r/OPSaidpod

Hey everyone, I really need some outside perspective because I feel confused and emotionally drained right now.

I have been dating this guy Godfrey, for about 4 months. We have had our ups and downs, but we usually worked through our problems. However, I always had a feeling that something wasn’t right.

Recently, I found out that he is still in contact with a girl he was involved with before we started dating. They still talk, video call, and seem emotionally connected. When I confronted him, he admitted it and said they were on bad terms when we started dating, but he also said he loves me and would leave her if our relationship continues.

I also discovered he had been flirting with another girl. He admitted that too, but said they were “just friends.”

I decided to give him another chance, but now he says he needs time to think about our relationship because he feels guilty about what happened.

I told him that if this relationship is going to work, we need honesty, transparency, and to really get to know each other better. But now I’m starting to wonder if he’s struggling to let go of his past, or if I was just someone he turned to while keeping other options open.

I’m hurt, confused, and emotionally numb right now. Part of me believes his actions showed love before all of this, but now I’m questioning everything.

Do you think this is someone who genuinely loves me but made bad choices, or am I ignoring red flags? I’d really appreciate honest advice.

Hey ladies 💫

First of all, I love your podcast — I’m fully invested at this point, like emotionally committed, not just casually listening 😄

I’m writing from Bogotá, Colombia, and I need a little reality check.

So… am I the asshole for feeling upset that my husband has been changing a lot lately?

When we first met, we had such a vibe. We’d go out, have drinks (not messy, just fun), try new restaurants, and enjoy life. Then we even got into running together — very wholesome, very “we have our lives together” energy.

Fast forward to the last six months: he’s been diagnosed with anxiety and some related health issues, so understandably, he’s had to make lifestyle changes. He stopped running, changed his diet, and overall shifted how he lives day to day.

And listen — I do get it. People grow, priorities change, life happens. I’m not expecting him to stay frozen in time like a museum exhibit of “Boyfriend 2018.”

But… it’s starting to feel like he’s becoming a completely different person. Not just evolving — pivoting. Like suddenly these changes aren’t temporary adjustments, but his whole new identity.

On top of that, we were always on the same page about not being religious. We agreed to keep our home pretty secular. I don’t practice anything, and that worked for both of us. Now he’s leaning more into spirituality, and while I respect that, it’s also… new territory for us.

And here’s the part that makes me feel guilty: I’ve caught myself thinking that if he had been this versionof himself when we met, I probably wouldn’t have chosen him.

Oof. I know.

At the same time, I’m not exactly the same person I was 7–8 years ago either. So who am I to complain, right?

But what’s really getting to me is that the things that are fading — the going out, the shared activities, the common ground — were our things. The glue. And now I’m worried that as those disappear, so does part of how we connect.

Right now it’s just a small, occasional feeling. A little voice in the back of my head. But I’m honestly concerned that if I ignore it, it might grow into something bigger — like affecting how much I love him or how connected I feel in the long run.

So… am I the asshole for feeling this way? Or is this just one of those uncomfortable “relationships evolve and you have to figure it out” moments?

Help 😅

Hi ladies

Love your pod so much and look forward to every Monday for that good laugh😅

Apologies if this is too long, I just want you guys to have the full context. This is the first time ever I’m doing something like this.

Please I need help because I feel like I just went through a relationship that existed for 5 business days but still managed to stress me out??? (This happened about a month and a half ago—I’ve been going back and forth about whether to send this in***)***

So I’m a 23 year old female and I started talking to this guy and I’m not even gonna lie, I liked him BAD. Like from early on I was already thinking, “yeah… I’d actually be his girlfriend.” The conversations were good, I felt comfortable, and I opened up quicker than I normally do — which should’ve been my first red flag because I don’t do that. And when I say I opened up, I don’t mean trauma dumping or anything like that — he was just easy to talk to, which in hindsight? I mistook for emotional depth.

Now here’s where things start to wobble.

We had our FIRST falling out about 2 weeks in, right? And this man’s response was to completely shut down. Like silent. Distant. Vibes gone. No communication. Nothing.

And I’m there like ????

So I had to literally DRAG communication out of him. I’m talking:

- asking what’s wrong

- trying to clarify

- reassuring him

- practically begging this man to just TALK to me

Eventually we “resolved” it, but now that I think about it… I was still wary of the guy because why did I have to pull basic communication out of you like that???

Mind you, during this “resolution” I had already clocked that this man is deeply insecure and would need constant reassurance — which I was already getting BORED of — but I was like, “I really like him, we’ll be okay.”

Anyway, at the time I convinced myself:

“okay maybe he just struggles with communication, but at least we worked through it”

So I HESITANTLY continued. Like I liked him, but there was already a small voice in my head like “hmm… I don’t know about this one…”

Fast forward 2 and a half weeks later — disaster.

I post my male friend on my Insta story and WhatsApp status for his birthday. This is a friend I’ve had since PRIMARY SCHOOL and he is VERY gay😭 like please be serious. And this is where things take a turn, he replies to my story saying,” You must really like this guy👀” and I respond with,” He’s my friend, of course I like him😅”- because why would I keep someone in my circle if I didn’t like them???

This man sees that and instead of communicating like a normal person, he:

- goes quiet

- ignores me

- starts moving weird

So when I finally confront him, he hits me with:

“You knew exactly what you were doing”

HUH???

Sir??? Doing WHAT???

Now I’m irritated because not only are you wrong, but you’re also REFUSING to communicate properly AGAIN.

Instead of saying “hey, that made me uncomfortable,” he jumps to conclusions, shuts down, and then somehow makes it my fault???

Anyway, it escalates and he basically ends things saying he “can’t be in a relationship like that”

LIKE WHAT RELATIONSHIP??? 😭😭 A relationship where you communicate or one where you sulk and assume???

He then hits me with the classic “I don’t like to argue” and I’m just there like… sir??? At your BIG age of 26??? You have the emotional maturity of a rock, you lack communication skills, and you wouldn’t know accountability if it walked up to you and introduced itself, and shook your hand✋ PLEASE- of course I don’t say that to him because I don’t want to waste any more energy on him, but I definitely think it.

And the timing??? Don’t even get me started.

All of this happened while I was dealing with back-to-back funerals in my community, I’m talking Saturday and Sunday. I was running on barely any sleep, emotionally exhausted, up and down helping out — if you’re African, you know exactly what I mean — and instead of support, this man is stressing me over a gay friend???

Be serious.

I didn’t even tell him that my friend is gay because honestly??? That’s neither here nor there!!!

So yeah, I blocked him. I’m done.

And another thing that made me block him so fast was, I thought to myself, what kind of assumptions does this man have of me? Like for him to have a reaction that severe he must think that I’m some type of hoe or something because excuse me??

Also, the friend I posted, he’s a good looking guy, but he was just as skinny if not skinnier than this guy. He was still gonna have palpitations because I played rugby in uni so of course I have some friends from the guys team that I go out with every once in a while, and they’re thick and very good looking, so I guess he saved himself more heartache if he was so fragile😂.

BUT NOW… here’s where I’m conflicted.

I realised I trusted him WAY too quickly. Emotionally and physically. I slept with him about a month in, which is very unlike me. In my previous relationship, I waited months.

So now I’m like… girl???

You were begging this man to communicate and still gave him access like that???

I don’t necessarily regret it, but I do feel like I moved faster than what actually aligns with me, especially considering how things turned out.

So now I’m thinking, imma Marie this, swear of men and just focus on myself and getting to know me better.

But now I’m questioning myself like:

Am I genuinely growing and setting better boundaries or am I just overcorrecting because I’m annoyed at how this ended??? 😭

Also, small side note, I downloaded Tinder after all this (don’t judge me 😭), saw the dating pool, got humbled IMMEDIATELY, and deleted it within 48 hours. So clearly, I’m not built for that life either.

Please help me. Am I doing the most or am I finally standing on business???

Love you girls 😭🫶🏽