u/unsuregirly00

I (29F) live with my best friend/housemate (49M) and I’m starting to realise this situation may be emotionally unhealthy for me, but I need outside perspective.

We met over 5 years ago. Back then he wanted a romantic relationship with me, but I turned him down because I was in my early 20s and felt the age gap was too much. Over the years we became extremely close friends instead.

A few years later I needed somewhere to live, so I moved in with him. I don’t pay rent, but in exchange I contribute a lot to the household. I clean, do washing, buy groceries, cook often, walk and care for his 3 dogs, and one of them was elderly and required constant care because he would toilet inside. I genuinely tried to build a life and home with him.

Over time, my feelings changed. As I got older and more open minded, I started wanting something romantic with him. But whenever I’ve tried, he completely shuts me down. He’ll dismiss me, insult me, or make comments that make me feel unattractive or embarrassing for even trying. If I dress up or flirt, he’ll say things like he’s “too old for that now” and shut me down.

Eventually I tried to accept just being close friends because we were so bonded otherwise. He would talk about our future together, say things about me taking care of him when he’s old, and he even put me in his will. He’s also been building a new house that was designed around both of us living there together. So emotionally, it felt very intertwined and committed even if not romantic.

The past few months have been extremely difficult. My brother died by suicide and I was devastated. During that time, I honestly didn’t feel emotionally supported by him. Whenever I tried to talk about my grief, he would often redirect the conversation back to his own father being old and sick.

Then his father became critically ill and eventually died. Around the same period, his elderly dog also had to be put down. I was there supporting him through all of it and taking care of the house and animals.

I recently got back from a trip visiting my brother’s grave and seeing my family. Shortly after, I discovered he was on a dating site. I made a profile and messaged him anonymously and he replied. His profile said he wanted to date but “nothing serious.” It also said he was undecided on having kids, even though he previously told me he didn’t want that life.

Then I found comments he’d left on Instagram posts of a woman I know of. The comments were very lustful and sexual, saying things like of course he’d “come over and come inside her,” calling her perfect, glowing, beautiful, etc. One comment that hurt especially badly was on a sexy video she posted the same week my brother died. While I was falling apart grieving, he commented “I really needed this, made me smile” to a video of her posing in a bikini and smiling. She has had a lot of work done to her body and face, and this crushed my confidence completely. I don’t want to brag but I am actually good looking although I haven’t had surgical work done. I’m also much younger than him and he isn’t even a George Clooney good looking older man himself. I just feel not good enough, he commented on these women’s photos saying they are perfect and I’m glowing meanwhile he puts me down for minor flaws I have or my weight changes.
Overall I’m still good looking though. I actually am in an occupation where I get paid for my looks. How can he insult me down and reject me like this and lust over other unavailable women!

I feel absolutely crushed by this. Not because he owes me a relationship, but because I feel emotionally used and deeply rejected at the same time. I feel like I’ve spent years building a life with someone who wants my care, loyalty, domestic support, and emotional presence, but not actually me romantically or physically.

Now I’m questioning my confidence, attractiveness, self worth, and whether I’ve basically become a stand-in wife emotionally/domestically while he seeks excitement and desire elsewhere.

Am I overreacting here? Is this friendship/living situation emotionally unhealthy? And how do I even move forward from something this confusing? Am I making the right choice by looking for new places to live just myself and my one dog and leaving this living situation?

I (29F) live with my best friend/housemate (49M) and I’m starting to realise this situation may be emotionally unhealthy for me, but I need outside perspective.

We met over 5 years ago. Back then he wanted a romantic relationship with me, but I turned him down because I was in my early 20s and felt the age gap was too much. Over the years we became extremely close friends instead.

A few years later I needed somewhere to live, so I moved in with him. I don’t pay rent, but in exchange I contribute a lot to the household. I clean, do washing, buy groceries, cook often, walk and care for his 3 dogs, and one of them was elderly and required constant care because he would toilet inside. I genuinely tried to build a life and home with him.

Over time, my feelings changed. As I got older and more open minded, I started wanting something romantic with him. But whenever I’ve tried, he completely shuts me down. He’ll dismiss me, insult me, or make comments that make me feel unattractive or embarrassing for even trying. If I dress up or flirt, he’ll say things like he’s “too old for that now” and shut me down.

Eventually I tried to accept just being close friends because we were so bonded otherwise. He would talk about our future together, say things about me taking care of him when he’s old, and he even put me in his will. He’s also been building a new house that was designed around both of us living there together. So emotionally, it felt very intertwined and committed even if not romantic.

The past few months have been extremely difficult. My brother died by suicide and I was devastated. During that time, I honestly didn’t feel emotionally supported by him. Whenever I tried to talk about my grief, he would often redirect the conversation back to his own father being old and sick.

Then his father became critically ill and eventually died. Around the same period, his elderly dog also had to be put down. I was there supporting him through all of it and taking care of the house and animals.

I recently got back from a trip visiting my brother’s grave and seeing my family. Shortly after, I discovered he was on a dating site. I made a profile and messaged him anonymously and he replied. His profile said he wanted to date but “nothing serious.” It also said he was undecided on having kids, even though he previously told me he didn’t want that life.

Then I found comments he’d left on Instagram posts of a woman I know of. The comments were very lustful and sexual, saying things like of course he’d “come over and come inside her,” calling her perfect, glowing, beautiful, etc. One comment that hurt especially badly was on a sexy video she posted the same week my brother died. While I was falling apart grieving, he commented “I really needed this, made me smile” to a video of her posing in a bikini and smiling. She has had a lot of work done to her body and face, and this crushed my confidence completely. I don’t want to brag but I am actually good looking although I haven’t had surgical work done. I’m also much younger than him and he isn’t even a George Clooney good looking older man himself. I just feel not good enough.

I feel absolutely crushed by this. Not because he owes me a relationship, but because I feel emotionally used and deeply rejected at the same time. I feel like I’ve spent years building a life with someone who wants my care, loyalty, domestic support, and emotional presence, but not actually me romantically or physically.

Now I’m questioning my confidence, attractiveness, self worth, and whether I’ve basically become a stand-in wife emotionally/domestically while he seeks excitement and desire elsewhere.

Am I overreacting here? Is this friendship/living situation emotionally unhealthy? And how do I even move forward from something this confusing? Am I making the right choice by looking for new places to live just myself and my one dog and leaving this living situation?