u/livingagoodlyfe

Please bare with me.. I feel like I have a few autistic traits. I had a lot of trouble with friends/friendship and teasing/bullying growing up. Some things that stick out to me was I:

- In 2nd grade, was confused on how to tell if someone was my friend, and wished I could sign a "friendship contract" in order to confirm whether or not someone was my friend.

- In 2nd-3rd grade, I would sometimes walk outside with t-rex arms. I think I was pretending to be a catgirl/horse. Did this until my mom's acquaintance told me my arms would get stuck that way if I kept doing it.

- In 4th grade, was fascinated with how my one friend would just "talk to people", and asked her for lessons on communication. (She just said idk, I just do it)

- Used to take really big steps in class because it was more efficent and I was worried about people looking at me.. Stopped when my friend asked me why I walked so fast.

- Used to sit outside, behind a bench, alone for lunch because I was scared of people looking at me. (why did no teacher intervene???)

- Was/am a "picky eater", as in I only ate things I craved, and have been underweight for most of my life and have a hard time noticing when I'm hungry.

- Was constantly asked why I'm so quiet/if I'm okay when I was just content listening to the conservation/zoning out. FINALLY learned how to engage enough to stop these comments.

- Had multiple phases where I was obsessed with something, but later dropped it. IE: research for hours about drug addiction, or rewatch kpop mv's for hours at a time.

- Sometimes do things that are unintentionally funny. For example, I was clothes shopping and just put the money down on the counter before he said the total because I calculated it. The worker thought this was super funny. Or asking a security guard for a "fake badge" (it was actually a paper badge), which he seemed very amused by. This may be anxiety/the pandemic ..idk..

But I feel like I also have trauma from growing up black and "ugly" (mainly due to not knowing how to take care of my hair), being super poor, having a single mom, moving schools constantly, etc.. It's hard for me to know honestly what's normal, shy girl/anxious behavior and what isn't. My only friends I seem to make now too are usually neurodivergent OR suspect they are.. What do ya'll think?

I'm a virgin and want to one day have sex,, but I just can't get over the barrier to actually find/date someone because I feel like I'm too ugly.

I'm skinny, and don't have that sterotypical curvy, sexy, Kim K body. Logically, I know people of all looks, shapes and sizes can have sex.. but since the age of 9 I've always had this idea that I'm unworthy of romantic love, a relationship, and sex because I'm too ugly.

I've definitely been bullied in the past for my looks, but honestly nowadays I usually get compliments. I don't have a bunch of guys hitting on me, though. I feel like my childhood experiences, plus social media, lookism, blackpill/reddit threads, asking people to rate me.. have really destroyed my self image and I have a very unhealthy relationship with my own body. I feel like if I'm not a 10/10, I'm doomed.

How do I begin to break free from this conditioning and finally be able to go out and live life?

I had a pretty difficult upbringing. Poverty, single mom, short-term homelessness, moving, bullying, covid-19, ~5 years of social isolation, and tbh verbal abuse from family. I'm now finally at a place where things are becoming more "stable" in my life, but I feel so confused in which direction to go through since I didn't/don't have any guidance or role-models in my life.

I feel like I don't really have a clear idea on how the world works since everything's been viewed through the lens of trauma or the internet.

I 100% thought people would bully me for my looks and would be extremely racist towards me.. But honestly at my job people treat me kindly, even when I look like shit. I also notice that people who would be considered "unattractive" online, often have friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, children, successful careers, or were popular at school.. This goes for both men and women.

I have a friend whose extremely into plastic surgery and looksmaxxing. She says it's improved her life, and while she's beautiful(insta vibes).. she seems really depressed, isn't dating, doesn't seem to have ever been in a healthy relationships, and barely has any friends. While my other friend, whoses pretty, but also secure in herself and isn't a looksmaxxer in the slightest - has a vast social network, a loving boyfriend, and says she loves her life.

On one hand I really want to get plastic surgery and looksmaxx. I feel like it'd help my social success, and potentionally help me making money if I could do something like sexwork..

But also I'm beginning to realize sexwork may not be my only option (in terms of my specific finanacial goals) and in the real world most people seem actually kind? I know everyone talks about pretty privillege, but I don't notice any particularly special treatment whether or not I'm dressed up.

I think the main benefit is in enterainment/social media spaces.. but in that case the goal would be to craft a specific look for a market, not just surgery for the hell of it. I just feel like it's expensive, painful, and ulimately I don't know if it'd lead to true happiness or fullfillment in me. What if one day I have a daughter, and she thinks she has to get surgery cuz I did? Am I crazy for thinking this way, or is plastic surgery/looksmaxxing really not the answer people online make it out to be?