u/sin-tuationship

I’m struggling to pretend that I don’t love you.

I struggle to hide the love in my eyes.

Do you see it?

That warm smile you return to me…

You know, don’t you?

You feel it too.

I’m struggling to pretend that I don’t love you.

I’m struggling to exist around you without hiding just how much you really mean to me.

I want to hold you in my arms, bury you deep in my chest, and kiss you all over. I want to hold your hands, and press my forehead to yours. I want to share everything with you - the good, the bad, the ugly.

I wish you were mine.

It hurts that you aren’t mine.

Be mine?

Please.

I can feel and see that it’s what you want.

I would burn everything down for you. I want you for the rest of my life. I need you, for the rest of my life.

You are simply my everything.

I am struggling to pretend that I do not love you.

Are you struggling, too?

The way the energy shifted, as you called me over? The way our legs were touching…

I said I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, because you moved. Did I make you uncomfortable? Or did you just have to save yourself the explanation of why you stayed? Or-rather- wanted to.

Are you completely blind, or are you choosing safety?

I’m so confused, but at the same time I’m not. Every single time we’ve exchanged eye contact today, it has been totally magical. The kind of eye contact they write about. Magnetic, and non-negotiable, blatant proof.

I bet it’s terrifying for you. I bet that’s why you moved away, but your eyes kept yearning at me, desperately calling out to me.

Have I truly gone utterly insane? Off the deep end? Lost my marbles?

I don’t fucking think so.

So, you complete twat (lovingly)…

Just talk to me.

We are alone often. You’ve not got the wrong end of the stick. That’s what I’m worried about, but I know I haven’t. I am so highly intuitive, that I can feel the very millisecond your mood changes. Why would this be any different?

Just. Talk. To. Me.

Please, my love.

We can figure this out. Even if there is no way to make it work, I can’t live in the dark. I would never blame you for a decline in my mental health… but… really. You’ve seen me in some bad spots lately, and it’s mostly been related to this exact situation, and not knowing where I FUCKING STAND.

I can’t bear it.

I don’t want to hate you. I want to just know.

Even a passing comment, like “love ya”. Or, if that’s too much, “I love spending time with you”, “I’m so glad you joined”, “I really like your hair like that”, “I made you blush”, “you’re cute”…

There are so many subtle hints, that can (in a weird, backwards way) put your interest out in the open, OBVIOUSLY.

We’re both neurodivergent. We both need a bit more of a slap in the face with it. I get that. And like I said, I can see it, and FEEL it. But to hear literally anything out loud, that confirms it, would be so helpful right about now. Because it’s starting to hurt my chest, a bit.

I know you’ve said things like that before to me, but I couldn’t tell if you were just being friendly - it was more towards the start.

Give me something to work with, here.

Or, do me one better, and just start a conversation about it.

“I have been thinking about you, and I need to talk it through with you.”

Hell, even if that ended up with you saying “back the fuck off, you’re making me uncomfortable”, I’d rather that than the purgatory. And I KNOW you don’t feel that way about me.

So, even though you’ll probably not even see this, just think about it, and try to take some action here, for me, and the state of my mind. It would probably help you, too.

Love you, thank you again for today.

Me.

x

…and that means multiple things can be true at once.

I love you, and I love everyone else in the inner circle surrounding us. Not quite in the same way, but in a way that is pure. Even though my heart is in the right place, and I would never intentionally hurt anyone, there’s a lot wrong with my feelings.

Quite the conundrum I’ve found myself in.

Sometimes I find myself wishing this never happened, but then I think how silly that is because I would have never learnt the lessons, felt the joy, and the pain, and all that has come with it. And I wouldn’t be your friend. Which is the most important part to me.

I talk the talk here, where feelings are protected, but I wouldn’t walk the walk unless it was truly time, and a firm decision had been made. It’s sad, but I will adore you from afar forever if it needs to be that way. We aren’t bad people, neither of us. We are just in the right place at the wrong time. I’m sure those reading this think otherwise, but that doesn’t really matter, and they don’t know the shapes of our souls, or the weight of our hearts.

Let’s just be happy that we get to see eachother almost every day, and that we get to spend so much beautiful time together making memories, and building such a timeless friendship. We are proof that love has no limit, nor look, nor rules.

The only rules are the moral ones that we won’t break, because we don’t have it in our hearts.

People wouldn’t understand. But that’s okay. Our love is so powerful that it couldn’t have ever happened easily. It needed to be this way, or it wouldn’t have meant so much.

Maybe one day, we will be at a point where we could finally kiss, and intertwine our bodies. Maybe not. I’m just so happy to be standing next to you, able to call you my best friend.

Thank you.

Love,
Me

I bet you’re a right sick fuck in the bedroom.

And if you never had the chance to explore that side of yourself because I know that you’re so respectful, I bet you’re so so desperate to go there.

You said it yourself, it’s been a… “long time”.

I want to know what makes you tick. What makes your collar feel too tight, and your fists clench, without you even realising it.

Are you dominant? Or are you submissive? A bit of both? A switch?

Do you like to play? You seem to like the little games we play. I like them too, very much. I want to play more.

Are you interested in using toys? Tying someone up and using them? Being tied up? Blindfolds? Gags?

I bet you’d enjoy having access to whatever you wanted whenever you wanted it, and knowing it’s all yours, and only yours.

I get the feeling you’re possessive. Not in a toxic way, but sometimes your colour is a shade of green that gives me a little thrill we’re not at a point for me to admit to you yet.

What’s your favourite position? Doggy is mine. Would you prefer to be ridden? Or does the idea of me moaning into the pillow with my ass in the air get you all hot and bothered? Are you more of a hitting it from the side kind of person?

Where do you like to do it? A cheeky quickie in the car before or after a journey? On the armchair? In the shower? Up against the wall? Are you traditional? Real romantic and sweet with candles and rose petals? Strictly in the bed?

I very much doubt you’re vanilla. I’ve seen that devilish glint in your eye when I make certain comments. Safe enough as to not arouse suspicion, dangerous enough to get a rise out of you, and make you stop in your tracks.

I’ve seen you covering yourself up down there. I wouldn’t want to embarrass you. I think it’s incredibly cute, and sexy.

I’ve seen the way you blush, acting all bashful and innocent. I like catching you off guard. It feels like I won. Like the roles reversed.

I’m a brat. But I can be dominant. If you’re into that.

Variety is the spice of life, after all.

You know I’m queer, right? That opens some opportunities you might have never gotten to experience…

I just want to please you, baby. Sorry for being so crass. It’s not exactly like I was an angel to begin with. I know you want to please me too. I bet you’re the kind of man that would beg to satisfy me, or not ask at all, and just do. Head buried between my thick thighs, coming up for air just so you don’t pass out, mouth dripping, and licking your lips.

I can picture the faces and hear the noises you might make. I bet you’re not afraid to really show how much you’re enjoying yourself. Grunting, and grabbing, and shakily breathing in my ear. So desperate. So fucking sexy. Animalistic and insatiable.

You seem like the open minded type, not afraid to roleplay, take up a new experience like it’s something you’ve done time and time again…

Teacher and student, monster and damsel in distress, animals in the jungle…

I have to cut this short, but just know that nothing is cutting it for me, because it isn’t you.

I need you so badly.

My vibrator and dildo is working overtime.

I’m all yours, and we’re not even official. Shamelessly faithful.

Love,
Me

Goodness me… there really is no appropriate flair for me to use. This is no longer a crush. It’s love. It’s friendship. It’s family. I don’t want advice. We’re not exes. And we’re certainly not strangers.

You mean so fucking much to me, you really do.

If we ever spoke about it, I could tell you everything I adore about you for hours.

This time of year, a year ago, it all hit me like a freight train. I never stood a chance of fighting it.

You, boy, are my Achilles’ Heel.

And I had no idea what was coming for me.

You charged in, after waiting patiently on the sidelines for who knows how long, and grabbed the world from my shoulders, turned it completely upside down, did a fucking flip, and absolutely YEETED it into outer space. Along with us. I literally, like… I just cannot put it into words. I’m so sorry. I want to SO bad.

This whole thing was birthed from something primal, spiritual, and so so powerful, that I just simply can’t put my finger on.

I’ll tell you the truth. When I first met you, I was in a very vulnerable place. And I’m not talking about when I moved, I mean, when I first actually met you. You were always objectively handsome to me, but I was so deeply terrified of everyone, and everything. I was sick, and tired, and ready to pack it in. I had been for what seemed like forever.

And then when I DID move, my own mindset changed, and my perspective shifted.

I had just been through way too much. And everything was always shit. And I just thought actually, what the FUCK has even gone wrong here??? When did I just bow down to the sorrow, abuse, pain, and suffering?

I AM powerful. I AM fucking resilient, and strong, and deserve so much more than this. Or, like, what “this” was at the time. You know?

So anyway, yeah, if this is making sense, it’s a miracle. If you were to read this, I’m sure you’d be able to decipher, you’re great at doing that with me. It’s impressive. Lol.

So, what I think happened was that attitude change, and longing for something more invited opportunities into my life. It allowed many beautiful things to happen. It was a process, don’t get me wrong, and it hasn’t been easy at all. But I’ve felt the shift in everything around me.

Especially you.

I vividly remember that trip we all went on. It was so daunting for me to get out of my comfort zone like that, but it really helped, actually. Everyone was so warm, and understanding, and pretty much everyone respected my boundaries.

Something drew us powerfully to eachother during that trip. Do you remember the eye contact that night? Christ… it’s like you completely rewired my brain chemistry. It’s like I had been asleep for a century, and the moment we caught eachother’s eye from across the room, I woke up. We were literally GLUED to eachother. Fixated. It was the kind of eye contact that people try to put into movies, and fail miserably, because it’s so spiritually powerful, that you just can’t quite get it right. If I were to refer to any movie that ALMOST got it perfect, it would have to be Lost in Translation.

You looked so beautiful. And sexy. And to be quite frank, in the name of honesty, I was soaked through. Lol. But that’s beside the point.

It’s like I had an epiphany about you. Or, your presence. Something like that. Like, I finally saw you. Properly. And I think looking back it made everything make sense.

You used to trigger me so badly. The way you got up in my face, it was so much for me to deal with at the time. It got to a point where I had to ask you know who to tell you to stop. I think he forgot, but you got there on your own anyway. Thank you for that. It was never a case of YOU were scary, it was just at such an unfortunate time, you know?

Anyway, rambling. I just write as I think. This is how my brain works lol.

But yeah, I can’t remember how long it was afterwards, but we were still on that trip. We all went to the arcade, and it was so much fun, and when it came time to leave, I needed my own space. You know who had been really aggressive with me, which no one knows about. And no one would have believed me, I don’t think. I wasn’t in the right place or around the right people to say anything, so I just needed to go take a walk, hang out on my own, and cool off. I wanted to just go and cry, to be honest.

As I explained that I was going to hang around a bit longer, you were staring at me again. When I finished speaking, without hesitation, you asked if I’d like you to come with me. I am so gutted that I said no. But I don’t think it was the right time, and I made a good call. It doesn’t stop me wondering though. What were you going to say? What was the plan? We hardly knew eachother, or hung out at that point. I just want to know what would have happened if I said yes. I look back and regret not saying yes.

Part of me is sure you felt safe enough there to do something. I don’t know what it was you wanted to do. Sometimes I think you might have kissed me. Was that what you wanted to do? Or did you want to hold my hand? The connection through eye contact that we had was way too powerful for it to have just been strictly professional, you know?

And then, when we were all going through that dark, grief ridden place, a couple of months afterwards, we were like the only two that didn’t quite fit into the equation. Two deaths, two black sheep. I can’t explain it any other way. You knew him, and loved him, but you weren’t in any position to soften. You needed to be strong, for everyone’s sake around you. I felt the same, with my situation. Isn’t it strange and terrible that those two beautiful people, worlds apart, had to leave us so soon after the other?

I felt loneliness like I’d never felt it before during that time. And I know crippling loneliness. It’s in my diagnosis. I didn’t have anyone there to lean on, or talk to, or to hug, even. Because I ALSO had to be strong. It was horrible.

And then, when I found out what had happened to “my” him (trying to stay somewhat anon), no one was there. Apart from you. Like, actually, physically, you were the only one in close proximity I could go and be vulnerable with. I needed to. So bad.

Thank you for your kindness, and being vulnerable back. I didn’t even know you had that side to you. That was powerful, too. I told you what happened, asked for a hug, and you gave it without a moment’s hesitation. You held onto me so tightly, with such a powerful warmth, that I have never known, or gotten to experience before. And you told me about your connection with “your” him. And that you were finding it really difficult, too.

I felt such strong empathy towards you. I saw you. Truly saw you. In that moment. It’s like I could see into your mind, and it felt like my own. I felt so sad that you hadn’t been able to feel that, or acknowledge it, up until then. It was clear as day that you hadn’t even had the chance to really process your own emotions about it all. I hope I was able to bring you some comfort that day. Even if it just came from you saying it out loud. Sometimes that’s what you need to actually understand yourself.

And then, we started gravitating towards eachother, slowly, and cautiously. Until we spent a large chunk of almost every day together. I didn’t think I would get along with you as well as I did. I think it surprised you too. We really are so much more alike than I ever imagined we would be. And our differences are safe. That’s something that’s difficult to come by.

I get the feeling that your very first impression of me, before you even met me, had been something to be scared of. I’m sure there was a lot of chatter regarding me, and my issues, that scared you, or made you almost angry before you even knew who I really was. I know it scared and infuriated the others too.

Thank you for giving me the chance. A chance to prove myself, in a way. That I’m not whatever those people had perceived me as, without ever giving me a chance to prove them wrong. There was a lot going on, in my life. I wish everyone knew. Truly knew. But that’s the past.

I’m just reminiscing really, and looking at how far I’ve come. How far we have come. It’s been such a strange year of my life. But it’s also been exciting, beautiful, and a very needed lesson. Lots of lessons actually.

I’ve learnt about myself. Patience. What love actually means, and that it’s not just a surface level thing, it runs so much deeper, and it doesn’t need to be acknowledged for it to be there, and that it doesn’t have to look a certain way. I’ve learnt acceptance, and accountability, both of myself, and others.

I’ve gained a lot of insight into your world. Because you have let me. That means so much to me, on so many levels. It has been so refreshing to know that I’m not alone in this situation. It’s also hard to explain, but I almost feel like you really resonate with me too, on that same kind of level.

Sort of like you needed someone else - an outsider - to come in and show you that you’re not crazy, or strange, or wrong, etc.

I can tell you’ve never quite fit in anywhere that you’ve been. And it’s so sad. I understand it so well. And it makes me upset that you didn’t and don’t have it in more recent times with the people you should have it with. Does that make sense? But then, also, I feel that way. And I can see now that I deserve a whole lot more in the way of respect, patience, love… you do too. It seems you’re seeing it now. I’m so happy for you. I’m happy for me.

I wish this could all be easier for both of us. I see the hesitation in you sometimes, like if you were to say something, no matter how small, you would open the flood gates. And it terrifies you. And you’re not quite ready to deal with what comes with that yet. It pains me to say it, but I am in exactly the same boat. That’s why this has been going on for so long. We’re like two little kids with a crush on eachother, not knowing how to go about it, and just smiling shyly from across the room, instead of saying something.

If I was looking down on the situation from above, I’d be pulling my hair out, and screaming at us to do SOMETHING! Literally, ANYTHING. Kiss The Girl from The Little Mermaid comes to mind.

We’re in this sort of lovesick/lovedrunk purgatory. Some days it makes it so hard to even be in your presence, when I really should be, to let you know I’m firmly here, not going anywhere. Is that what scares you? Besides all the other shit? That I’ll run from you if you make it real? I absolutely wouldn’t. But that’s what scares me too.

God, it’s fucked up, ainten’t it?

And I’m so pussy that I had to make a burner account just to write this unsent letter, put it into the world, and to not be afraid to leave it there. I’ve dabbled with posting this kind of thing on my main account, where you have me, but it makes me so ill. I get so unbelievably anxious that I’m wrong, when actually, I know that I’m right. It’s in the way you look at me. The way you touch my hand, or arm, or back “on accident”. Reddit isn’t real life, and I get so caught up in it, searching desperately for you. When in reality, you’re already here, in arm’s reach. And I’m just wasting time and mental energy that I could be spending with you in real life. And then I hide away in fear, ignoring you, or pretending to, because i’m just not ready to face up to it yet.

I am so sorry.

I made this account because I still have to get this all out SOMEWHERE. If I can’t talk to you about it, I can’t talk to anyone else about it, and I can’t get through it without exploding, I think this is logically an okay coping mechanism.

And maybe one day, we’ll look back at all of this, and I’ll tell you all about the countless letters I’ve sent into the void, hoping I’ll hear you calling back, and you’ll laugh, saying how silly it was that neither of us just said it, when it was so blatantly obvious.

You are simply amazing. You’re unlike anyone I have ever met, or thought I’d ever meet. I’m so grateful for you, every day. Even when I’m struggling, you somehow manage to cool me the fuck down, and THAT for someone like me is practically impossible. You bring so much joy and laughter to my life. Your lack of judgement and your complete patience and understanding for me is so healing, and beautiful. I absolutely adore you. You’ve shown me the light, and gently nudged me into a place that’s so much better than I could have imagined, all the while, cheering me on without even having to say a word.

Thank you for trusting me with the new opportunity you handed me. I love getting to spend more time with you in that space. I love getting to see you just be you. In your happy place. I love seeing you smile, and hearing you laugh, and I love the way you interact with others.

I love how you always want to help, even when it’s difficult for you. I love how you have empathy but you’re not mushy about it. I love that you’re like me. I love your music taste, and that you can appreciate art properly, and the way you speak through the lyrics of your favourite songs. I love the curious and cheeky sparkle in your pretty, sleepy eyes. I love that I’ve started using your catchphrases and references. I love that you feel safe enough to yap away to me about whatever you want to. I would never shut you down, and you’re not boring, ever. I could listen to you explain the science behind paint drying, and it would be completely amazing and mind blowing. I want you to stop apologising for speaking. I hate that you’ve been told it’s boring for so long that you’ve started to believe it. I want to help you get out of that habit. Fuck those people for making you insecure to be your authentic self, and for making you feel uncomfortable in your own skin.

I love that your hair is messy 99% of the time, and that you’re not afraid to flirt with me, and that you’re coming from a completely morally good place.

I love your views on politics, how outspoken you are about it, and that you fight the good fight. I could go on forever.

I just love you. Every part of you. I love everything that I have had the privilege of learning about you, and that I’m yet to know. I still love you when you’re angry, even if it sometimes frightens me. I still love you when you need solitary space, and time. I love the way you look, and that you are able to take the piss out of yourself. I love that you’d never make fun of my appearance. Even if you pretend you were going to, you wouldn’t ever dream of potentially hurting someone like that.

I love your soul, and the feelings you bring to me. I love the magic in the air that lingers around me after we’ve spent time together. I love the way you dress.

Oh my gosh, I just love you so much. I wish I could tell you.

These feelings I have for you are not going anywhere. They are infinite. We make such a brilliant team, friends, lovers, crushes, whatever you want to call it. We are fucking amazing together! Hell yeah.

Anyway, I’ve been writing for ages, and I’m just circling now.

You have captivated me. You are my muse. My hero. My rock. My soul twin. My twin flame. My sidekick. Whatever you want to call it, you are my most favourite ever.

I love you, and I’m not going ANYWHERE.

Forever, whether you like it or not,
Me.
All of me.

With extra sprinkles, a glacier cherry, a cheeky dash of whiskey, whipped cream, and a flake on top.

Thank you for being you.

Dear,

I want it all.
I want your everything.

The beautiful, the romantic, the sickly sweet.
The ugly, the grotesque, the terrible and naughty.

I’m simply ravenous, hungry as sin.

Bite me and I’ll bite back.
Wrap your tongue around the curve of my neck and watch me writhe.
Melt me into a puddle with your hot breath, and don’t mop up the mess. It’s better that way.

I’m a gorgeous, messy wreck of desire and fantasy.

Now sit back and enjoy the show I put on for you.

That’s a fucking order.

-