u/pluggedandchoked

(Apologies if this is tmi,and apologies again if this is the wrong subreddit)

So today was my 18th.And I was horny.Really,really horny.I was in bed and couldn’t sleep.Mind you I have been 18 for less than 3 hours by this point.Eventually I downloaded Grindr,made an account and found an older dude who looked no younger than 45 who was a five minute walk from me.Yes you read the title correct,I met a random dude,at 3AM in the morning,and sucked him,ate his ass,fingered him,made out with him,fucked him and swallowed his cum.He was reeeaaaallllyyyy attached after lol.

Tl:Dr:

I swallowed cum from a dude in his 40’s,less than 3 hours after turning 18.

I’m desperate,and seriously need help.18M,today’s my birthday,and I have never felt worse.I used to be active in the gym.I trained Muay Thai and I was addicted to weightlifting.But for the last 4-5 months,I fell into depression and my body dysmorphia got worse.I lost muscle,And hid inside because of my disgust.I didn’t leave my house for anything other than class and groceries for over 4 months.Then,I became skinnier.I liked the look.I felt chiseled and slim.So i ate less.And less,and less and less.To the point where if I am not completely drained of glycogen and water in my face,I feel disgusting.I was at 3,200 calories,now I barely break 200.My friends tried feeding me cake and snacks today.I denied.I denied cake on my own birthday.I was yelled at by family.They don’t know what’s wrong with me,and neither do I.I don’t see a point in living unless I’m beautiful,and I hate it so much.My world revolves around my looks.Today’s day 3 of eating practically nothing.I love the way I look,but at what cost? Validation? Attention? Feeling worthy? What have I done to deserve feeling this way? I wish I could eat and not care what I looked like after.