My mother’s been forcing me to attend personal finance classes, courses, and seminars since I was 12 as even though we were destitute it didn’t have to stay that way.

In college I studied nursing, took everything she forced me to learn over the years and I’m the first generation to have 0 debt, a net worth above $200,000 despite paying for my college, braces, and car all on my own.

Now of all the things I’ve learned over the years here are a few I wish I made sooner.

#1. Has to be tracking my expenses because as soon as I started doing this i realized I not only had an egregious Amazon addiction, but I was spending damn near $8000 a year on fast food. I’m far from perfect by any means but I can say with complete certainty just tracking where my money was going to the dollar made me spend less.

#2. The 12.5% rule, I learned this one from David Bach who’s angle on it was you work 8hrs on average each working day don’t you think you deserve to keep at least one hour for yourself? Once I started autoinvesting 12.5% pre AND post tax I started feeling much better about my financial position.

#3. Focusing on savings rate not amount
The one determining factor of when you retire isn’t how much you’ve saved, but how fast you’re saving it. If you save 50% a year (which is WILD) you save 1yrs income each year and will have 15x your salary in 15 years. If however you save 10% that’s 3x your annual salary in 30 years. Point being the less you spend the less you have to save for more spending down the line.

How about y’all?

Discipline is like a gps.
If you listen to it’s every command, you arrive where you want to go. Could be a few hours, a few days but rest assured you will get there.

Now if you decide to ignore the gps and get off the road or even worse just park all together don’t expect to get any closer to the place you’re trying to go.

When I realized this I took some time to think about the times I had the most discipline, willpower, self control whatever you call it and jot down what I was thinking at the time.

Here it is.

Tomorrow will always feel like today, it doesn’t get easier you just get used to it.

Whenever I felt like kicking the can down the road I’d remind myself, “yesterday you thought you’d be feeling it today. Today you think you’ll be feeling it tomorrow. It’s hard today, it’ll ne hard tomorrow, we need to start even tho it’s hard.”

This is the single best mindset I’ve found, discipline is doing it today.

#2: The work isn’t hard, it’s just too big.

I’ve never seen a man eat 3 whole potatoes, but I’ve seen dozens of people eat an entire bag of chips.

When you turn big things into small pieces, you can eat literal airplanes, seriously google it.

If you don’t have the strength to do the work today, break it down until your metaphorical potato becomes a manageable bag of chips.

#3: Your power is in the pain.
Whenever I don’t feel like doing something I remind myself of the pain that caused me to choose it. For example,

When I started working out it was because of the pain I felt when my ex said she was choosing her classmate in her PhD program over me.

Now everytime I wanted to skip my workouts I’d vividly imagine them fucking and I’d go just to spite her.

Your drive doesn’t have to be healthy it just needs to be strong enough to overpower your eventual excuses, and trust me they will come.

The pain can be something you’re currently in like a breakup or something coming if you fail like for me i got through college by reminding myself there’s no plan B and my mother will let me sleep on the street if I don’t make it.

#4: Make it pleasant.
To me discipline is making the productive thing the easiest thing to do.

If fruit is all you got at home, it’s a lot easier to eat healthy ya know?

To apply this practically I:

Make sure I have a clear goal I.e. lose 7-lbs, save $1,000.

Breaking it down into a specific action I need to repeat daily, I.e. walk 10,000 steps, save $20.

Then I ask myself how can I make it automatic? I.e. parking further away, deleting apps I shop with on my phone.

Finally I add something pleasant into the mix to make my look forward to it, I.e. how excited I am to check off my habit tracker after saving $20 that day, or seeing a visible stack of $20’s grow in a jar.

That’s it.

A lot of these ideas I got from atomic habits, some I got from my girlfriend, others from some randos on the internet but in general when I feel like breaking from the plan.

These help me stay disciplined.

Discipline is like a gps.
If you listen to it’s every command, you arrive where you want to go. Could be a few hours, a few days but rest assured you will get there.

Now if you decide to ignore the gps and get off the road or even worse just park all together don’t expect to get any closer to the place you’re trying to go.

When I realized this I took some time to think about the times I had the most discipline, willpower, self control whatever you call it and jot down what I was thinking at the time.

Here it is.

Tomorrow will always feel like today, it doesn’t get easier you just get used to it.

Whenever I felt like kicking the can down the road I’d remind myself, “yesterday you thought you’d be feeling it today. Today you think you’ll be feeling it tomorrow. It’s hard today, it’ll ne hard tomorrow, we need to start even tho it’s hard.”

This is the single best mindset I’ve found, discipline is doing it today.

#2: The work isn’t hard, it’s just too big.

I’ve never seen a man eat 3 whole potatoes, but I’ve seen dozens of people eat an entire bag of chips.

When you turn big things into small pieces, you can eat literal airplanes, seriously google it.

If you don’t have the strength to do the work today, break it down until your metaphorical potato becomes a manageable bag of chips.

#3: Your power is in the pain.
Whenever I don’t feel like doing something I remind myself of the pain that caused me to choose it. For example,

When I started working out it was because of the pain I felt when my ex said she was choosing her classmate in her PhD program over me.

Now everytime I wanted to skip my workouts I’d vividly imagine them fucking and I’d go just to spite her.

Your drive doesn’t have to be healthy it just needs to be strong enough to overpower your eventual excuses, and trust me they will come.

The pain can be something you’re currently in like a breakup or something coming if you fail like for me i got through college by reminding myself there’s no plan B and my mother will let me sleep on the street if I don’t make it.

#4: Make it pleasant.
To me discipline is making the productive thing the easiest thing to do.

If fruit is all you got at home, it’s a lot easier to eat healthy ya know?

To apply this practically I:

Make sure I have a clear goal I.e. lose 7-lbs, save $1,000.

Breaking it down into a specific action I need to repeat daily, I.e. walk 10,000 steps, save $20.

Then I ask myself how can I make it automatic? I.e. parking further away, deleting apps I shop with on my phone.

Finally I add something pleasant into the mix to make my look forward to it, I.e. how excited I am to check off my habit tracker after saving $20 that day, or seeing a visible stack of $20’s grow in a jar.

That’s it.

A lot of these ideas I got from atomic habits, some I got from my girlfriend, others from some randos on the internet but in general when I feel like breaking from the plan.

These help me stay disciplined.

I want you to think about the person you’re absolutely esctatic to see walk into the room.

What about them makes you want to get out of your seat and go up and sese them?

“Uhh I don’t know I just like them,” is what most people would say but if you look closely just like there’s a reason you like or don’t like your certain foods.

There’s a reason you like or don’t like certain people.

I’ve spent YEARS breaking this down and I can sum it up in one sentence:

The people you like make you feel the way you want to feel.

They expertly meet your unique needs everytime you see them and because of it they slowly condition you to seeing their face and instantly thinking, “I’m about to have a pleasant interaction,” very similarly to how Pavlov’s dogs foamed at the mouth everytime that bell was rang. 

So the question then becomes, how do you regularly meet people’s needs whenever you see them?

Simple.

A. Learn what those needs are. 

B. Learn how to meet them.

Let’s discuss a few of the most important ones.

The Need to be Liked, Loved, and Admired

Why do people love dogs?

A dog will not hesitate to show you how excited they are from the second they meet you, they will smile, run up to you, sometimes even lick you after quickly confirming you’re not a threat. 

People will DIE for their dogs and I’ve seen it from jumping into lakes of boiling acid like that man who’s dog fell into Yellowstone, or people burning alive attempting to save their boys.

Do you know why they do it?

They meet the human need to be liked, loved, and admired. 

How you can start to meet this for others: 

If you want to start meeting other’s desires to be admired it starts by sitting down and getting used to SEEING what’s there to be admired, liked, and praised in others.

How?

It’s going to sound boring but it’s true.

Gratitude journaling. 

When you spend time looking for the good going on around you it naturally spills over into your relationships as well and you start looking for the good in others.

When I started regularly gratitude journaling for 5–10 minutes each morning I started going into work super happy and seeing all the things I loved about my coworkers and one day I just started telling them and guess what happened?

I can literally watch a room turn into smiles when I go into work these days. 

It’s that easy. 

The Need for Attention or Feel Important.

From the moment we are born attention = survival.

If a child can’t get his mother’s attention with a smile, he’ll do it by drawing on the walls. This is why you usually see siblings split up into good kids, and bad kids because if one’s already getting the good attention someone’s gotta become the rebel to draw the bad. 

Why do you think people go to such great lengths to become famous? Sometimes committing the entirety of their lives to becoming rock stars, movie stars, or politicians?

When you give someone your undivided attention physically, and mentally they feel it and as a result they will go out of their way to give the same back to you even if you didn't ask. 

How to make others feel important 

Think of the last time you felt important, what did that person do?

They isolated time, attention, and or gave special treatment. 

This is why people pay $10,000+ for first class flights, Luxury hotels, and Michelin starred restaurants.

It’s because the second you walk in you have their undivided attention, they’ve anticipated your needs, and their sole concern is how to put you as ease. 

So how do you apply this practically in real life? 

I’ve found the easiest way to show people that they matter is to literally just be interested in their lives for 5 minutes literally just 5 minutes. 

For example, 

I’m a nurse right?

Whenever I meet a new patient I JUST have to give them a physical assessment, offer them their medications, and respond to any help they might need like go to the bathroom or something right?

I DON’T have to have converstations with them and often times we’re very busy and talking can be time consuming right?

So what I do to balance out my tight schedule is when I first meet a patient I give them my undivdied attention for 5 minutes.

I’ll ask them what brought them to the area.

I’ll ask them about their family.

I’ll ask them about their career and why they choose it.

I’ll ask them about things they’re looking forward to or favorite memories and after doing this for 5 minutes my patients will literally request that I be their nurse for their entire stay.

This works on coworkers. 

This works on bosses.

This even works on dates.

To feel other’s needs for attention/importance just sit down for 5 minutes and give them your undivided attention and show a genuine interest in their life. 

The Need for Mirroring

>“Why is it that we often tear up when someone is kind to us? 

>Why is it that we get a warm feeling when someone understands us? Why is it that a simple caring “Are you okay?” can so move us? 

>My theory, which my clinical findings support, is that we constantly mirror the world, conforming to its needs, trying to win its love and approval. 

>And each time we mirror the world, it creates a little reciprocal hunger to be mirrored back. 

>If that hunger isn’t filled, we develop what I refer to as “mirror neuron gap.” — Dr.Mark Goulson from his book Just Listen 

Think about the last time you felt misunderstood.

You felt lonely and isolated right?

When you are surrounded by people who can’t or won’t mirror you you feel like a wolf without a pack, it ain't a vibe chief. 

Now I want you to think about a time someone, “got you.”

For me this was when I met my girlfriend and I told her about how I was worried about being Nuked in my sleep, AI taking over, and living my life one month at a time because of how scary the future was and she kept saying, “YOU TOO???”

When you find someone who gets you, you’ll protect them at all costs because they quiet literally become your tribe. 

How to make others feel mirrored 

To make others feel mirrored it’s simple.

Use small talk to discern their values, hobbies, and life experiences…

Then when you find something you both share, point it out. 

Oh you both went to San Francisco State University?

Oh you were both raised by a single mother?

Oh you both studied nuclear engineering?

When you find ways to share experiences it helps others feel less lonely and when you become known as the one who elimates their loneliness people will get excited to see you. 

The Need to be Heard 

How do you feel when it’s clear someone isn’t listening to you?

Like recall the last toxic fight you had someone where you were sharing your side and the other person was just yelling as you were trying to talk or being stubborn and refusing to listen to you.

You felt pissed right?

Did you want to talk to them again?

Now contrast this with the last time you went to therapy.

Your therapist listened to what you said, asked follow up questions then regularly summed up what you said to make sure they understood.

Felt pretty good right?

You felt relaxed and satisified?

When you literally just give people a second to talk they will let out all of their frustrations like they just had a massage or a good nut. 

Shit works. 

How to make others feel heard 

This is one of the easiest skills to learn but one of the most exhausting to practice in reality which is why therapists only have therapy 1-hr at a time. 

To make others feel heard simply;

1. Don’t interrupt them.
2. When they talk ask follow up questions until you get the full picture. 
3. Justify the feelings they had about whatever they spoke about.

 

Every afternoon I let my girl tell me about her day, when she does I’ll ask her follow up questions, then afterwards I’ll identify emotions she has about the day and validate them and afterwards she just smiles.

It’s that simple. 

Time to wrap up

Anyways I’m getting tired of writing this shit so I’m going to stop here if you want more let me know as there’s at least 7 but if you focus on these I’m confident you’ll start becoming, “the guy,” people look forward to talking to at work, at parties, or in their life in general. 

I feel like most people will treat you almost identically as you treat yourself.

If your internal monologue is cruel, belittling, and hypercritical that's all YOU'LL see and in return that's all others will notice.

When I took the time to get a little cognitive therapy, read some books on self esteem, and start practicing regular self-care aka things you'd do for someone you love like feed them healthy foods, sleep at a reasonable timeframe, and exercise regularly...

I liked myself a lot more and people responded in kind.

Before trying to get others to like you, ask yourself, "do you like you?" And if the answer isn't a definite YES, go get a therapist, go work on what you don't like, and once you become the president of your own fan club.

Others will be a lot quicker to join you.

Trying to make friends while hating yourself is like trying to get a job when you think you're a shitty candidate.

Will you be able to get hired sometimes?

Yes.

But most will be able to see through you and treat you with the same regard you treat yourself.

When I realized this so many odd years ago I sat down and asked myself honestly, "Why don't I like myself?" Then I asked what I could do about it and I put socializing on pause until I found myself acceptable.

I didn't like the way I looked so I started weight training and meal prepping, then I got into skin care and started exfoliating and using stuff like Benzol Peroxide for my acne.

I got braces, I got new clothes, I got a little cognitive therapy.

Then once I started waking up and started thinking spontaneously, "Wow I like myself," for once.

Socializing was 1,000% easier because I wasn't desperate or trying to seek others out to fill some internal hole I had AND if people treated me like shit I chopped it up to them being an asshole instead of me being fundamentally flawed.

Long story short?

Before trying to get people to accept you, work on accepting yourself first.

Self esteem is one hell of a drug.

You don’t like everyone, and not everyone is going to like you. And that’s okay.

Here’s the good thing about all of this.

The sooner you learn how to identify that someone doesn’t like you the sooner you can spend your time with those that DO. Choose those who smile when you walk in, not roll their eyes.

Here’s a few things I look for to identify this:

They don’t make time for you.

When my best friend is in town I will drop whatever I’m doing or sometimes call out of work to see his ass.

Why?

Because we all have the same 24 hours in a day but people deliberately choose to give time to the people and things they value.

If they’re always busy, their imaginary friend just died, or they have jury duty for the 3rd time this year.

Take the hint.

They don’t respond to your texts
This is pretty straightforward, people who care about at the absolute minimum will respond to your texts within 48-72 hours.

If someone takes WEEKS to get back to me I tell em to fuck off because they clearly don’t have the bandwidth for more friends right now.

They actively or passively disparage you
“You’re applying to med school? YOU? Good luck.”
Or you hear through the grapevine, “so and so was talking shit about you.” That’s a good sign they don’t like you.

They constantly show you negative body language
My friend, how do you treat a dog when you see it? You smile, you move towards it, you try to pet it right?

When you like someone, you smile, you get close, you touch them on the shoulder, pat on the back all that good stuff.

Now when someone DOESNT like you the opposite is true. They avoid looking at you, distance themselves, and actively block spaces between y’all.

When I learned how to identify these signs it became crystal clear who was in my corner & who was not and since then I’ve prioritized one group while I actively reduced the time spent with the others.

Look you’re like sushi.

Some people hate sushi.

Some people pay a fortune for it.

Who would you rather cater to?

An acquaintance is just a friend who hasn’t been leveled up enough yet.

To me a friend is just an acquaintance who’s built up enough experience with you to actually understand what makes you tick AND you to them.

If you find you have tons of acquaintances but few friends it’s for one of two reasons:

Either because A. They don’t want to be leveled up and they avoid you with the solution being ignore them and find those with better taste.

Or B. If you want their friendship, you simply haven’t invested enough time & vulnerability with them.

I’ve found out how long it takes to form a friendship on accident one year when I oriented a nursing student on my unit in the hospital in their final semester for 184 hours.

She invited me to her wedding after and we’ve hung out regularly for years now.

During the time I spent supervising them I shared a lot about my life, my family, my girl, and struggles and I asked about theirs as well.

Then an acquaintance graduated into a friend.

Acquaintances evolve at ~200 hours, if you want more friends invest more time with those people.

Real life isn’t like Facebook, if you try to be friends with everyone you meet there’s no time left for the people you actually care about.

Once I hit the point where I regularly started getting opportunities to come hang out with people, join a group or club I came up with a simple way to resolve it.

I just say,

“Aww man I’d love to but I’m prioritizing xyz right now.”

One time this was getting a promotion, another time this was my studies, now if anyone asks it’s my health.

If they still insist I tell em, “look I don’t want to be rude but I simply don’t have to time to socialize as much AND achieve my goals. I’ll let you know if a spot opens up.”

Alternatively the ol, “Heyyyy I’ll get back to you,” and nothing happens thing works well too.

People who value you will make time, and your absence/silence should be a clear enough answer to them.

The first time I was called outgoing was when I was 25. I was grabbing lunch in the cafeteria during orientation for my current job when I noticed a group of three women looking for an open table so I invited them to come sit with me.

“Wow, you’re so outgoing,” one of them said as they sat down.

In my head I’d always thought myself an introvert, and I still do, but that was the first time I felt I passed as an extrovert on the outside.

Over lunch I asked them what units they worked in, how long they’ve been there, what brought them into healthcare and so on and by the end they insisted that I come out and get boba with them after work the next day. (We’re in the Bay Area)

I had to pass because I don’t think my girlfriend would appreciate it but I was flattered none the less.

Point being?

I say this not to brag but to emphasize that it was something I had to cultivate. For 24 years I WASN’T considered outgoing, gregarious, or charming but eventually all the books, awkward conversations, and reflection paid off.

Of all the strategies I’ve tested over the years, these have been my game changers:

Enjoy.

To get good at anything you need to practice, the more you practice socializing the better you get at it, the easier it becomes and the more you want to socialize.

If you’re afraid of embarrassing yourself practice in a nearby city on the weekends by talking to strangers in tourist traps, sight seeing events, or public transportation.

If you’re too afraid to start begin with eye contact and smiling at others 10-15 minutes a day then progress to hellos and eventually conversations.

To start conversations either give a genuine compliment, “I wish I was as tall as you,” or ask a question you’re genuinely interested in, “I’m curious what’s the story behind that coat?”

If you want people to like you, look for things you like in them when you develop an eye for appreciation, admiration, and praise you’ll attract people who feel the same way.

Charisma = presence x power x warmth

For presence practice mindfulness as in observe your partner’s body language not your thoughts as you can do one or the other.

For power just dress like you respect yourself and try to look confident by standing upright and remaining relaxed.

To exude personal warmth, recall the last time you felt profoundly grateful or relaxed: a happy memory, time with your best friend, petting a puppy.

Thanks to the mirror neurons whatever you present to others has a tendency to be reciprocated. If you give people a genuine smile, seem eager to meet them, and deeply interested they’ll often return the favor.

Use small talk to elicit what matters to a person and when you find it… let them gush about it and just practice listening to understand their love for it.

The better you get at listening the more people like you, to be a good listener don’t interrupt people as they speak, ask follow up questions, and validate their feelings.

Socializing is a not a job, you’re allowed to leave conversations you’re not enjoying with no penalty.

Don’t be afraid of making a fool out of yourself, it’s how you learn to become competent. My awkward conversations in the past are why I’m so comfortable now.

You don’t like everyone and not everyone likes you, and that’s okay. I used to socialize with everyone until i realized how fatiguing it was and now I do a quick vibe check upon meeting then talk to those I genuinely enjoy.

I have more if anyone is interested.

The first time I was called outgoing was when I was 25.

I say this not to brag but to emphasize that it was something I had to cultivate. For 24 years I WASN’T considered outgoing, gregarious, or charming but eventually all the books, awkward conversations, and reflection paid off.

Of all the strategies I’ve tested over the years, these have been my game changers:

Enjoy.

To get good at anything you need to practice, the more you practice socializing the better you get at it, the easier it becomes and the more you want to socialize.

If you’re afraid of embarrassing yourself practice in a nearby city on the weekends by talking to strangers in tourist traps, sight seeing events, or public transportation.

If you’re too afraid to start begin with eye contact and smiling at others 10-15 minutes a day then progress to hellos and eventually conversations.

To start conversations either give a genuine compliment, “I wish I was as tall as you,” or ask a question you’re genuinely interested in, “I’m curious what’s the story behind that coat?”

If you want people to like you, look for things you like in them when you develop an eye for appreciation, admiration, and praise you’ll attract people who feel the same way.

Charisma = presence x power x warmth

For presence practice mindfulness as in observe your partner’s body language not your thoughts as you can do one or the other.

For power just dress like you respect yourself and try to look confident by standing upright and remaining relaxed.

To exude personal warmth, recall the last time you felt profoundly grateful or relaxed: a happy memory, time with your best friend, petting a puppy.

Thanks to the mirror neurons whatever you present to others has a tendency to be reciprocated. If you give people a genuine smile, seem eager to meet them, and deeply interested they’ll often return the favor.

Use small talk to elicit what matters to a person and when you find it… let them gush about it and just practice listening to understand their love for it.

The better you get at listening the more people like you, to be a good listener don’t interrupt people as they speak, ask follow up questions, and validate their feelings.

Socializing is a not a job, you’re allowed to leave conversations you’re not enjoying with no penalty.

Don’t be afraid of making a fool out of yourself, it’s how you learn to become competent. My awkward conversations in the past are why I’m so comfortable now.

You don’t like everyone and not everyone likes you, and that’s okay. I used to socialize with everyone until i realized how fatiguing it was and now I do a quick vibe check upon meeting then talk to those I genuinely enjoy.

I have more if anyone is interested.

If you’ve ever seen that meme “be careful who you mistreat in high school,” you know damn well your attractiveness is something you can control.

When you obsess over things like your height, age, or race you’re going to be fucked because there’s nothing you can do about those so ignore them.

However when you focus on things like your:

• Fitness level.
• Haircut & grooming.
• Ironed clothes that fit…

You’ll notice people are starting to treat you a lot better. Here are some practical tips that helped me achieve this in my late 20’s.

Focus on calories in, calories out.

My entire life I used to think I was just ugly.

Turns out I was just fat.

Carrying too much weight is like covering a Mercedes in so much dirt people think it’s a Honda. If you think you’re ugly you might not be ugly, you might just be overweight.

When I decided to start monitoring how many calories I ate and operating at 300-500 calories below the requirement to maintain my weight my body fat slowly melted off over months then my jawline started to show, my muscles got more defined, and I started getting a 4-pack.

To do this go online and look up a BMR calculator which calculates how many calories you need a day, once you know, eat slightly less to lose weight. Then give it about 6-12 weeks before you see any noticeable difference in your appearance assuming you lose 1-lb a week.

Go to the gym 4x a week.

When people think "attractive," what they're trying to say is "healthy."

The healthier you look the more attractive you become and one of the solitary best ways to improve your health is to increase your overall skeletal muscle tone. For me this meant focusing on cultivating big arms, wide shoulders, and a strong core.

These were the muscles I focused on, but for you commit to whatever you want to build as any muscle is better than no muscle, just commit to consistency at first then focus on intensity later.

For me I did shoulders, arms, and chest on day 1. Then I did back, core, and legs day 2. Took 1-2 gap days in between then repeated. Then once I got used to doing them every few weeks I increased the intensity by adding more sets until I reached 4 sets a day and slowly but surely I built a toned body.

Losing weight helped my features show.

Gaining muscle helped them become defined.

Grow a goatee or if you're lucky, a beard.

At age 28 I went to volunteer for a children’s youth group at my church right?

When I showed up they said, “great, what grade are you in?”

That’s when I decided to grow out my facial hair.

Unfortunately none of the men in my family are particularly hairy so I decided to slum it by skipping shaving for a month then cleaning it up with a beard groomer to make it even.

I grew a mustache, and goatee and boys it was like I became visible to the women my age once they suddenly realized I wasn’t 15.

If you have a beard, grow it.

If you can’t grow the best you can then get a facial trimmer to make it look even every 2-3 weeks.

Dress like a GQ Model

As wrong as it is, everyone judges a book by its cover, and you can either complain about this or leverage it for your personal benefit.

If you look like you rolled out of bed, your clothes aren’t ironed or are visibly stained or you’re wearing the same shirts you got when you were 18…

No one is going to take you seriously.

When I was ready to do this i had no idea how to dress so I simply went to the mall on a saturday afternoon sat down at a table looking down at the lower levels and took notes on what men dating attractive women were wearing.

• Fitted pants & shirts.
• Casual shoes NOT sneakers.
• The occasional blazer.
• Watches & Necklaces.

So I bought some of each of the notes I made and tried them out and kept what worked best for me.

A few simple t-shirts from Banana Republic, a Blazer/Tailored pants combo from suit supply, a gold watch from Michael Kors, some mock turtlenecks from Coofandy, and casual canvas shoes from Cole Haan.

If people don't take you seriously, go out and try getting some new clothes you may be shocked at the reception you receive.

You ever notice after you start making some progress towards a goal your brain be like, “hey man you’re doing so good, you deserve a reward.”

Then you do the exact opposite of what you’ve been working towards?

When you’re on a diet, the reward becomes the DoorDash, when you’re saving money the reward becomes a trip.

Now when you this starts to become a habit you end up in a rut and you stay there until you figure out how to stop going around in circles.

It’d be like a man rewarding himself for being loyal to his girl by cheating, shit doesn’t make sense.

So how did I learn how to stop this?

Simple.

Instead of seeing my new behavior as something to be rewarded I started seeing myself as the type of person who just does those things.

I’m not on a diet, I’m a healthy eater.

I’m not on a budget, I’m frugal.

When I started to identify as the person who naturally does the behavior I stopped reverting back to square one and I actually started going where I wanted to be.

When you reset your identity it’s like changing the flow of a river, as your actions will always flow passively to what you think you are.

If you think you’re a fat fuck, you’ll act like it.

If you think you’re a healthy eater, you’ll act like it.

When you change your identity, your body will conspire with you to see your goals through to completion.

I decided to start talking to strangers for one reason.

I knew unless I wanted to marry someone in my family, my future wife was currently a stranger. And unfortunately I wasn't raised in Alabama meaning that if I wanted to get married, talking to strangers was NOT optional, it was required.

The thought of having to talk to strangers made me want to shit my pants so my next question became, "how can I get the balls to do this?"

My solution?

Exposure therapy.

When I got started instead of trying to talk to strangers from the get go I slowly started easing myself into having interacting with strangers more and more.

For the first two weeks or so of my plan, I'd simply go outside for 5-10 minutes and practice holding eye contact with strangers as I passed by.

Once I got used to eye contact I advanced to eye contact AND giving strangers a genuine smile until that felt comfortable for about another 10-20 days.

After that felt like second nature I started waving and saying Hello.

Then finally I ended by asking people questions whenever they’d pop into mind and since then socializing has felt easy.

If you struggle with socializing and want to get used to talking to strangers literally just try this social habit stack: eye contact > smiles > waves & hellos > short conversations > full conversations

For 14 days, try holding eye contact with strangers for 5-10 minutes a day.

For 14 days after, try smiling at strangers like they’re you’re best friend.

For 14 days after that, try waving hello as you do the two prior steps.

For the rest of your life after that make eye contact, smile, and tell people what you admire about them or ask them about something you’re curious about and see what happens.

I’m a shy, autistic, introvert and this plan was easy enough that even I could do it.

Try it out.

I decided to start talking to strangers for one reason.

I knew unless I wanted to marry someone in my family, my future wife was currently a stranger. And unfortunately I wasn't raised in Alabama meaning that if I wanted to get married, talking to strangers was NOT optional, it was required.

The thought of having to talk to strangers made me want to shit my pants so my next question became, "how can I get the balls to do this?"

My solution?

Exposure therapy.

When I got started instead of trying to talk to strangers from the get go I slowly started easing myself into having interacting with strangers more and more.

For the first two weeks or so of my plan, I'd simply go outside for 5-10 minutes and practice holding eye contact with strangers as I passed by.

Once I got used to eye contact I advanced to eye contact AND giving strangers a genuine smile until that felt comfortable for about another 10-20 days.

After that felt like second nature I started waving and saying Hello.

Then finally I ended by asking people questions whenever they’d pop into mind and since then socializing has felt easy.

So again it goes eye contact > smiles > wave & hello > short conversations.

Last year I had insomnia so bad i literally cried. I had just switched to a swing shift position (1500-2300) and my body had no idea what the fuck to do.

I’d wake up at 0500 and be unable to go back to sleep and the extra coffee I drank kept me up at night so the only time I actually got any sleep were my days off. Ironically the anxiety I was starting to get around the sleep made it even worse.

It wasn’t until my boss literally took me to HR because of how many mistakes my insomnia caused me to make that I broke down and started trying everything to fix it.

Instead of chugging coffee now, I drank less to sleep earlier, this was the first improvement. This allowed me to consistently pass out the second I got home the sane time every day even days off.

Next i incidentally decided that I was gaining too much weight so I would schedule my dinners at 6:30 and stop eating by 7 giving myself 5ish hours to digest and sleep on an empty stomach.

These two interventions improved my sleep so much my Oura ring started giving me “crown” trophy’s saying that I was hitting personal recovery and sleep quality records.

If your sleep is piss literally just try these two things they’re free and their only side effects are weight loss and quality sleep.

Sleep the same 7:30 window EVERY NIGHT. I focused on sleeping at the same 1-hr window each night (2330-0030)

Stop all food after 1900.

100% of winning boils down to one thing.

Actions.

When you take the actions your goals demand you win regardless of all other circumstances.

The reason you don’t win though is because:

A. You don’t know the actions your goals demand.

B. You don’t know how to stick to them through the pain or challenge.

To solve the first problem simply ask what’s needed to be a loser in your goal and do the opposite. I.e. to fail at losing weight you should stay as sedentary as possible, and eat as many calories as you can consume in a day.

So once you know which actions lead to losing, the opposite becomes the road to winning:

Be as active as possible.

Eat as few calories a day as you can tolerate long term like a 300-700 cal deficit.

Now as we all know coming up with plans is easy, the part that people struggle with is sticking to them which is where part 2 comes in.

How to actually adhere to your plan.

To adhere to a plan you need to focus on one thing, you need to ask yourself, “could I do this for 90 days easily?” And if the answer isn’t an immediate yes, make it easier.

Example,

You want to increase your activity, you aim for 20,000 steps/day, but could you do that for 90 days easily? No. So lower it. Could you do 10,000 a day easily? No. So lower it. Could you do 7,500 steps a day easily? Yes.

When you find your sweet spot between progress and ease that’s where your solution lies.

When you try to win too aggressively you lose momentum because you get inconsistent. One 20,000 day w 6 3,000 step days after is worth less than 7 consecutive 7,500 step days.

Point being?

Identify the actions your goals demand.

To actually achieve the goal find your Goldilocks zone between excessively challenge that makes you quit, under challenge that takes too long.

Try this now:

Get a notebook of graphing paper from the store.

Ask yourself what’s your #1 goal for 2026.

Now ask yourself what 3 things would help you FAIL this goal as efficiently as possible?

Make the opposite 3 actions your goals.

Before you lock in the goals though, ask yourself could you do these easily for the next 90 days?

If no, make it easier.

If the yes was too quick, make it more challenging.

When you go goal > how to fail > opposite to win > easy enough to do long term.

You will win.

Imma get a lot of hate for this but it’s true.

To me therapy is like a doctor giving morphine to a man who’s been shot, it will make you feel better but unless that therapist gives you concrete ways to fix the root of your problems…

You’re fucked.

After about 18 months and spending something like $12,000 on multiple therapist I decided on a whim to try two things.

A. Google some top books on my problem instead.

B. Spend the money I was going to use for therapy on a vacation instead and listen to said books as I walked through nature in a new setting.

Holyyyyyy shit I not only overcame my seemingly impossible problems after like 6 weeks for 1/100th the cost but I built some of my happiest memories ever in the process.

So if therapy isn’t working well for you, you’ve tried different therapist and thrown tens of thousands and them for months with no results.

Try buying a book on your problem and listening to it somewhere you’ve always wanted to go.

My first attempt as this was Honolulu, Hawaii and the book was No more Mr nice guy by Robert glover.

Changed my life.

We all have the same 24 hours in a day.

What determines the difference between those who get and those who don’t is how they decide to spend those hours.

When you choose your routine, or in other words how you want to spend your time on a daily basis, you’re actually choosing your results.

If you don’t like the results your current routine has gotten you…

Change it.

When I was ready to trade in my routine for a new one I did two things.

A. I asked what would someone who achieved my goal already have their days look like?

B. I asked myself what tiny step could I take towards this today.

For example.

After college my mother affectionately pointed out that it looked like I was 5 months pregnant and asked what I was going to name it.

I got the message.

My actions got me here, I knew they could get me out so I asked myself.

What did I do to get here?

Eat what I pleased as I pleased.

Sat down for long periods studying.

Skipped the gym.

So I made my routine the exact opposite but I didn’t jump into it 100% I tip toed my way in.

When I started cleaning up my diet I focused on having a healthy breakfast every day until it was a habit, then healthy lunches every day, then healthy dinners, and finally healthy snacks.

The entire transition took about 6 months but after the 6 months the next 6 months melted the weight off like butter 🧈 on a sunny day.

Point being?

I figured out the routine that was cockblocking my growth, I listed the opposite as my new goal, then I gradually introduced that new routine over several months to make it manageable.

That’s it.

For the last few weeks I’ve been trying to cut down my phone usage and get more productive right?

I had 14 perfect days of no scrolling till noon and thought I’d adjusted enough for the next level of no phone till 1400.

I wasn’t.

After I leveled up I quickly lost all my momentum and had to set my ego aside and go back down to no scrolling till noon for 30 more days.

What’s my point here?

When you try to cheat the process and accelerate too quickly you’re like a plane trying to take off by going straight up.

You lose momentum.

Then you crash if you don’t lower how aggressively you’re trying to gain altitude.

When you’re getting started focus on small wins you’re confident you can do day after day and when you think it’s been enough time, DOUBLE IT to make sure.

I thought I needed 14 days, now I’m going 30.
As long as you have momentum you can make progress the problem with shooting too high too quickly is it has the potential to stop all action entirely.

Set ya ego aside and win.

Start small.

Accelerate slowly.