u/ramonaisdead

I have seen many posts since I found this sub a few minutes ago about this topic. I’ve been scared about this for a while but now I’m really scared. I was a Fashion Design major for 2 years. I transferred schools to do online because of multiple traumatic things there. Now I do Psychology. Unfortunately, I really wish I could live on campus again bc I felt like I had so much freedom but too much stuff happened despite how much I miss my friends. ANYWAY, i have been interested in this field way before and I enjoyed doing my own research. Since i realized that this is just a hobby and i know I’m not gonna make any money with FD, i changed it to psych!

The classes are super duper fun. Easy as fuck but to my demise, I have mediocre grades. When I started my second PSYCH semester I thought I’d graduate with straight As or/and Bs. I was doing so well in school up until the middle of the semester where I had a mental decline (again) and missed multiple assignments or submitted late work. It doesn’t help I have horrible executive dysfunction and procrastinate so much. I dread initiating anything.

Now, what does this have anything to do with the title? So glad you asked!!! Despite me enjoying my major, I have no clue what I want to do with it. I really wanted to do forensics or criminal psych (just analyzing crimes and criminals but I don’t want to work with them if that makes sense. I have looked at careers once a while ago and I wasn’t interested in anything. Hell I wasn’t interested in FD after a while because I just enjoyed it for fun but not for a career. I randomly picked it bc I was rushed into college. Anyway, I absolutely DO NOT want to be a therapist or exactly anything in the clinical field. Absolutely not. I do not want to be a therapist or anything like that. I enjoy learning about mental disorders but that means nothing. I do not want to do HR, business or anything. I’d be miserable.

I don’t get how people know what career they want after college. I wish I could work from home and not go to physical place unless it’s only a few times a week. I hate interacting with people but it’s an unfortunate part of life. I don’t want to work and i know no one else would work if they could lol, but we have to work to survive so I obviously gotta pick something. I don’t understand how people have dream careers. Any time I am asked this I jokingly say who the hell dreams of a job. Just nothing gains my attention or I would be even more miserable than I already am. I don’t know what to pick that I’d be okay with in doing. There is no room to be picky but I don’t want to feel awful because I’m in a career I don’t like.

It is my last year next spring semester. I am so scared. It makes me want to cry. I know I’m gonna be rushed into a job too by my mom or pressure from family if I can’t think of something or constantly asked about it. I just wish I had infinite time to think about it. I feel like even if I did, I wouldn’t be close to figuring it out.

Rant over.

edit: also to add I DONT WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL AGAIN I CANT DO IT I CANT ☠️☠️☠️

I’ve had mine since January. It makes me feel super clean.

I feel like a new person. I am saying this after using it and I am happy. I enjoy knowing my hole is fresh and clean. Toilet paper sucks ass. I am dreading thinking about using a public restroom now or going to a residence with no bidet.

I love my bidet

That is all. Goodnight.

I believe I posted on here before about this but I still have many concerns. This is mainly a support/rant post.

My license is suspended for 6 months bc of my seizure from Feb. I haven’t had one since 6th grade and 4th/5th grade as well. (I’m 21). I think I’ve had four in my life according to my mom. When I was 19 I had an aura feeling and it was really bad that I thought I was going to have one but I never did because I kept trying to keep myself up or something. Plus it didn’t help my parents cut me off cold turkey from cannabis imo thought idk if it had a part it in plus around that time I went into psychosis for other reasons around that time. I still don’t understand what happened during that period of my life it is quite embarrassing lol.

ANYWAY, yea my license is suspended and while I have been really upset yet anticipating on getting in back, I’m very concerned. I just got the car last May so I didn’t have it for even a year but I am kinda of scared to start driving again. At first I wasn’t? Ever since today I’ve been quite concerned. I take 75mg of lamictal twice a day since I’ve seen a neurologist in February. I meet with her on Monday again after 3 months.

Do any of you still drive? How do you guys feel about it or do u limit how far you drive from? Do you work? There is no way I am going to be able to have any transportation at all without a car because I live nowhere near a bus stop, Ubers are expensive. It is hard for me to get rides other than with my mom. I was so happy driving going to the gym almost every day since October and now I barely go (only 2-3x a week, 4 if I’m lucky) with my mom. I don’t know how to feel. I do get auras I always have so I know when they are coming and I’d have time to do anything whether I’m in the house or somewhere. It lasts a while actually. I noticed I only get them around my period. Literally the next day I get my period. Regardless, it’s still worries me a lot especially I haven’t had one where I have went unconscious since middle school.

Also you may be thinking why wasn’t I on any medication when I had one back in middle school? I actually was. Thought I forgot what happened but my mom kept getting mad at the doctor because she gave me “too much medicine”. I had 100mg of lamictal twice a day. I was pretty upset about it cuz she took the pills from me and I haven’t had them until recently. I was taking it for a few months recently for depression but I only had 50mg so it’s recent with me taking 75mg now. My neuro is going to increase my dose and see how I am on it now since she said that last visit. I hope I’ll be able to drive or at the very least be able to drive to a bus stop if I want to go anywhere far when I don’t feel comfortable when I get my license.

Waiting 6 months makes no sense to me. Not because I think it’s wrong but because seizures can be unpredictable for a lot of people. Is there a scientific reason for this? My mom’s coworker had a seizure 8 years ago and she now has medications and drives to work every day 45 minutes away and she always asks about me. It kind have has given me hope but of course I’ve seen other stories as well.

My mom is somewhat very controlling and dependent on my presence. It is extremely annoying. I’m 21.
So I got a car last year because she was nice enough to get me one because I’ve had my license for 2.5 years and never got to use a car other than my moms to practice. I don’t live on campus anymore upstate which sucks because of personal traumatic issues that kept happening those two years and I really miss it bc of the freedom and independence I had. I had my own room those two years so it felt like a mini apartment away from home. I was only there up until my last semester of sophomore year. I didn’t care as much because I really kept trying to plan to go see my friends. It is a 2-2.5 hour drive. I can’t drive rn due to medical issues but I will be able to in the next 2.5 months. Seeing them has never worked out.

I brought this up today randomly bc I said I missed driving + not relying on her or the occasional uber for rides. Then I said I missed college and I want to drive there to see them. She keeps saying that “well you can’t go by yourself you need to have someone with you” each time I try to talk about it and she says how I need to always have someone with me. I keep telling her that is not realistic to have anyone with you and the friends down here don’t know any of my friends + I don’t want to be dependent on people to go somewhere bc I’d rather do it alone when safe and not everyone is available when you are. She said “that’s not what I was saying” then what are you even saying???? I didn’t even ask cuz it would have been an argument.

Why would I take them to hang out with people they have never been introduced to before? Then she asks why they can’t come down to see me??? They literally don’t have fucking cars and if they did it would take them 6 hours to get here the bus or train is not a straight route. It is more convenient for every to one if I just took the drive which I don’t mind bc my friends wouldn’t mind if I spent the night with them as long as I planned it. I keep telling her this but she acts like it’s not good for them.

Even then, she is constantly saying how if I’m going farther from cities here then someone should always come with me. She literally knows how much I don’t like socializing and enjoy being on my own when possible. One time over the summer last year, I drove an hour and a half somewhere and I told her the night before she went to bed so she couldn’t yell at me more if I told her prior. I left at 4am. When I told her about it that night (9pm) she flipped and long story short said “fine if you want to be grown then go be grown” while hollering at me while I’m literally crying. Then said I was naive because I didn’t know or remember my friend’s last names and “I don’t know these people” and that she doesn’t know them either. (I went to fucking college with the girl) You’d think I’d be used to all the hollering because I grew up like this. Now it just happens periodically and instead I am now more annoyed by things than upset. The last time she made me cry was 3 weeks ago. The crying always starts because she never lets me talk. She gets mad when she is cutting me off and I’m trying to get my point across and keep talking. Then she thinks it’s a good idea to raise her voice when I’m trying to talk then gets mad when I’m upset??? Then I tell her I just want her to leave me alone and she just gets in my face telling me to GTFO out her face and telling me to go to my room.

I just wanted to know if anyone has experienced the same thing. When she’d make me upset I’d just take my car out somewhere even if she was mad. It’s worse too because I feel like I complain for nothing bc there are multiple good times and she financially supports me when I’m not working (I mainly work seasonal jobs when I’m on break from online schools or when possible so I don’t stress myself out). I get more support bc I’m doing well and school on top of traumatic issues plus I cook dinner every day n do stuff since I’m home alone the whole day and basically fucking sleep the whole day. She buys me gifts, gives me money for bullshit and tries to be supportive until it’s about how she treats me and not being around her. Oh also she used to holler at me when I lived on campus my first year bc I didn’t text her 24.7 or when I woke up and tried to call the campus police. That’s another story. I don’t have siblings for her to harass -_-. Just me. I think I just need to start doing it and deal with the hollering and she’ll calm down bc I’ve just done things before then dealt with it later. I just always think she will hit me or threaten to take things from me (even though it is either a fib or I end up getting it back). She used to pinch me when I was younger the last time I remember was at 17. She hasn’t hit me since elementary.

Anyway, Rant done.

Rant:

I want to sleep so badly. It is 6am. Yesterday, I did not sleep until 9:30am. I tried to go to sleep earlier today at 4am (I normally sleep at 5). I just tossed and turned for 40 minutes. I tried playing some boring videos in the background after said 40 minutes. Didn’t work. Getting up and walking around does nothing. I woke up at fucking 4:30pm yesterday.

I used to go to bed at 2:30am to 3:30am then wake up at 12pm or 1pm. The occasional 4am would happen though. Now I wake up at fucking 3:30pm or pushing 5pm. I can’t take it. I literally want to cry. I just want to sleep. I literally ordered melatonin 30 minutes ago on a whim because of this. I tried turning my phone to black and white, turning it off, doing something boring, relaxing my body. I can’t!!! My head hurts! I was supposed to go to the gym too but it also has been disrupting that. Normally, it wouldn’t matter at all and I could still go to the gym but I have a medical issue rn and I can’t drive for another 2-3 months it’s been this way for 3 so far so I have to rely on rides at a certain time or else I can’t go. It doesn’t affect my school work though but everything else it does.

Relaxing my body instead of focusing on sleeping works only sometimes. It helps when I try to think of things I want to do or creative things. It doesn’t help all the time though because it either takes a while or I start getting anxious about a whole bunch of serious baloney. I start making myself scared, anxious and extremely sad when my thoughts wonder on to bad stuff again. I used to cry a lot before bed which stopped recently for now. Even when this doesn’t happen, I just can’t sleep because my body and/or mind just won’t. Don’t get me started on when I do fall asleep I wake up a few times for a few seconds or even minutes before drifting back to sleep. Yesterday was the last time I remember where I finally slept the whole time or didn’t wake up for more than a few seconds. I take a nap at least once a day majority of the week.

I have a primary care appointment this week unrelated to a pap smear (acid reflux and excessive belching). On MyChart it says I am overdue for a Pap smear. However, I have never had one before. It says I should talk to my primary care doctor during this appointment about scheduling one. I was going to avoid it but obviously she will see that I am overdue for one most likely. I hope not but it’s very possible.

I have never had one before. I can’t even put a pinky finger, tampon, or q-tip in without wanting to cry or feel severely uncomfortable. Not pain (besides once but nothing to do with me and I don’t want to get into detail)
but I just cannot stand the feeling of it at all. It feels weird and strange. I can’t deal with the feeling of just flesh. I feel so immature for saying that about my own body but that’s literally the only area I feel this way about. I don’t feel this way about anyone else at all! It is just me, myself and my own parts.

Sexless relationships seem entirely impossible and not realistic at all. I would rather have an irregular sexual relationship or a non sexual one if I were to want to pursue a relationship again. I don’t know if it’s just because of my discomfort and horror or because I actually feel this way. I think it’s a mix of both but mainly the first one. They always end up expecting it or make you do it by making you feel god awful about it. I get pressured into masturbating etc and I have to act that I like it when I don’t. It’s unrealistic unfortunately. I have tried dilators once with at least 4 sizes. I couldn’t bear it. I think a third factor is due to my EXTREME fear of pregnancy. I can abort in my state but it is still an immense fear that fills me with immense fucking fear. Last thing I can thing of is how people treat women with sexual themes. The terminology sounds so aggressive that it makes me feel horrible. Why would I want to do anything with people who act like they did something to me or make a few minutes of something that we both should have consented to into something so violate sounding

Anyway, yea I hope she doesn’t bring it up. I am tired of people telling me they have smaller options. That’d be good advice if I could put anything in???? I always wish I could use tampons. That is the #1 thing. I don’t care about the rest as much as that. I do not care about experiencing PIV even if it’s forever despite being curious. I would just like to have the option to do it even if I rarely do it or if at all just to get over my fear but it is too difficult to deal with the fleshy feeling… It doesn’t make me upset to think about not being able to one bit until I am with someone then they make me feel guilty or make me try it.

I have only one makeup brush by them because it came with my order from a while ago. They are EXTREMELY soft /silky smooth and I love how they apply sm. I wanted to buy their black brushes off of his personal site but it’d be like 50+ shipping. I don’t necessarily want the neon green ones but the neon green kit is semi-cheaper than the black kit.

Does anyone know of any brushes that are super soft and smooth like the MBM ones that are a decent price?

If not I’ll just deal with the strange neon green lol.