (not to absolve him of all guilt, of course). also think coming out as sexually queer as a teen and being sent to talk conversion therapy for a year with a church member that they said never happened.

i think my moms a lost cause at this point, as she’s just gotten worse over time, particularly this last year. i have a very close relationship with my dad as the oldest kid, even with our major belief differences.

the point here is, in one week, they will see that launch for my job. while my dad might not get it at first, my mom HUNTS for this kind of information to use as ammo. i’m also pretty sure she’s starting clocking me at 4 months on T. (and saw they/them in my email sign off the other day but said nothing)

what do i do? do i take it as it comes, deny it outright, or let them know? i know ive kind of already decided to blow it up by using they/them publicly, but im scared. my dad just got out of major surgery as well, and my mom is taking care of him, meaning for the first time in 20 years that might actually be getting closer from something that isn’t hate, meaning they may unite on this.

sooo yeah basically the title. I don't really have anyone in my life. I was talking in depth about this at least right now so I think I just need to type this all out so it can stop eating at me.

The first time I actually thought about being a boy I was 13. I would tuck my hair into a beanie and wear baggy clothes in my room but im from the deep deep south so i never actually let it go any farther than that. I'm 23 now, it's not necessarily relevant but my life has always been chaotic with so much with my family, my mental health and whatnot. I never have had time to think about my own identity like that, until recently. Life has calmed down a lot, I have a loving boyfriend of 3 years, my best friend who is everything to me, and im pursuing things i have career wise. One night i was rewatching heated rivalry, as one does, and it kind of just hit me. I want to look like that, not just look like that but be able to live like a man.I like men, obv, but i've pretty much always known im bisexual. but it just felt like i want to kiss a man but also like i want to be a man kissing a man but also i want to be a man kissing a women.... if that makes sense. I felt so weird going on twitter and seeing people like 'omg i wanna be a fly on the wall' or like ' i wanna be watching them' ... I was like okay so am I the only one who wants to be Shane or Ilya?

I workout pretty constantly but I've always hated my body, but i got up from my bed and looked in the mirror and imaged seeing my boy as if it weren't mine but if it was a mans and i loved it.I've always hated my boobs and i hated when people would say i was lucky bc i didnt feel lucky, i felt like i wanted to cut them off. I cried so hard I felt like I was going to throw up. It just felt like everything clicked. I was considered a tom boy growing up. I would scream and cry about makeup and dress. My mom would do my makeup for dances and I always hated it, it felt like a liar. But ever since I had that thought, I can't stop thinking about it. I've been dressing more masc, i got a shorter haircut, and i tried to tap binding for the first time today and it actually made me so happy. I still feel confused and I haven't stopped crying. It's been afew months now and I just feel so fake now, all the time. My work called me into a meeting saying I was acting differently and that they were worried about me and I just didn't even know what to say. I just cried.

The problem is I don't know what to do. I recently told my best friend and boyfriend what I think. might not be a girl, they were supportive as i thought they would be, but my boyfriend was feeling iffy about continuing our relationship if i were to transition.. I love him, I just dont know if i can keep lying to myself that i can keep being a woman. I haven't even told my mom, she lived a few hours away and I couldn't possibly do that over the phone. Maybe i can go see her this week and i can give an update but i might pussy out on telling her.

So i guess like any advice would be great.. i feel like im floating in space rn and i have no rope or anything!!!

I put this under rant tag bc i didnt see an advice thing but yeah.. advice or just like helping me not feel like im losing my mind would be amazing.

also unrelated drop some hollanov fan fics recs pls....