how do i differentiate the two?? i’ve read all the descriptions for both but i relate to them both a lottt so find it hard to tell which i am. for example i merge with both one person and i also merge with groups!!!
not a type me post!!! i’ve been struggling with being able to tell whether i am a 4 or 9. ever since i’ve been into enneagram, no matter how much i’ve mistyped i’ve always gone back to 4, but i struggle with telling my type so much everyone tells me to consider 9. i fit literally every enneagram. mind you i’m only a teenage girl so i could easily mistype, but i’ve matured faster than most and had a stable personality my whole life, so thats why i attempt to type myself now, just for fun.
so, i feel emotions in a really intense way - especially emptiness and anger. when i get angry, i get really angry. when i feel empty or bored i resort to either over-indulgence or kind of like a sad-anger. basically anger but it feels more superficial because its sadness channeled into anger, i’m like this a lot. i also overanalyse and overthink my inner world, like my identity and personality a lot. i always rethink over things that ‘identify me’, like a favourite character and tv show, and i want these things known. this is almost like a hobby, its what i do in my free time. i’m kind of a maladaptive day dreamer. also sometimes get the feeling that I just don’t know who i am. i don’t know how to describe myself when someone asks (even though i am rn LOL). i think i cling to other people personalities and identities. like i tend to watch a show and really like a character’s personality and see myself in them really deeply, and i think i’m just like them. and i will tell this to people, in a jokey way, and be like ‘oh my gosh i’m exactly like this character!’ almost to the point where i could get upset or feel empty when i dont share the same typology as them, because then i have nothing to truly cling onto. these thoughts power my daydreaming.
when i think about my life, there are a few things i truly want. one of them is just living a good and nice life which i like. ending up with the person i’m in love with, even though its outlandish since they hate me. or i just want romance and want someone who i love to love me, and merge with them and become like a whole. i want to be understood, i crave for a romantic partner to understand me. love me for who i am, and i dont have to mask around them like i do with everyone else. thats my dream.
another thing is that i just want peace. not even objectively peace, but moreso what is peaceful for me and what i will be comfortable with. i idealise a life where my family will accept me for who i am and my religion and my personality, with no judgement or conflict. i don’t like conflict. i dont like when someone is angry at me or hates me, it makes me feel upset. usually it actually scares me. for example, i converted to a religion most of my family doesn’t accept, and fear telling them about it this for the fact they wont accept me and constantly cause conflict with me. i want us to all live happily despite our differences and individuality. but i envy too, A LOT.
i enjoy staying at home, doing my hobbies. this is mainly either doing art; painting, editing, writing; anything i can channel my emotions in, in a lovely way and creative way. also like i said earlier daydreaming and fantasizing are also a huge part of my life. i feel incomplete without it. i feel like my reality is so bad and messed up that i have to escape it, and i daydream extreme scenarios that will never happen. its like an addiction. i feel like i’ll never be truly happy with reality. i know i will never get what i want. so i escape into my imagination. i fantasise about a better life and specifically about one true love. this boy who i love so much. we will never, realistically, be together though. i want a rescuer who will save me, someone who i can actually be emotionally vulnerable with. someone who actually loves me like ive never been loved before and i can cry and vent to without judgement. just a peaceful life. i have a fear of abandonment and am quite dependent. i wish i was less angry than i really am.
i feel different from everyone else, i’ve always been treated like an outcast. i have, and still constantly get bullied at school for being different. this is mainly because im too quiet and a bit ditsy, stuck in my head and withdrawn. i’m also neurodivergent and have audhd & anxiety disorder, mainly social anxiety. i’m not sure whether my tendency to avoid conflict comes from my anxiety, or from my actual personality. like my neurosis or my anxiety disorder? i often argue and have conflict with my mother as she is the only one close to me, so the only one i can take it out on. i can be verbally aggressive and physically aggressive. however when at school or work, like is said i’m bullied for being too quiet and withdrawn. theres been maybe 1 or 2 times at work where i’ve openly expressed anger, and these were small outbursts at specific people for being unjust. around other family i’m the same as at school and work. i’m just different around my mother. i can be mean to my closer friends though, by accident when i get really pissed off..
and laziness, that’s another thing. i’m very lazy, often procrastinating and doing minimal effort my mother often criticises me for this. i slack in school because of this. idk if its just procrastination or ACTUAL laziness. i put off everything. for example i love my hobbies, but i hate it at the same time. i often procrastinate doing things i like and make myself more bored with fantasy.
yeahIDK. i still feel like i resonate more with type 4 but mainly because i feel too aggressive to be a 9. and i think i just want to cling to the identity of 4. i even considered 6 but i don’t know. i just appreciate advice pls, or if this doesn’t even sound like either suggest another type! i posted this in r/enneagram too but its awaiting approval