u/petalpeachs

This is going to be a long drug out story, to give a clear view of the situation. Part of me is writing this simply because I have no other outlets. I (24f) grew up in a very toxic household. I was raised by my grandma, abusive drug addict uncle, and my dad, whom is paralyzed from a stroke due to meth, from the time I was 6. I have no other family contacts, no cousins, no aunts, no siblings, no one on my mom’s side. It has always just been me. I’ll skip all of the backstory and just discuss where things currently stand.

I moved out when I was 19 to get away from the abuse and trauma that living there has brought me all of the years, the uncle who lived with us passed away the same year. So my grandma and dad have lived alone in their VERY unsafe trailer by themselves for 5 years. My grandma is now 84, can barely walk, keeps falling, is still the caretaker over my dad, who is very selfish, demanding, and ungrateful, and VERY mean to her. Over the last year, both of their health has declined rapidly. The living conditions of the trailer if anyone saw would absolutely be reported. They both live in filth. The smell walking into the house smells like dying humans. It is so far gone that no amount of cleaning it, could repair that home.

Now this is where I am lost. My dad used to be my bestfriend, over the last year, after he developed sepsis his health plummeted, and with that, so did the personality he always had. It’s to the point where i can’t even speak to him, he doesn’t understand my feelings, but most of the time he won’t even let me speak. When I try to speak, he talks over me, or brushes it off and talks about nonsense. Literally one time i called him sobbing because i had no where to go, and just wanted his comfort, and he didn’t acknowledge it at all and started rambling about ICarly. Fucking ICarly (which is his go to topic when he’s avoiding my emotions, i don’t even like ICarly) The only time he contacts me is to ask for pain pills, to make me feel bad for not hanging around him much anymore, or favors. It’s never asking how i am, or being a listening ear for me. Which kills me, because i have had the worst 2 years of my life. I dealt with alcoholism, i’ve been on the brink of homelessness constantly, because i have no friends, no family, no where to go, and our economy is shit. Which his lack of caring about what’s going on with me, and not even being able to provide a listening ear, kills me. Because i have NO ONE, and have had no one

for YEARS. This has led me to separating myself even more.

Now, I have tried helping them. I’ve begged them to let me clean the place, but my grandma refuses to let me throw away anything, even old mattresses that are covered in feces and roaches. I offered to build a tiny home on their property so i could be close and help more, but my grandma refuses to write a will, so when she dies, the property would just go to the state i believe, due to the amount of debt they’re in. When my dad was in the hospital with sepsis and pretty much unconscious, I had him put into a nursing home, so he could get actual care, and my poor grandma could stop trying to take care of him, which she is literally incapable of doing anymore. (he shits himself and lays in it for weeks at a time), but because i’m not his power of attorney, he signed himself out of the nursing home, and his insurance wouldn’t pay for it anymore anyways.

I do my best when i see them, to clean his sheets, and to attempt to wipe him clean. But I am a 5’0 100ib girl, and my dad is a 6’4 225ib man of complete dead weight. It’s a near impossible task for me to do alone, and i definitely can’t do it efficiently, and even when I do get it all somewhat clean, he shits himself more anyways.

I deal with severe severe depression, most days I can hardly leave my own bed. I was just recently diagnosed with Bipolar. My mental state is complete shambles at all times. Stress overwhelms me to the point i can not function. The sadness, the guilt, the pain from my family situation has killed me, and kept me awake at night, for years. Just knowing that they are going to die in that house, and no one is going to know until i just eventually don’t hear from them and find them there for myself. Which makes me shut down. I become very avoidant and have started to not even answer their calls for weeks at a time. Because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix it or how to help when they won’t let me, or at least work with me a little bit. I can barely function and take care of my own self, But then my dad guilts me and tells me i’m leaving them there to die.

I’ve been wanting to move and actually start my life and get out of this town for years, and I finally have the opportunity to, but doing that means, i do truly leave them here completely helpless, and alone, to die. They have no one else. When i told them I was considering leaving for a good opportunity, my dad just tells me that they’re going to die and I won’t see them again, which, is possibly true, and that guilt, genuinely makes me not want to live. Like i’m defeated. I’m so alone, and i’m so tired of being alone with all of this. Anytime i’ve tried to tell anyone about this, no one really is able to grasp the severity, and how much it affects me. I fight every single day to get up, to feed myself, to brush my hair, yet i have two people, who i love more than my own self, who need extensive help, that I just am not capable of giving.

Any mentally healthy person in my shoes, would have found a solution to this i’m sure, but i’ve just laid down, and given up, because i can’t find the light at the end of this tunnel, and haven’t been able to, for years.

Not only do i feel immense pain about it. I’m angry. I’m so fucking angry. I never had family taking care of me, loving me the way I think family is supposed to love me, and here I am, killing the last shred of my mental state, worrying about how to take care of them.

I didn’t even scratch the surface of details that make all of this make sense, I would truly have to write a book. It goes so much deeper. However, moral of the story, I can’t live with this pain much longer, i’m going to break into a million more pieces and be irreparable, I do not, know what to do.

This is going to be a long drug out story, to give a clear view of the situation. Part of me is writing this simply because I have no other outlets. I (24f) grew up in a very toxic household. I was raised by my grandma, abusive drug addict uncle, and my dad, whom is paralyzed from a stroke due to meth, from the time I was 6. I have no other family contacts, no cousins, no aunts, no siblings, no one on my mom’s side. It has always just been me. I’ll skip all of the backstory and just discuss where things currently stand.

I moved out when I was 19 to get away from the abuse and trauma that living there has brought me all of the years, the uncle who lived with us passed away the same year. So my grandma and dad have lived alone in their VERY unsafe trailer by themselves for 5 years. My grandma is now 84, can barely walk, keeps falling, is still the caretaker over my dad, who is very selfish, demanding, and ungrateful, and VERY mean to her. Over the last year, both of their health has declined rapidly. The living conditions of the trailer if anyone saw would absolutely be reported. They both live in filth. The smell walking into the house smells like dying humans. It is so far gone that no amount of cleaning it, could repair that home.

Now this is where I am lost. My dad used to be my bestfriend, over the last year, after he developed sepsis his health plummeted, and with that, so did the personality he always had. It’s to the point where i can’t even speak to him, he doesn’t understand my feelings, but most of the time he won’t even let me speak. When I try to speak, he talks over me, or brushes it off and talks about nonsense. Literally one time i called him sobbing because i had no where to go, and just wanted his comfort, and he didn’t acknowledge it at all and started rambling about ICarly. Fucking ICarly (which is his go to topic when he’s avoiding my emotions, i don’t even like ICarly) The only time he contacts me is to ask for pain pills, to make me feel bad for not hanging around him much anymore, or favors. It’s never asking how i am, or being a listening ear for me. Which kills me, because i have had the worst 2 years of my life. I dealt with alcoholism, i’ve been on the brink of homelessness constantly, because i have no friends, no family, no where to go, and our economy is shit. Which his lack of caring about what’s going on with me, and not even being able to provide a listening ear, kills me. Because i have NO ONE, and have had no one

for YEARS. This has led me to separating myself even more.

Now, I have tried helping them. I’ve begged them to let me clean the place, but my grandma refuses to let me throw away anything, even old mattresses that are covered in feces and roaches. I offered to build a tiny home on their property so i could be close and help more, but my grandma refuses to write a will, so when she dies, the property would just go to the state i believe, due to the amount of debt they’re in. When my dad was in the hospital with sepsis and pretty much unconscious, I had him put into a nursing home, so he could get actual care, and my poor grandma could stop trying to take care of him, which she is literally incapable of doing anymore. (he shits himself and lays in it for weeks at a time), but because i’m not his power of attorney, he signed himself out of the nursing home, and his insurance wouldn’t pay for it anymore anyways.

I do my best when i see them, to clean his sheets, and to attempt to wipe him clean. But I am a 5’0 100ib girl, and my dad is a 6’4 225ib man of complete dead weight. It’s a near impossible task for me to do alone, and i definitely can’t do it efficiently, and even when I do get it all somewhat clean, he shits himself more anyways.

I deal with severe severe depression, most days I can hardly leave my own bed. I was just recently diagnosed with Bipolar. My mental state is complete shambles at all times. Stress overwhelms me to the point i can not function. The sadness, the guilt, the pain from my family situation has killed me, and kept me awake at night, for years. Just knowing that they are going to die in that house, and no one is going to know until i just eventually don’t hear from them and find them there for myself. Which makes me shut down. I become very avoidant and have started to not even answer their calls for weeks at a time. Because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix it or how to help when they won’t let me, or at least work with me a little bit. I can barely function and take care of my own self, But then my dad guilts me and tells me i’m leaving them there to die.

I’ve been wanting to move and actually start my life and get out of this town for years, and I finally have the opportunity to, but doing that means, i do truly leave them here completely helpless, and alone, to die. They have no one else. When i told them I was considering leaving for a good opportunity, my dad just tells me that they’re going to die and I won’t see them again, which, is possibly true, and that guilt, genuinely makes me not want to live. Like i’m defeated. I’m so alone, and i’m so tired of being alone with all of this. Anytime i’ve tried to tell anyone about this, no one really is able to grasp the severity, and how much it affects me. I fight every single day to get up, to feed myself, to brush my hair, yet i have two people, who i love more than my own self, who need extensive help, that I just am not capable of giving.

Any mentally healthy person in my shoes, would have found a solution to this i’m sure, but i’ve just laid down, and given up, because i can’t find the light at the end of this tunnel, and haven’t been able to, for years.

Not only do i feel immense pain about it. I’m angry. I’m so fucking angry. I never had family taking care of me, loving me the way I think family is supposed to love me, and here I am, killing the last shred of my mental state, worrying about how to take care of them.

I didn’t even scratch the surface of details that make all of this make sense, I would truly have to write a book. It goes so much deeper. However, moral of the story, I can’t live with this pain much longer, i’m going to break into a million more pieces and be irreparable, I do not, know what to do.