u/random_thingyys

I never felt so seen in my life. I am not diagnosed pero yung mga posts rito, nagagawa ko rin. I really want to change badly at marami na rin akong gustong gawin na hindi ko man lang magawa. 

Napahagulgol ako especially nung nabasa ko rito about someone na nauwi sa self-harming. I can relate kasi awang awa na rin ako sa sarili ko, parang walang padadaluyan ang buhay ko, ayaw ko nang magpatuloy pa pero may gusto pa akong patunayan.

For how long na I've been diagnosed with PDD or dysthymia. Akala ko it was my parents strictness at environment growing up pero naalala ko how I break down just because I couldn't start doing something. Na ang root cause sa mga breakdown ko ay ako. 

Akala ko talaga tamad lang ako at overthinker as I was described throughout my life. Was also described as always late rin. Kahit anong start ko, hindi ko talaga kayang ma consistent. All those morning routines na I can only do for a day or two, mga libro na hindi ko matapos-tapos, mga assignments and projects na nagapa-pile up, interests like arts and music na hindi ko tinuloy i pursue. I've done self help books' techniques, meditation, exercise but I haven't been consistent with anything from it.  Maliliit nga lang na bagay kahit na susi, takip ng toothbrush o ballpen na madaling makalimutan, easily distracted pero kung ma hook up sa laro at porn ay grabe rin. When I get hooked up to an activity, nalilimutan at natitiis ko nga rin ang di kumain. I can focus on things like my phone and even to the point of getting addicted to porn (pmo) pero on stuffs that actually matter, hindi talaga 😭

Pandemic, ito yung naaalala ko na grabeng procrastination ko na idinadaan ko na lang sa iyak. Ang deadlines na yung motivation ko pero di ko pa rin magawa, nale-late pa rin ako palagi. I would spend the night focusing on starting to do things yet I don't finish it all in time. I remember one time na tinapos ko magbasa ng libro sa isang setting sa gabi than finishing an activity na deadline na the morning after. Need ko pa mapagalitan nila mama at papa para gawin ko na at magpasa pero sometimes, di pa rin mapasa on time. Grabeng katamaran at tardiness ko nun na nagspiral out to me being highly emotional coz bakit ba di ko magawa. 

It led to my mother taking me to a psychiatrist and ang mga sinabi ko nun ay ang experience ko with my parents regarding sa pressure sa school when in fact, I was the one pressuring myself to do things na hindi ko talaga magawa. Instead of looking inside myself, I've blamed my parents and told my psychiatrist about it and haven't highlighted kung bakit ganun parents ko sa akin. I was so sensitive rin kasi

Siguro when I was talking to the psychiatrist, I was focusing so much in the pain my parents caused me growing up. It was more on relationships, the pressure to do well, and a f\*cked-up ooverthinking brain causing my anxiety and depression but hindi ko nasabi about my behavior.

I attended therapy rin and had goals on what to do for a month, mga suggestions ng psychiatrist ko about what I can do, my journal, habits to build, routines na I personally suggested but everytime I come back, I still haven't done a thing about it.

Grabe, nasabihan na ako ng ate at mama ko na puro na lang ako plano. I also do things at the last minute especially my chores kasi baka parating na sila. I spent my day overthinking about my life, researching on how to imrove myself but haven't accomplished any.

I was so ashamed of myself and still am. Palagi na lang ganto. I know hindi pa ako diagnosed pero I will check back on my psychiatrist about this. I just felt so seen kaya I felt posting. 

Ganito ba talaga to? Has anyone ever changed and improved themselves for the better? Does it get better at the end? What if hindi pala to ADHD and I'm filtering out my experiences but really, this is what my life actually has been except that I never say this things to anyone and I second guess myself every time. I really don't know what to do, gusto ko lang namang ma change yung life ko.

Sorry for ranting 😭

I’ve never felt so seen in my life. I’m not diagnosed, but the posts here are things I go through too. I really want to change badly, and there are so many things I want to do that I just can’t get myself to do.

I broke down especially when I read about someone here who ended up self-harming. I can relate because I also feel so sorry for myself. It feels like my life has nowhere to go. I don’t want to keep going anymore, but at the same time, I still feel like I have something to prove.

For a long time, I’ve been diagnosed with PDD or dysthymia. I thought it was because of my parents being strict and my environment growing up. But I remembered how I would break down just because I couldn’t start doing something. It made me think that maybe the root of my breakdowns is me.

I really thought I was just lazy and an overthinker, because that’s what I’ve always been called. I’ve also always been known for being late. No matter how many times I try to start something, I can’t stay consistent. Morning routines only last a day or two. Books, I never finish them. Assignments and projects keep piling up. Interests like art and music, I never continued them. I’ve tried self-help techniques, meditation, exercise, but I can’t stay consistent with any of them. Even small things like keys, toothbrush caps, or pens, I easily forget them. I get distracted easily, but when I get hooked on games or porn, it’s extreme. When I’m hooked on something, I even forget to eat. I can focus so much on my phone to the point of addiction, but when it comes to things that actually matter, I just can’t 😭

During the pandemic, I remember how bad my procrastination got. I would just cry instead of doing anything. Deadlines were already the motivation, but I would still be late. I’d spend the whole night trying to start something but still not finish it on time. I remember one time I finished reading a book in one sitting overnight instead of finishing an activity that was due the next morning. I still needed my parents to get mad at me before I could do things, and even then, sometimes I still couldn’t submit on time. My laziness and being late got so bad that I became very emotional because I kept asking myself, why can’t I just do it?

It led to my mom bringing me to a psychiatrist. But when I talked to them, I focused more on my experience with my parents, the pressure and everything, when in reality I was also the one putting pressure on myself to do things I couldn’t do. Instead of looking into myself, I blamed my parents and didn’t really explain why they were like that towards me. I was also very sensitive at that time.

When I talked to the psychiatrist, I focused so much on the pain from my parents growing up. It was more about relationships, pressure to do well, my overthinking mind, anxiety, and depression, but I didn’t talk about my behavior.

I also went to therapy and had goals, things to do within a month, suggestions from my psychiatrist, journaling, habits, routines that I even suggested myself. But every time I came back, I still hadn’t done anything.

My sister and my mom have told me that I’m all plans. I also only do things at the last minute, especially chores, because I’m scared they might come home already. I spend my whole day overthinking my life, researching how to improve myself, but I don’t actually accomplish anything.

I felt so ashamed of myself, and I still do. It’s always like this. I know I’m not diagnosed yet, but I’ll go back to my psychiatrist and bring this up. I just felt so seen, that’s why I wanted to post.

Is it really like this? Has anyone actually changed and improved for the better? Does it get better in the end? What if this isn’t ADHD and I’m just filtering my experiences, but this is really just how my life has always been? I’ve never said these things to anyone, and I keep second guessing myself every time. I really don’t know what to do. I just want to change my life.

Sorry for the rant 😭