u/sweetsublime

I have a situation regarding domestic violence reporting and needing to feel safe knowing my address is not searchable online by my offender for retaliation purposes.

I am considering Incogni for this. I am willing to pay for the unlimited version. I like the ease of not having to contact the brokers on my own, but having the option for custom removals if needed. To me, the price is worth my peace of mind and safety.

My question is this: is this the most effective company/option for this situation? Incogni is the only one I’m familiar with. I am wondering if any other companies offer the same features (i.e., custom removals)? Does anyone have knowledge of companies who perform better/more efficiently, or are they all pretty much the same?

Side note: I already use a private network app on my phone and computer. I’m less concerned about social media profiles being visible (though mine are already all private), E2E email encryption, and all that other jazz. My main concern is my address being searchable online by my offender.

I apologize in advance to the length of this. I am really struggling and I don’t know anyone who has dealt with this. So I just don’t know where else to go right now. Not sure if the tagged flair is the right choice, I didn’t really feel like any of them fit for this post.

My ex from a long time ago is in jail for some serious domestic violence charges (up to 20 pending charges). They were asking more women to come forward with hopes of getting even more charges against him. I decided I wanted to help the 4 women that have already come forward and share my experience of non-aggravated rape from my ex.

I felt scared to come forward, but also confident in my decision; I wanted to help add as much time to his sentencing as possible because he is truly a danger to women. His violence has escalated far beyond what I experienced and I felt like coming forward with my story would help show a pattern of behavior, and ultimately, it would add weight to the other women’s stories.

I gave my police interview. And now I am dealing with so many conflicting emotions. Some moments, I still feel confident that I made the right decision. But then my mind flips and I’m so regretful. I haven’t really had to think very much about this man for quite a few years. Up until yesterday, I didn’t fear for my safety because he had never been physically abusive toward *me* specifically (beyond the rape) and the harassment from him (phone calls, texts, etc) died down over 6 years ago.

The detective thinks that he will be in prison for around 10 years. Of course, there’s really no way to know for sure until the actual sentencing. He has previous DV-related charges from a few years ago, and I am hopeful that will lend to a harsher sentencing this time around. I live in a state and county that takes DV very seriously, especially repeat offenders. But I know how these cases can go, and I am prepared to be disappointed in the sentencing. I also know that he could get less time if he takes a plea deal.

But with all that said, now I am so stuck on this thought that he is going to retaliate against me. That he’ll feel like I am being petty for coming forward all these years later. It gives him reason to harass me again (or worse, find me) when he gets out. Of the women that have come forward so far, I am bringing the lowest charge against him. So I’m also trying to tell myself that I’m probably not his biggest concern. But that point also adds to my regret because I wonder why I even came forward when my singular charge won’t add that much more time to his sentencing. Was it worth all of this?? I am in my 30s now, single and living alone. I currently live in a secure apartment building, but I’ve been saving for a home for the last 3 years. I’ve been so excited at the thought of finally getting a home and having a yard with a garden and getting to do projects around my future home. And now it all feels ruined. I feel like I’ll never be able to live in a free-standing home and feel safe. Particularly if I’m living alone. I should be able to get a protection order relatively easily after coming forward, but I know that’s not fail-proof protection.

I know that these feelings probably feel more intense right now because I had my police interview recently. But I just can’t imagine I’ll ever feel safe if I know he’s out of prison, even if that’s 10 years from now. I don’t know how to accept this. I woke up almost 2 hours ago (2:30am) sweating through my clothes and now I can’t fall back asleep. I’m so worried that I just ruined my whole future (both my safety and my peace of mind - again, I hadn’t really thought much about him recently and now I feel like I will think about him every single day). I feel like I should probably see a therapist about this… someone who can help me process these feelings. But I don’t even know how to find a therapist that would specialize in this.

Has anyone else had similar feelings of regret? How did you work through those and do you still feel that way after more time has passed? I don’t even know what I’m looking for by posting this beyond finding people who understand this feeling and have positive experiences of working through it and feeling ok again.

Has anyone seen or heard anything about what will be going into the closed down Rite Aid in downtown Bothell (by Pasion Tequila)?