u/rohthegardener

My partner and I had a stupid argument a week ago about differing philosophical beliefs. For context, the topic we were debating about has been a sensitive topic for us as my partner is from a controversial country and my bestfriend has adopted extremist views against that country. The argument turned explosive because of a misinterpretation, which led to me getting outed to my abusive family via overhearing.

We managed to resolve this and tried going about our day together. She also has a nicotine addiction and sometimes it feels horrible balancing helping her but also not letting her suffer. I let her buy a tub of snus only with the condition that she gets one with 1/3 max strength, and she bought one at 4 strength. I blew up at her because it felt like she had broken my trust again - I was in a sensitive position given the previous events but I honestly should’ve given the moment time and had a serious discussion with her. She ended up leaving.

Given my friends’ dislike of her, I knew I couldn’t talk to them and neither my partner about the recent events, eventhough they were eating at me. I posted a vent under a subreddit and it blew up - I think she saw it and blocked me every where as a result. I think she thinks I posted it maliciously, but I genuinely didn’t mean it that way. I deleted it after three hours but the damage was done.

I know I hurt her deeply as both events were based on topic extremely sensitive to her. I just want to take it back and apologise - I hope we could keep living a future together. She is everything to me and I don’t want to lose her. It feels like my whole entire being is hurting - I can’t eat, I can’t work, and breathing feels heavy. I miss our morning table tennis sessions, drinking coffee together, making her coffee, enjoying eachother’s presence. I miss texting her and being able to say whatever’s on our minds to eachother. I miss her voice and the way she says my nickname.

I’ve been ghosted for six days and I feel like, with each day, this future grows increasingly implausible. I know all of this is selfish - but I just want to let it out without making things worse. I check her reddit page everyday incase she writes anything because this is the only form of social media she has - I don’t even care if it’s slander, I just want something. She’s blocked me on here too.