u/West_Perception_920

hello
I posted on here yesterday talking about how I basically come to terms with me being trans. I kind of vaguely told my boyfriend how I felt and he is supportive, but I didn’t really go into details about how I want to transition how I fully feel like a man and I feel like I should. I feel like every day I could just crawl at my skin and pray that i’d wake up tmr and i would have born a boy. i never thought id be crying because i wasn’t born with a penis but here we are.

today’s been kind of extra hard because it’s Mother’s Day and I really miss my mom. I didn’t get to go see her this weekend like I wanted to because I had stuff for work I needed to do and I have exams starting tomorrow at my university.

I never really noticed how often people used gender language until recently. Like it hurts hearing something being said to me that is inherently feminine I know nobody knows. So I can’t blame them. But every day I feel like such a liar. It hurts only being able to be myself at home, or what makes me feel more like myself but outside i have to be someone different ,who is excepted of me and it’s not like i can even try to come out right now. i feel so stuck , in my body, in my situation, in texas, everything just feel so suffocating.

I thought I was doing a good job at hiding everything. But last week I got called into a meeting at work with the owner and she basically sat me down and told me that she and my manager had noticed something’s about me were different. like the way i carried myself, the way i talked to people, would be in back of house doing stuff instead of upfront. and that because im in a leadership position im not setting a good example for people. they said it wasn’t like me and didn’t know what was going on but they were there for me but also were basically like…

”you need to learn how to shut it off at work.”

like okay…yeah…i would love to…

but okay rant over …thank you for reading if you did. any advice or just like words of encouragement would be great. like i said in the heated rivalry post i don’t really have anyone in my life i can talk to in depth about this so i made this account to hopefully have some kind of outlet so i don’t go insane.

sooo yeah basically the title. I don't really have anyone in my life. I was talking in depth about this at least right now so I think I just need to type this all out so it can stop eating at me.

The first time I actually thought about being a boy I was 13. I would tuck my hair into a beanie and wear baggy clothes in my room but im from the deep deep south so i never actually let it go any farther than that. I'm 23 now, it's not necessarily relevant but my life has always been chaotic with so much with my family, my mental health and whatnot. I never have had time to think about my own identity like that, until recently. Life has calmed down a lot, I have a loving boyfriend of 3 years, my best friend who is everything to me, and im pursuing things i have career wise. One night i was rewatching heated rivalry, as one does, and it kind of just hit me. I want to look like that, not just look like that but be able to live like a man.I like men, obv, but i've pretty much always known im bisexual. but it just felt like i want to kiss a man but also like i want to be a man kissing a man but also i want to be a man kissing a women.... if that makes sense. I felt so weird going on twitter and seeing people like 'omg i wanna be a fly on the wall' or like ' i wanna be watching them' ... I was like okay so am I the only one who wants to be Shane or Ilya?

I workout pretty constantly but I've always hated my body, but i got up from my bed and looked in the mirror and imaged seeing my boy as if it weren't mine but if it was a mans and i loved it.I've always hated my boobs and i hated when people would say i was lucky bc i didnt feel lucky, i felt like i wanted to cut them off. I cried so hard I felt like I was going to throw up. It just felt like everything clicked. I was considered a tom boy growing up. I would scream and cry about makeup and dress. My mom would do my makeup for dances and I always hated it, it felt like a liar. But ever since I had that thought, I can't stop thinking about it. I've been dressing more masc, i got a shorter haircut, and i tried to tap binding for the first time today and it actually made me so happy. I still feel confused and I haven't stopped crying. It's been afew months now and I just feel so fake now, all the time. My work called me into a meeting saying I was acting differently and that they were worried about me and I just didn't even know what to say. I just cried.

The problem is I don't know what to do. I recently told my best friend and boyfriend what I think. might not be a girl, they were supportive as i thought they would be, but my boyfriend was feeling iffy about continuing our relationship if i were to transition.. I love him, I just dont know if i can keep lying to myself that i can keep being a woman. I haven't even told my mom, she lived a few hours away and I couldn't possibly do that over the phone. Maybe i can go see her this week and i can give an update but i might pussy out on telling her.

So i guess like any advice would be great.. i feel like im floating in space rn and i have no rope or anything!!!

I put this under rant tag bc i didnt see an advice thing but yeah.. advice or just like helping me not feel like im losing my mind would be amazing.

also unrelated drop some hollanov fan fics recs pls....