My sister wants to invite our brother who sexually abused me to her wedding
TLDR: my sister wants to invite our brother that sexually abused me to her wedding, despite knowing about the abuse and that I have been no contact with him for a year and a half. Am I wrong for giving her an ultimatum?
My sister and I have recently come into a disagreement regarding her wedding. She wants to invite my brother who sexually assaulted me several times throughout childhood even though she knows I have been no contact with him for a year and a half now.
To give some backstory, I came out about the abuse after 15+ years of keeping it to myself in November 2024. After initially confessing it to my husband, sister, and parents, my brother essentially denied it ever happening and says “he doesn’t remember” that happening. I find this hard to believe due to the nature, circumstance, and repetition of the abuse. He has even made strange analogies comparing himself to Job from the Bible. Saying that he feels like everything is being taken away from him and that the devil is trying to ruin his life. This is obviously invalidating to me because he is comparing himself to an innocent figure in the Bible that lost everything he loved and owned.
Since then, my family of origin has been in disarray. I have been no contact with my brother and have essentially chosen to remove myself and my family from any situation in which we may have to interact(family holidays, birthdays, etc.) My parents and sister still have a relationship with him, he even still lives on my parent’s property. This has obviously made visiting my parents and extended family extremely difficult and has ostracized me from the family.
Throughout the time of navigating this, my family has been anything but understanding. For one, my mom has never once brought it up to me to ask how I’m doing and even when I initially told my parents about it, she refused to talk to me and made my dad do all the communication regarding all of this. She has then proceeded to continue life as normal as if I didn’t just drop this bomb of information on her and she doesn’t understand my distance. She continually talks about him and brings him up in conversation with me. She has even suggested that we all (myself, kids, husband, sister, brother, and parents) all take a family skiing trip and stay in a cabin together. I have confronted her several times about this and nothing has changed. I finally had to have a come to Jesus moment with her, where she then tried to act like she “didn’t know I wanted her to ask how I was doing” and then ghosted me for almost a month. We then broke this spell of not communicating on Easter of this year where we had a phone call that didn’t address anything and just skipped back to “normal” conversation. Furthermore, throughout the time of not talking, she kept randomly love bombing me by sending things for my kids, like clothes and Easter items. I decided to just let it go and not bring it up again for the time being.
Everything was again seeming somewhat cordial until we found out that my sister is now planning to get married this summer. Her and her fiancé are planning a fast engagement and wedding. Initially, I was super excited for her and we immediately jumped into wedding planning, however, I soon became riddled with anxiety on if she was planning to invite our brother. She knows that we are no contact, but again she still has a relationship with him. I brought it up to her several times where she basically just blew me off until it all came to a head one night over text messages. Essentially in the messages we discussed that I would not feel comfortable having him there and having myself or my kids around him. To say her reaction was awful is an understatement.
Of course I am trying to have some understanding for her because I know it’s her wedding day and it should be all about her, but that still doesn’t negate my experience. In the messages she victim blamed me, told me that I’m making her feel horrible for even getting married, threatened to not even have a wedding anymore and that it would be my fault, and said “you can’t really expect me to not invite MY BROTHER to my wedding. He’s still my family and I want him there” and “I know you’re hurt, but you also knew I would get married one day.” She said I am not being supportive or understanding of her at all and excused his actions because this happened when we were kids and the rest of his life shouldn’t be ruined because of something that happened when we were children.
I then proceeded to set a firm boundary that it’s fine if she wants to invite him, but that my husband, kids, and I would then not be there. She said that I always put her in the middle of everything and that I shouldn’t assume what it’s like to be her. While I can agree that it’s difficult to be “in the middle”, for her to compare that to the abuse that I endured for years feels so dismissive, invalidating, and shows that she doesn’t understand the true scope of how sexual trauma sticks with you. Furthermore, she said that nobody in the family knows how to confront me about anything and that I make this situation impossible for anyone to navigate. This once again has made me feel ostracized and like the black sheep of the family. Also, she mentioned how she doesn’t want to deal with the questions from extended family about why one of us wouldn’t be at her wedding. She said she would try to work around us both being there and we wouldn’t have to interact at all.
I can’t trust that this would be the case even if my sister and parents addressed my brother about not confronting me about anything. Since being no contact, he has mailed me a strange printed photo album book full of photos of him and my children after I made it VERY clear that I feel he is not a safe person for my kids to be around. He also showed up after dark to the cabin I was staying at on my parents property during a weekend I had tried to come down to visit with my parents even after my dad had told him I would be there and not to go down to the cabin for the weekend. Luckily, my dad was still down there talking with me on the deck when he pulled up. He told me to go inside the cabin and then handled the situation himself. I feel that my brother has proven he can’t be trusted with respecting people’s boundaries even when asked by multiple people to do so.
Of course this isn’t a detailed description of all the situations and nuances that come with this, but it is a general summary. We are now at a stalemate after I went into a detailed explanation of the abuse I endured. After having to relive all the trauma to truly explain it to her because simply saying “he molested and abused be throughout childhood” wasn’t enough, she then asked insensitive follow up questions like “I thought this only happened one time. Do our parents know all the details?, etc.”
To wrap this all up, I am feeling very misunderstood, disrespected, and disappointed. I don’t understand why I am being blamed for making her feel horrible, making everything difficult, and ruining her wedding day when I am not the one that created this situation. Nobody wants to put the blame where it should justly be, which is on my brother. He chose this, not me, not my parents, and not my sister, but my husband and I are the only ones that seem to grasp that. At this point, I don’t know what to do because now she is saying she just won’t invite him, but it feels like it’s done begrudgingly and not out of love and understanding. I don’t want to attend the wedding or her upcoming graduation in May until I receive a genuine apology. Am I justified in my feelings? Should I still attend the wedding? Should I be apart of the wedding party? Am I wrong for giving her an ultimatum?