r/ESTJ

I’m an INFJ and he’s an ESTJ. We’ve been together for over a year, and we genuinely love each other, but emotionally it’s been difficult for both of us. We end up fighting over small things constantly, and I think a lot of it comes from how differently we process emotions and communication.

I often feel like he avoids talking things through or having deeper conversations because he experiences them as pressure or conflict. He often tells me that I'm pushing him and "teaching" him whenever I try to have a discussion about our problems. Meanwhile, emotional depth and connection are really important to me, so I sometimes end up feeling emotionally unfulfilled. At times, I perceive him as lacking empathy or staying on a more surface level emotionally, even though I know he cares about me in his own way.

I don’t want to give up on the relationship because the love is there. I just want to understand how I can communicate with him better, approach conflicts in a healthier way, and create a space where an ESTJ partner feels safe enough to be more emotionally open and vulnerable with me. Please share with me your views as an ESTJ

yesterday we came to the group conclusion that my MBTI was definitely An ESTJ and, I've been mistyped beyond recognition. I wanna hear more about it from you all folks

Well, I have a very close relationship with someone (my mother) who is probably an ESTJ. The thing is, I'm almost certain that Si is my PoLR (I already know why I'm an ENTJ/ENFJ).

The truth is, my hypothesis for why we clash is that we don't just have problems with Ni/Si, but also with Fi. I think this person has a Si-Fi combination that is hard for me to understand because I don't value it; it genuinely feels like a "whim" to me, although I know it’s not that way for her. I’d like some advice on how to detect when Si (the sensory environment) is more important than my Ni (the long-term purpose) for her. Sometimes I find her priorities excessively irritating, and I want to learn to be more mindful of them before they escalate, as this is a long-standing problem. Here is an example of a situation that made me think, "I can't take it anymore."

We work together and usually don't have issues, except when we both try to impose our will. For context, someone who collects plastic bottles often passes by our workplace. Since I care about environmentalism, I started saving my clean bottles to give them directly to this person. To me, it was the perfect plan, so I stored them near the cleaning supplies. She saw them and was immediately annoyed because, to her, they were "trash" and could attract insects. I told her it was fine because they were clean and just plastic, but she took my explanation as if I were calling her an exaggerator. She got upset and insisted she "didn't want to see them" simply because she said so. To me, this felt like a total whim—the bottles weren't in her way. When I asked if she could just wait until the collector came, she told me to just throw them in the trash outside and let the person find them there.

For me this was illogical: why separate them only to mix them back with trash?.Eventually, I moved the bag out of her "workspace," but the argument escalated because of that Si-Fi trigger. She couldn't give me a "logical" reason; she just kept saying, "Because I want it that way!"

At the time, I dismissed it as drama over a whim. I realized later that I was invalidating her because her argument lacked the kind of "purpose" I value. I hadn't considered that maintaining her immediate sensory environment was so vital to her peace of mind, or that "waiting" for my plan to finish would cause her so much stress. I’d appreciate any advice on how to spot these Si-needs sooner.

(One more thing: I don't think she had anything against giving the person the bottles; it was just that our ways of resolving the situation clashed.)

Both can be black and white in their approach to things, but what type would you say is more black and white in their approach and which side can be in the gray area at times about certain things?

I've been into MBTI for a while now, but I still have this existential doubt: I don't know if my dad is an ESTJ, an ESTP, or maybe something else I haven't considered. I know about cognitive functions, but even that hasn't cleared up my doubts. Let's just say he's too relaxed to be an ESTJ, but there are certain things that seem to belong to that type. I just want to know how to identify him without falling into stereotypes.

I don’t have one. Apparently I’m surrounded by those who do.

I don’t have a little voice that talks/narrates in my head for me.

Do you?

INFP here with a suspiciously strong theory that ESTJs are my ideal match.

Same cognitive functions. Opposite order.
Which means you guys are basically us if life forced you to touch grass.

So I’m curious:

What actually attracts ESTJs emotionally?
How do you know you trust someone?
And why do half of you act emotionally unavailable but then become aggressively loyal 😭

I wanna understand the ESTJ mind better, so if any ESTJs wanna talk or let me psychoanalyze you for scientific purposes, hi.

is it common for ESTJs to be unwilling to change their methods when they dont get the results they want? or more common for an ESTJ to double down on their failing strategy?