hello again… MIL bringing up overnights. *CONTENT WARNING*
*CONTENT WARNING: mentions of child SA*
so, i’m going to try to keep this as short as i can. so sorry for the length of the post. i’ve been having issues with my mother in law since my daughter’s birth and i’ve noticed some red flags with her and my father in law. so far it hasn’t mattered, because hubby and i agreed on boundaries that we have and will continue to follow. however, i’m at an odd bridge that i’m not sure how to cross. the 2 things i see as most relevant info here are:
MIL has crossed some boundaries at times and has been restricted in her access to my daughter (LO, 1.5yrs old). to this day, when she sees LO she will use manipulative language “i haven’t seen you in forever/do you remember me/i know i’m such a stranger” when she’s seen LO within the past 2 weeks because we have family hangouts and/or supervised visits on close to a weekly basis. i have told her to stop with these comments. she also over involves herself, and tends to show possessiveness over LO. LO is the only grandchild out of 7 that she doesn’t babysit unsupervised due to past things that have happened but we make sure she still gets plenty of time with her. she gets very jealous when she hears about my mom or family spending time with LO even though it’s actually less often than she gets, AND it’s also usually supervised.
FIL has also crossed boundaries and has even further restricted access. due to an issue where he exposed my husband to sexual content as a child and used to walk in on him showering, FIL is never alone with LO. now, it’s supposedly in the past (but i don’t care!!) and MIL most likely does NOT know that this happened. but there are things such as him and MIL bathing some of the other grandkids together (so cousins aged 2-4 naked in the bath together) while the entire family is present, and letting them run out in front of all of us naked after bath, which makes me uncomfortable.
the problem at hand: my husband and i are going on a trip for the first time since before we had LO and my mother is watching her. MIL found out about the trip and is now telling my husband “i need to have her over for a sleepover” which is not happening for a few reasons, but mainly due to FIL’s history. it also pisses me off that because my mom is getting a “sleepover” MIL feels entitled to one because she gets jealous and thinks it’s unfair for my mom to get more access than her. this is also hilarious because my mom sees LO around once a month which is way less often than F&MIL see her. i have no problem with saying no to this request, but i know when she continues to press this she’s going to ask us why. we don’t know what to do because we’re pretty sure she has no idea about FIL’s past issues and i don’t feel that it’s my place to open that 10 year old can of worms. how do we go about telling her no? should we just refuse to explain even if she presses? do we use her behavior as the reason and exclude the issue of the FIL? outside of her boundary issues, she alone hasn’t really done anything that’s worth not allowing an overnight in my opinion. but we won’t allow it because we have no way of knowing if LO will be left alone with FIL. although, her demanding comment that she “needs” LO for a night is honestly just driving me even further into the “hell no” response when she mentions it.