r/SiblingsOfAddicts

My (37) brother (45) asked to visit and I said yes but no I’m feeling anxious and a bit guilty. He’s going through a divorce initiated by my SIL that I feel is very valid. She probably should’ve left him sooner, and says this herself. My brother isn’t taking it well and has locked her out of all their shared assets. He keeps the bills paid since they live in the same house still but that’s it. She’s been a SAHM to their 6 kids for years and only within the last year started working as a para at their youngest’s school. Basically minimal money and she’s not going to have any pay over the summer when their divorce finalizes and she’s trying to figure all that out.

I’m ashamed at how my brother is taking it and how he’s treated his family. From what I was told, he’s continuously cheated throughout the marriage, he’s been accused of sexual harassment that he’s denied but SIL has recently confirmed was real, he’s most likely an alcoholic and has severe depression, and his kids are scared of him because of his anger and outbursts. Again this is hearsay but I believe it, my SIL went to visit her mom a few times over the years and he’s gotten mad at her (something about her wanting to extend her time but I don’t fully know the reason) and has on a couple occasions thrown all her clothes away so she comes home to nothing, locks her out of accounts, and has threatened to shoot their dogs if she didn’t come home. I could keep going but I think that gives a fair picture.

Here’s the other side of the coin, my siblings and I come from a dysfunctional family with a lot of physical and emotional abuse from our parents. Several of us have experienced SA (not by parents but by some family and non family), we all have a mix of issues with severe depression, anxiety, CPTSD and suicidal tendencies. We have long seen my brother as not well. He’s not mentally well and abuses alcohol to help achieve that “happy place.” I 100% believe that he’s chosen to be this person and has continued on to be an abuser. But I also see it as like an addict. Abandonment can lead to even more depression and self hate and spiraling. I don’t want to abandon him but I’m scared of opening up my safe space, my home that I’ve built with my husband to my brother’s swirly, dark energy.

I live out of state from my family so I’ve almost become this Switzerland zone to most of them. Where I live isn’t a destination place but they all enjoy it for the relaxed atmosphere and fun we have. I’m a good cook and pretty chill so we always have fun. I’m worried that it would be a situation of him coming to use what I’ve built to give himself that “happy place” feeling. I also feel intense guilt because my SIL is a sweet, loving person who stood by him and loved him and protected his image all these years. She’s not going around badmouthing him either now that it’s out that she’s divorcing. She was the one who came to our birthday parties as we grew up and bought our gifts and cared for our situations. Over the years we’ve all agreed that she’s more a sister than our brother was a sibling. I want my home to always be a safe space for her and my nieces/ nephews.

He’s sent me some pics of things he’s bought recently like really nice luggage, gaming gear, VR glasses. I immediately got mad because I know the situation my SIL is in. My brother makes PLENTY of money and now that he’s hoarding it, it’s gotta be a nice amount. I felt so angry seeing that.

I woke up feeling sick about it this morning and I think I need to say no to him visiting, even if to save my own energy and mental health.

I was going to ask for advice if I should but, while writing this I think I’ve answered that for myself. Advice on how to rescind my saying yes to visit?

Hi all,

I’m wondering if anyone else can relate to this. My little brother (30m) has been an addict for the last 12 years of his life. He got sober last year and has been going to meetings and sticking to his sobriety which is great. However, i’m realizing that the more that his personality, underneath all the years of drug use, gets uncovered, he still has a very self-centered ‘me me me’ type of mentality. When he was using we remained somewhat close and had several blow out fights related to him using but somehow always reconnected and found a way to be in each others lives. He definitely still had the entire world revolve around him and in our family he was forsure the identified patient. However, now that he’s sober I guess i hoped and imagined that the best qualities of him would start to emerge and we would be closer bc now the drugs weren’t the thing between us so to speak. I realize more and more that he has a lot of trouble being a normal adult meaning his social skills are incredibly poor, he has a lot of self-loathing and shame that comes out as prickliness towards me even tho I have been the most loving and supportive family member. Despite that he still seeks the most validation from the two people in our family that were the cruelest to him during the heights of his addiction.

Curious if anyone can relate or can offer some guidance.

Omg i really really dont know where to start this. Ive been a lurker on here for years. And I just wanna tell yall, at this point where im at. So im a 31, pushing 32 this year, woman. My baby sister who just turned 30, we are a yr and a half apart. Has been on sooooo much since she was 11. First started with pills, then went to meth, and now shes a full blown fent addict. Ugh guys this shit kills me. We are from Oklahoma. Umm, i was always my sisters biggest supporter, first, shes my baby sis, she got married at 17, and it was a shit show. I hate it. My niece was born in 2015. She's turning 11 in August. My sister has only been apart of my babygirls life 4 out of the close to 11 yrs shes been alive. And it's to a point where my niece doesnt want anything to do with her parents. They both have completely checked out of her life. Yall im struggling because its just soooo fucking much. My beautiful babygirl is 10 going on 20. She's sooooo talented in art, and choir. She's been chosen so many times to lead choruses. She has gained soooo much weight. And trust she comes from thick women (outside my sister) her dad's side and ours. But they, since birth put her on a tablet and then when it all went downhill... my sister has nothing to do with her. She's ashamed. And its fucking disgusting to me. Idk im rambling. I wanted to talk about my sister. But my niece. I really dont know how to talk about her or my pain. Or the fact weve lost sooo many family members, from as young as 18, to 37 from fent. 6 cousins at this point. Idk yall. As the oldest sister to the fact that the ONLY thing I love, doesnt have parents. Idk I'm so bitter and angry. My sister was arrested a couple days ago. For the first time. For fent andba fent pipe. And I sooo hope she sits. Im so lost. We have no communication. She doesnt reach out. She's just so fucked. I really cant get this in one message. There's been so much. And I really just need a mutual. So we cant get this shit out. Idk. I feel like im screaming into the void.