I’m exhausted. Angry. Empty. Constantly shifting between feeling too much and nothing at all.

I can’t tell what’s actually me anymore.

Every reaction, every attachment, every fear, every mood swing, I end up wondering if it’s my personality or just another symptom.

Sometimes I feel like I’m just a collection of coping mechanisms held together by routine and distraction.

And the worst part is, I don’t even know what’s left underneath it all.

I feel like I no longer exist.

Someone can react poorly to something I said.

Or disagree with me.

Or only react with an emoji when I wrote something long and thoughtful.

Then I spend the next few hours/days fighting battles with that person in my mind.

I envision countless scenarios where we argue, even physically fight, and I just feel so angry.

I'm deep into development of a big SaaS that I'm launching soon, so I never even bothered experimenting with Opus 4.7 since the backlash I read here.

But it's been a few weeks and I haven't seen as many negative posts lately.

Has it improved?

Is it better than 4.6 now?

I'm talking specifically for coding.

Once your mailboxes are fully warmed up, what’s your approach?

Do you switch entirely to cold emails, or do you keep warm-up running in the background as a percentage of total sends?

Curious what people are doing long-term for deliverability and inbox placement.

I'm especially curious of hearing people who have done both approaches and have data on which approach is better.

Background

I'm a man who's had BPD for 40+ years.

I've only known about it for a month. I didn't even know what BPD was 2 months ago.

BPD explains my entire life. I thought I was just a broken individual.

Unlike most people, for me my BPD has only gotten worse with age. I'm all alone, no friends, no partner for 2 decades, I hate everything and everyone.

And any setback I ever have in life sends me into a flying rage. Anyone who doesn't speak carefully and pleasantly to me sends me into a flying rage. I view everyone as enemies and bad guys.

And I absolutely hate it and want to change this.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is hopefully the start of something new. I will be seeing a psychiatrist to get an official diagnosis, and then plan and start some therapy sessions.

I will go into this with an open mind, as I have a burning desire to get better.

Life is not fun right now, to put it mildly.

But part of me thinks there's equal chance that I will hate the psychiatrists guts after 5 minutes and get up and leave, as well as going through with it and start improving.

Any tips?

I would love to hear some advice, tips, or stories anyone has from seeing a therapist and/or psychiatrist for their BPD, regardless if you improved or not.

Anyone else feel like they're walking around with a permanent decay aura?

Like in the first cinematic of World of Warcraft when a warlock steps foot onto a grass field, and the grass close to him starts to rot away and die.

I feel like having BPD is exactly like that. Anything that comes close to me, people, relationships, jobs, material things, all decay, wither, and eventually die.