u/soyboydivision

TW - medical talk, hospitals, surgery details.

Six months ago my dad was diagnosed with stage 3C rectal cancer. Underwent intense chemo/radiation. Took a break for a month where he randomly fucked off with his wife to another country before surgery. He declined during that month significantly and was unable to walk property and had severe headaches and nausea.

He had a loop ileostomy placed that came with complications. He’s been in the hospital for almost 3 weeks now. They found a mass in his brain. Not sure if it’s benign or not. His output is way too high and he’s severely dehydrated and not eating anything. He will remain in hospital until it improves.

When I close my eyes I see his absolutely discouraged expression when the wheeled him out of the MRI room when they found out about the brain mass. I hear the sobs my step mom let out when he told her it was in the brain. I see the face he made when they removed his stitches. I feel the way he squeezed my hand. I hear the screams he let out as they removed his drain. I smell the smell of his output and remember how it felt to hold him as he threw up over and over again. The sound of retching with nothing to throw up anymore.

I have nightmares every night the past three weeks about losing my father. The other night I dreamt I was drowning in his output.

Haven’t spoken to my mother in almost seven years. She doesn’t live remotely close to me either. It’s been pretty great not having her in my life. She was incredibly violent to myself and my sibling growing up. She was not a motherly figure at all.

When I was born my parents contributed a small amount of money to an education fund for my sibling and I. The money came from my father. My mother never really worked in life and all the money she made she spent. But my father and her had joined finances and she is the second signatory on the education fund.

When my mother and father divorced one of the conditions was that mother got to take the amount of money left in my name (roughly half). There was no reason for this other than anger towards me. When you remove finances from that account you lose all of the matched and compounded amount and only get the principle. It was small.

I am not in university which I have entirely paid for myself. My family is very poor. I live in a rough area in a mouse infested old house, penny pinch and barely afford to live. I am almost done my school.

All she has to do is sign off on this money. It doesn’t come out of her pocket. I asked her because I am in a bad place financially and my sibling also wants to go to school. My sibling is more broke than I am.

I am just so angry. She wants me to apologize to her because I haven’t spoken with her in 7 years. When I asked she wanted “long standing improvement” meaning she wants me to kiss her ass for it essentially. Which I will not due. She has severe mental health issues and believes that I’m trying to sabotage her and am an agent of my “evil” father. lol