u/realSailorJim

My neighbor down the road has an odd obsession with his yard. I'm sure you've all met the type. His yard has to rival most golf courses. Has specialty equipment attached to his mower to ensure alternating stripes in the yard. Constantly tending his shrubbery to ensure it's pristine and geometrical precision.

You know ... a twit.

Mine, unfortunately, has been working diligently to form an HOA for the entire time he's lived here. Thankfully, the rest of us are more of the anarchist types, so he's never managed to get any traction. Not that this stops him from pretending he is the president of an HOA, of course.

Which means, every single time I decide to whack the collection of weeds that passes for my yard down to a manageable size, he simply must come over and harass me the entire time I'm working, pointing out how my bushes are growing wild and how my walkways are never trimmed, offering to loan me his electric edger so that I can join the rest of civilization, and on and on and on.

I do my level best to ignore him while I push my old mower around, but it's like ignoring a mosquito and just as annoying. So, I decided to give him something other to worry about and started taking my sister's dogs for long walks as a favor to her, letting them run through fields, splash through rivers, and otherwise collect as many tickclovers and cockleburs as possible. Then, since I am such a good brother, I make sure to brush them all out of their coats before returning the pups to my sister.

Then, since I am a petty asshole, I scatter the tickclovers and cockleburs over the erstwhile president's front lawn on my way home. After a couple of weeks, his once-perfect lawn is a mess of bloody tough weeds, and he's constantly out there, weeding and spreading herbicides, even while I'm mowing.

My wife and I have the questionable habit of feeding strays. We have bird feeders all over our property, put out cookies for the squirrels, and leave food and water in our backyard for any strays that wander by. The latter is the reason I'm writing this ...

So, I put out a fresh bowl of dry food and a large pan of water every day between five and six in the evening. I go out every morning and refill the water bowl and toss whatever food remains into my yard, usually just crumbs. A week ago, my wife took out some trash and, when she returned, asked me if I'd forgotten to put out food.

I walked outside and, sure enough, the food bowl was empty. Well, I am retired, so maybe I forgot. I refilled it and went back inside.

The thing is ... it happened every night for the rest of the week. I made a point of double-checking before going to bed, and the damn bowl was always empty.

Cut to the chase, and it turns out our new neighbor had noticed our habit of leaving food out for strays. So, not wanting to turn down a boon to her budget, she was putting her little dog in a harness and lowering him over the fence separating our yards. Then she'd let out slack on the rope until he could reach our back porch, let him empty the bowl, and then reel him back in.

Once I caught her at it, we had a brief conversation ... if you can use the word to describe me asking questions at a reasonable volume and her screaming nonsense for replies. Finally, I called her landlord, a friend of a friend, and asked if he could have a word with her. Just let her know that this is not how to be a good neighbor.

He listened to me, then asked, "She has a dog?"

Turns out that he doesn't rent to people with dogs. Cats, yes; dogs, no. He drove over and caught her with her dog in the living room. Now she has 30 days to move out. Not my finest moment, but how was I to know that the guy would do that?