forgive the mess ive just had my partner over lol
i never get enough light at my desk and id hate for my head to be right next to my door cos i keep it open for our dogs
living at home for now just want my room to feel like i can fit in it
a guy (21) i went to school with mysteriously passed away back in december, i saw all the facebook posts from his girlfriend (who i was friends with for a bit in school) and family, friends of his whom one of them i worked with in a cafe for awhile, all promoting to raise money for him.
knowing him, and his friends and girlfriend, i donated and later saw a post about his funeral.
i had no reason to attend other than to show support.
i think i ultimately went to see someone else’s trauma in action and i know it sounds and is voyeuristic but i was just wondering if anyone else has done something similar?
it was kind of healing to see people so heartbroken but also talk amongst one another of memories, and ultimately it was just another day.
i guess my trauma falls under a similar umbrella and i can have normal days amongst hiding in fear.
ive been heavily researching the brain and trauma for a long time to try and understand the full aspect in detail rather than perceive the world as unsafe.
i accidentally burnt my stomach with boiling water maybe a month later and now when i make tea, coffee, or fill up my hot water bottle again my stomach stings and i tense up exactly the same when i re experience what i faced at 13/14 years old.
i still live in the same village and ive been going out on my own to face my fears, sat in the park the other evening i was shaking.
its funny that i can now just tell myself im fine and believe it.
im also tempted to try shrooms and heal spiritually, experience nothingness so i can feel happy on the surface, and make the right decisions and feel stronger in myself and the universe i live in.
i have been with my partner for three years now, i cut off my ex boyfriend 4 months prior to our getting together and i often feel as if i needed more time to heal.
ive definitely healed in a relationship aspect a lot more than with myself, i slack in some moments where i get an idea of him in my head and ultimately mistrust him, and feel very defensive. i have made him cry once or twice.
we also met in university and we are part of the same friend group so we basically have been living together this whole time. moving away was hard, hes only 40 mins away from me so no issues, but i wasnt used to being on my own.
now i am and sometimes i feel like its not enough… but thats more so me believing i should cut everyone off, run away and start again.
i love my partner, but hes said once before he doesnt know if im ready for a relationship. i feel as if its just a rock for me to hold myself steady while i heal and i feel bad to describe him that way but in this context its definitely been the case.
i understand its a lot of working together but i dont want this to go to shit just because im uncertain…