u/niva_sun

I work in childcare/education, and we were just given the plan for next year. I was moved to a different team, and this worried me a lot because I'm autistic and physically disabled, so changing teams and working with kids I don't know that well can be really overwhelming. But at least I would be working with my favorite coworker, the same amazing lady that was my mentor when I first started this job 2 years ago. She's great with the kids, and the kind of person who really sees you and can tell if you have a bad day no matter how well you hide it. She's one of the few people who can read me very well, and will ask me if I need a break before I even realize I need one.

Today I went up to her to tell her I was looking forward to working with her again, and she told me that she was also looking forward to it, and that she had requested me for her team because she wanted someone she could trust to stay throughout the year and take initiative. It wasn't random, or because I wasn't needed in my old team, but becaus she had asked for someone who could take more responsibility, and they picked me.

I know I'm good at my job, but I do have some limits due to my disabilities. I can't work full time, and I can't always do all the tasks that the job requires, which means I'll often have to ask coworkers to switch tasks. I also use mobility aids, which comes with it's own problems when you work with kids. I try really hard to compensate by stepping up and taking initiative to do the things that my coworkers don't like doing (like arts and crafts, or stepping in to help certain kids regulate before they get too restless). But I still worry that my coworkers feel like I don't contribute enough. So it really meant a lot to hear that someone asked for me because they think I do a good job, and that I'm reliable. It made my whole week, and I'm starting to think I can actually manage this transition.

I've been hyper focusing on reddit all afternoon, and it got to the point where I practically started leaving my body. I existed only in typing words and the content of the thoughts I was sharing, and then suddenly I stared feeling really foggy and I became aware of the fact that I exist and have a body that I have to take care of. I feel almost high, like I'm on speed (I think, but I've never been it unless you count my prescribed meds). I tried to remember how to make food and it's like every small task is a puzzle I have to solve because I've completely forgotten how to human. I would have been scared if it wasn't also so fascinating and funny. Please tell me you relate and that I'm not developing psychosis lol. I think I've experienced this before, but I can't remember that well right now.

Pretty big trigger warning about COCSA.

Edit: if you think I should not be able to claim the word trauma, I also want to hear your opinion. You don't have to explain if that feels overwhelming, just letting me know I shouldn't say it is enough.

I recently had a conversation with my gf ater I used the word "trigger" about a topic that's very hard for me to deal with, and she said I shouldn't use that word because I wasn't a victim. There was more to the conversation than that, and she made some pretty good points, but that's the short version.

(My love, if yous see this, please scroll past it.)

When I was around 11 i was the perpetrator of cocsa. I knew what I did was wrong, even though I didn't fully understand what I did or why it was wrong. I didn't know what sex was, or anything like that. But I still take responsibility for what I did, and if any of the victims ever bring it up I'll take full responsibility. I have decided to not bring it up first because there's a chance that they don't remember or aren't affected by it, so if I did bring it up it would just be to make myself feel better about it.

I completely forgot about it after I did it, until I suddenly remembered a few years later, and ever since then I've had a really hard time with it. It's been the source of tendencies to P-OCD, debilitating shame, and a lot of self hatred. I've only ever told my mom, my gf, my doctor and one psychologist. I can't say I was traumatized by the action itself. I think I felt pretty gross afterwards, but then I went straight to not remembering it for a while. But when I was 13 or 14 I saw a movie that had a depiction of CSA, and it made me remember everything. I felt so terrible, gross, disgusting, like everything about me was dirty. And I carried that feeling alone for a really long time. It wasn't just shame from what I did, it was a deep feeling of disgust and debilitating anxiety. It took me over a decade to get to the point where I could even start to move past it.

My gf helped me a lot with understanding and processing the shame. She helped me understand that the only way to move on was to hold myself accountable and accnowledge how I felt about it. Usually when I think about it now, I can acknowledge it and let it go. I feel some shame, but in a healthy way. But the whole topic of CSA can still cause a certain reaction. It can basically kinda take me back to that time when I was 13 and learned about CSA for the first time and realized that I had done it to someone. And when that happens it's not really about the shame, it's more about feeling extremely disgusted and disgusting. I'll can get a full on meltdown, feel extremely anxious, cry, hit myself, hyperventilate and vomit. I don't always think that much about what I did or the shame, but I can still have the physical reaction. That's what I meant by triggering. That, or the feeling of being mentally gone and groggy and only feeling disgusted as I go on with my day, if it happens when I'm in public or around other people. It can also "trigger" (in lack of a better word) my OCD tendencies that I for the most part have under control.

But she might be right. I was never a victim, and saying you're traumatized by SA or CSA does make it sound like I was a victim. But I wasn't. But what else can I call this?