u/motionf0rw4rd

I’m a 22 year old male, been out of school since December, so I’ve been at my hometown trying to date for the past 5 months. However, the dating apps have proven to be poop.

Even when I had a game plan to get results, it still flopped. I’m moving to a new city for grad school next month so I’ve already written off my hometown.

Essentially, I’ve recreated account and fresh started a couple times, to the point where I’ve ended up swiping on the same 600 or so girls over the span of 3 months. All I got back was 15 matches, and none of them were from repeated likes. I thought being selective would be a better signal, but I’ve come to terms that there’s something wrong with me.

I do have hobbies, am physically built more than people try to brag, music, martial arts, early business career path, etc. but none of that success is translating to dating success. The matches I did get were either not that interested in me or I wasn’t very excited about them. Besides having post inflammatory hyperpigmentation, I’m visually a guy with a great physique and presence.

I’m a selective guy, and in real life, I have been working to set up a date with one girl I met at the gym. But it’s been a week since we saw each other and chatted and I fear I’m losing momentum with her.

My hometown pool on the apps id say is not very dense. I’d search 50 miles for women 20-26. You have the girls either downtown, or in the next college town over, next few counties, or across the border up north in another state.

I do think I poisoned the well in my hometown and that there’s no reason to bother dating there especially online, as I’ve already liked these chicks 3-5 times with no results. The ones who are clearly attractive and list LTR as their goals are the most competitive to get after and I suspect they’re only filtering for men online who are older and can instantly prove they’re uber attractive and providers and such. I understand that, to them, a great guy of the same age is nothing but a peer, even with the great qualities I have, so they have luxury to pick out the best obvious option. It is what it is. I consider my hometown a lost cause.

Enough context, back to the question. Some of these I already tested or at least have an idea of, but need second opinion on what actually works.

Do comments even matter? If I’m attractive enough, will liking while saying nothing work? I’ve always sent thoughtful comments that are short enough, but as the failure kept going, I’ve stopped doing so. Is a 22 yo guy wanting LTR seen as desperate or should I bite the bullet? What first photo actually stops the scroll? What are the 6 photos women my age like the most? What should my 6 photos have?Should I X and Block girls who clearly are too attractive and be more fair to girls I’m not attracted to? Blocking I heard helps prevent them from X’ing me and pushing me down the algorithm. What type of guy are women my age even looking for? Does her profile content even matter? What type of profile do women respond to most; ultra attractive guy with selfies and nothing else thought out, somewhat attractive guy with prompts and stuff crafted short but precise, older men with clear signs of scarce resources and wealth, or men who lean hard into fun energy and potential hookup? What prompts exactly can increase match rate rather than just conserve it?

I know this is long but Im tired of losing online and need to know all to do so I can have an actual reason to bother dating when I do move to my new city.

Before I begin the rant. I did want to say I’ve mentally recovered from the past rant I had. It’s a lot more loaded than this one will be. I will attach and cross post it for reference, but I do not wish to get into that and will ignore any comment about it.

Anyways

I believe some women that say “yearn” for them is a trap. This is not from a place of hate, but this is a pattern that I keep seeing.

Most of us guys hear that and interpret it as essentially a shit test to see how fast we fold. You respect a man more if his time and energy is earned, not just given. Don’t tell me you’re attracted to a guy who puts you on a pedestal when you know full well you overlook him and seek attention from other guys who don’t for that very reason. I just think this yearn/simp stuff is to weed guys out subconsciously while living in delululand.

If we’re actually dating, I’ll show you my ways that I desire you and actually care, but I’m not gonna be blowing up your phone nor foregoing every single second of my time all damn day. You want a Jason Mamoa looking guy who acts like a real life Michael Jackson lyric from the jump.

You know full well if a decent guy started talking crazy about “the only one I want is you” etc you’d lose attractive fast. That’s just fucking weird. No, I don’t need to hear about “oh I’ll allow it” that’s even worse and more telling of how you think. You’re okay with it but deep down you lose respect for the guy

I understand if we’re both seeking a relationship, we both want to get to that point but it takes time and multiple interactions to get there. Treating you like a celebrity from the first impression simply makes me a fan who you don’t care about. You need to stop acting like every guy has to act like husband on day one, that’s not how it works, it’s why you keep passing up every decent guy for the smallest things. That’s not a relationship, that’s validation seeking.

Stop it. The fantasy stuff needs to stop because we know that being a sucker from the jump instantly loses attraction.

If you’re gonna disagree with me, at least you’ll know where I’m coming from

I am just going to leave this out here. I am not asking for advice, i dont care about any dissenting opinions, and i dont care about whatever you want to label me. You can either read this post in full and walk away with some insight or skim it and call me a woman hater. I will not be reading any comments, because chances are i'll be answering whatever belief you may already be forming about me.

Whoever reads this, whether you're man or woman, sexually frustrated or satisfied, teenager, college adult, 30s, 40s, 50s and up, or this may not even matter to you, just appreciate that some guy can articulate it in this way. Nothing of what I am about to say is from a place of hate or rhetoric. I do not consider myself redpill or manosphere at all. All of this is observation and awareness of what i see going on. Some of you will not like the way i text about this, because it is very logical and direct. i sporadically text out of chronological order, so if you see context later rather than earlier, or sudden uneven info dumps or omissions, thats why. Because of the nature of this post, it will be the last time I mention anything related to dating at this magnitude.

So Im a 5'10" athletic 22yo non-white guy. if you saw me, youd consider me well above average. i have real hobbies, went to a highly respected and well known school, have an early career path. People in my circle know me and respect me. but of course, when you're a young man, you have hormones, and when you're the type like me especially who exerts a lot of energy into grinding, hard work, and such, you crave a emotional, especially sexually outlet. sadly, porn has been a prevalent part of my night activities. and while i try to keep the content tame and am nowhere near the worst cases of goon-ery, i consume it more often than i like to.

Because of my lifestyle, ive been in a weird 6-month limbo of actually enjoying being at home. I do have more freedom at home than the structure of school which kept me busy and have been able to enjoy some things, especially working out the gym with the older guys ive grown to be friends with at this point. I dont want to lose that by suddenly becoming the guy that hits on women there, especially one of the trainers there.

cold approaching is just exhausting to think about as an introvert. i process everything, so id rather not have to be thinking 500 women rejected me. but literally the exact thing happens online, (statistically too, yes, i've recorded stats) and it feels worse because you know you're a catch. but some random dude 5, 10, 20 years older than you with more resources and ability to appeal to shallow attraction sooner, beats you online somehow. we can even take it to the other 22 yo who doesnt even do half of what you do for a living, and yet has success. That mismatch is destroying how i view my sexual desirability.

I do not believe in taking a therapist. the way most guys like to process problems is by solving them, rather than talking them away. to be blunt, to some of us, a therapist is just spending money to talk to a wall. its a waste of time if they wont actually do anything for you or if their primary job is to spoon-feed you while you stay the same. thats how some of us interpret therapists anyway. ill trust a skin doctor, ill trust a barber, ill trust a fashion designer, ill trust a coach that specializes in that field he practices, but not a generic tell-me-everything-while-i-write-shit-down individual. i would rather put myself in the presence of someone who i know can actually fix my problems because their speciality is in the things i want to fix. in a short way, yes, i interpret talking about problems as weakness and unattractive, and ironically this post is my own vulnerability. read proverbs 4:23. i find resolving my problems with action more fulfilling that complaining about them. which is why i sense people hate guys like us, because it is unattractive and you couldve just shut up and done something about it. not everyone can break it down like this though, which im starting to believe is the true purpose of this post.

I put a lot of effort into my dating profiles over the course of these 3 months. first 34 days were 200 likes with 0 matches. then i got 8 matches on the free subscription for the next 2 weeks. then i got more photos which got me 5 matches. one of the dating coaches identified that my recent photos were looking more posed, and that the one of me at lunch smiling was the best because it looks the most genuine. I wont dive into everything about my profile but know that i essentially drove and walked up and down my county at the usual spots. the rooftop angles, the patio, main street, unique outdoor parks. My support photos also included my unique qualities of martial arts and my alma mater. the dating coach said that my prompts were actually incredible in terms of speaking who i am and what im like, but my photos were posed and such. at the end of our talk, they suggested that going through their program would require thousands of dollars to pay them. ive seen the results and testimonials, and they're incredible. but i have nowhere near the means to comfortably take that financial burden. i know that my profile is just so close to breaking through, but not quite there because of the small mistakes that are costing me the ideal women that i want. this stuff sounds like a promising dream, but considering the heavy cost that it is asking of me, it feels evil.

I take my faith seriously, and think a lot about how any of this will even work out. I am well aware that a large majority of people meet each other online. I am also well aware of the hypergamy dynamic and how men have to exert more effort to display leveraging points to...manipulate women into finding these men as the most desirable to swipe on. Yes, manipulate, because after a long talk with God, paying for unconventional methods to win online is manipulation. Because the fact is, as honest as i can display myself online, it is not enough to win a woman my age online who would realistically be fine talking to me in real life. If i had the financial means to get into the program that has proven to drastically improve dating results, i wouldn't be making this post, nor would i have bragged about possibility doing it in some past comments. I strongly hold that hypergamy is a real thing, and the power of displaying desirability and leverage in a way that can attract women in the first 5 seconds, and then the process of filtering them out later, where its in the man's favor instead of the woman's is something that only a top percent of men indeed have the means to do.

That's also the danger. Younger guys like me see how easy it works for these few. How younger women do often flock to the same type of guys who tend to be able to display the points of leverage in an attractive way that is magnetic, dominant, and undeniable. But the fact is most of us dont have the finances, location, looks (not me, i know im not ugly), or overall aesthetics and resources to actually find dating apps worthwhile. This is why most of us have observed widely repeated patterns of women dating older men, because of the resources they tend to have. So while some women go through their own thing, either no genuine guy wants them, no guys to swipe on that they actually find attractive, some of us guys have become notorious for taking it into their own hands.

Take the influencer, Clavicular, for example. Without research, all i can tell you my version of him is that he has no personality, no actual hobbies, no real career ambition, and that he invested his points into being attractive. However, because he hates himself, he literally hits himself to break his bones and does drugs which has made him impotent. Considering the context I've given about me earlier in the post, you can tell that I have an actual life where he seems to lack one. I do not subscribe nor keep up with him, but i know he's the most controversial example because he is 19/20 years old and is often heralded the "King of the Incels" for how he seems to have success with attracting women easier after his looks change, even in the face of the methods he used to do so. I actually follow specific influencers, (not the most known types, not whoever you might be thinking of) who have taken the concepts of business and placed it onto dating in a way that can warp the desirability in their favor instead of having to chase women. I see the dream thats being sold, and want it, but it would honestly kill my financial situation.

I have a dominating presence and stature in real life, something ive been told since high school, and have the smarts and hobbies that would interest most women my age, and am well above average facially, but i've been horrendously unsuccessful online. and with irl, my undegrad cohort was 80% male, so when i do hit grad school maybe things will change when that ratio evens out drastically. but also with cold approaching, a lot of women at the gym and downtown where and when i do go are noticably older than me or simply have hte "basic college girl" look to them, which Im a logical person I feel that i can just tell because i've had those moments before. But even then, cold approaching in general is very exhausting, it actually works better for guys that have nothing to lose. I've been working out at the same gym for 3 years straight, if i start hitting on the female trainers or the few women that go in at the same time as me suddenly, its a risk at my credibility. and i have approached and talked with them, but have never rushed to the "i like you and want to hang out with you later" level.

This is already a long post, so I will get to the point. I dont know whats going to happen next. I am tired of being frustrated, confused, feeling undesired. And am exhausted from the stuff online that teaches people that all young men are misogynistic incels, terrorists, and all other horrible stuff. The media promoting the mockery of male outlets and attacking any guy for wanting to get better. I want to have faith i will find someone some day but it is hard. It is easy to just say "fuck these Hinge girls, none of them are real" when they actually are, and they're getting in relationships with exactly who they desire and I cant regardless of what new photo or prompt i put up. its depressing. I've been at it for 3 years, took an 8 month break, got back this February with a supposed gameplan to finally make it work and still nothing. I supposedly have what most women say they want, but fail to attract them online. Online is a dishonest game you have to play. Shallow checklist-based attraction first, then swipe. If your archetype isnt the exact type for a relevant portion of women, you will not be successful online.

I hope this summer will be better when i actually get to a consistent social cohort once more, this time with more women. i have a fear lingering in my mind that things wont pan out for a very long time. for all the great character, skills, and lessons that my undergrad taught me, being romantically alone and undesired through it hurts. I strongly believe in the idea that a man's sexual value increases with age, and this is majority true despite outliers of both types. Yet I admit that i am terrified that it'll be fulfilled through me. The idea, of me being wanted 5-10 years from now when i had to proverbially ride the bench at 22 while my current female peers get with other men who have and are doing less than half the lifestyle i live, terrifies me. and i bet you this fear is the same with those who believe it too. the "safe option after her crazy past", "wait until 30", whether they admit it or not, i admit im projecting the very thing im scared of.

But it is out of my control, and I pray to God that i stay focused. I talked with my family about this because i was seriously considering the manipulation tactic (i didnt specify it in full, they're not Gen Z, they dont get it) and tried convincing them for me to use their finances to help me finance for this plan. But even all together, it would cripple our financial situation. I have massive ambition and goals, but i also have feelings and desires. and i dont want to be alone for when im building those ambitions. There's no telling when you'll find "the one", i honestly dont believe in "the one", its hard to nowadays. But ideally, i know she's going through her own thing just like i am. im not saying any fantasy scenario or whatever. i just want things to work out. there's no telling what will happen nor where it will, nor how. i dont want to lose faith.

I focus on my hobbies and goals because i genuinely enjoy them. But social media's worked to transform that into an outlet of frustration rather than enjoyment. drawing, martial arts, music, business plans; initially because i wanted to, now being gaslit into outlets for sexual frustration. the questions of "why them but not me?". but the propaganda machine will fail. I am more than that. And yes, we all have different journeys, that doesnt make it hurt less. For now, i've deleted all the apps, including Hinge which still has my 3 month subscription until July. Im tempted to recreate an account so soon, maybe i should when i do move cities but still. It is a very lonely journey, but no one can take my joy from the real things that i have contributed to in real life, the people i love and the great things i have done and have yet to do for my family and community.

This is probably a good place to stop. This may anger a lot of you. I told you i was being straight honest with what i think. This is not motivated by anything beyond that. That's about it. Thank you all.