u/sleepless-in-limbo

I know mental illness is barely a thing mentioned in Asian American culture. I just want to put myself out there as an Asian American who has seen doctors since her 20s and inherited or even exacerbated a mental illness when 99% of my family doesn't struggle in any way. It feels like a cultural shame, something to hide. A deep shame even to other Asians not of my ethnicity or country of my parents' origins. It's hard to even admit here over the internet. It feels like this is normal to Western culture. In all else, it's a moral and character failure.

So, not really "dating" dating, we are actually boyfriend and girlfriend. In some of our discussions, I've asked what he looks for in a relationship? He never really answers in a concrete way. He has Gem rising as well.

I ask him what pisses him off or what's really a turn off or again, what does he really need and I never get real answers like, "I need lively conversation, I prefer loyalty from a partner" or basically a human response to another human.

Im sorry to say that I feel like I have a robot as a boyfriend. I myself am Cap sun, cap Venus and Scorpio Mars. I have a deep need to fall in love with something intense, passionate but, it's just not there. There is no passion yet Libra is the sign of "love" and yet, my boyfriend requires nothing from me (like truly nothing except mutual attraction I would say).

I can be boring, I can be exciting, I can put on 50 lbs., I can be extremely skinny. I can be a poor communicator. And I don't know why all of that doesn't feel like love because in a way, it just tells me, nothing really matters. It doesn't feel like acceptance- it feels extremely like apathy.

So tell me, what actually is love to a Libra if they have absolutely no real requirements for a relationship? I know that's he's not checked out. But, he really doesn't give a shit sometime or at least, I'm not getting a real passion. Do we just pivot to talking about Plato and current events instead (all non romance related)

Knowing that insomnia makes people stay awake for hours and hours, I'm just wondering if time seems to pass by "normally" for anyone here. For example, our bodies tend to know it's "late" by around midnight or after midnight, and our bodies tend to know it's "early" by 6-9 am. Does anyone ever experience 12 or 2 am but then in some messed up way, 12 am starts to feel like 2 pm? If that makes any sense. I hope this is or isn't a thing because I know how important it is for our well-being to feel like there's some sense of time.

Even with the best of intentions, my depression doesn't go away. I'm on medical leave due to both depression and severe sleep issues. On Saturday, I was near suicidal, not having plans really but for sure I didn't want to live and if I had a magical button to make it go away, I might have pushed it. It was such a challenging day. So I try to go to work Monday. Went and got my oil changed then headed into work. Ate 2 square meals that day, didn't starve myself. Headed home and went to sleep on time (sort of). Yet everything still feels so pointless the next day.

I've been doing this for years, some days doing everything that's necessary then not feeling any f*king reward from it. What can I do.

I'm sick of my brain