u/stanky_swampass

Just the title, as this type of person I feel exhausted all the time haha

I feel like it’s so hard because it’s not just a job, where you can clock in and clock out without any emotional investment necessary. You really put your heart and soul into the work. And academia has this generational trauma where people come down on you hard even for the smallest mistakes.

I threw up 2x in lab today. I take medication that makes me nauseous. I usually draw the line at 2x then that’s the point I go home, so today when I went home at 3:30 and postponed cleaning up my station I was already unsteady on my feet and my hands were shaking so bad. My PI sent me an email telling me it was unacceptable behavior and I had to come back and clean it up, which is understandable. I did. But jeez, I worked so so hard recently and it really hurts me to my core when it feels like all my hard work isn’t appreciated.

I also have been going through personal hell. My dad is a narcissist and emotional abuser, and it’s been getting worse since I left home 2 years ago. I’ve had to take care of family responsibilities back home all remotely, and luckily things are progressing and he’s getting therapy. My roomate is exactly like my dad but worse IMO. Refuses therapy and instead gets high and is constantly drifting in and out of psychosis. I have to break my lease and I’m moving this weekend.

Everybody looks up to me. There are incredibly high standards I’m being compared to and I absolutely love that challenge, but sometimes I just want to cry and cry and cry. I do, as a matter of fact. I remember during the end of a month long data collection one of my animals I worked with experienced a severe injury and died a slow and painful death in front of me in spite of my best efforts. I just broke down and sobbed, then finished the experiment and went home.

I’m barely surviving, but I REFUSE to give up. This is my life’s work, and nothing will ever stop me from accomplishing what I set my mind to.

If you met someone and really liked them but they could only afford to take you on cheap dates, would that be a deal breaker? By cheap dates I mean ice cream, museums, or small concerts, as opposed to extravagant dinners, vacation trips, and the like. Thank you.