u/kerghan41

My dad was in the hospital unexpectedly last week. He's ok and is out and recovering but I thought it would be a fun Father's Day gift to have Robert Picardo saying 'Thanks for visiting Sick Bay, don't hesitate to come back again!"

I was only able to write 250 characters in the Cameo request but man Robert Picardo knocked it out of the park. I was surprised as I bought it at 5:30 AM CST and within a few hours he had returned a video. Turned out he was on vacation in Portugal so they were a good 7 hours ahead.

His video was great. Very 'Doctor like' and then he broke character and spoke like himself.

If anything the whole experience made me love Voyager even more. He's a class act and well worth the expense.

I'll start this with saying I am NOT depressed, at all. No thoughts of self harm or anything like that. In fact I have always been this way. I turn 40 in a few months and looking back... I have always felt this way about most things.

I'll start by saying I have ASD1 diagnosis I got a few years back. It did help make some things make sense but others still remain a mystery to me.

When I say apathy I mean passion of any kind ranging from socializing, romance, sex, hobbies, interests, desires, emotions, religion, travel, yard care, home decor, etc. I can go on and on.

Socializing, romance, and even sex are all intriguing. Looking back at my failed marriage and other relationships all fell apart on me and a common complaint was that it seemed like I didn't want them there, that I didn't need them there with me. And honestly, looking at it critically... no I didn't need them. I don't understand how someone can need someone else. Anything I need... I just do.

Intimacy and sex was also extremely foreign to me. I dated my exwife from 18-22 and it took 4 years for us to have sex and that was at her insistence. I didn't really care one way or the other. I just liked having someone to spend time with. But, she wanted sex and so to keep the relationship alive I performed.

I had thought that maybe I felt this way because we were incompatible and that it would be different with other women. It was not though. I didn't understand romance, intimacy, or even the act of sex itself. I had to be drunk, I had to count prime numbers in my head to disassociate, and it was all very mechanical. I identify as Ace/Asexual now.

When those relationships ended it was more of an... ok. I remember my exgirlfriend broke up with me in winter of 24. I drove over with her stuff in my truck, helped unload it into her garage. I think she wanted something else, but I didn't know what. She was crying and emotional, saying she wished we would have been friends instead. I stood in the doorway for a time while she cried. All I knew to say was "I'm sorry" and then I left.

That's enough about relationships. I have that 'lack of passion' across everything. People will have perfect yards in my neighborhood. All green, no weeds, etc. I keep mine cut by paying a teenager to do it for me but other than that there are bare spots, weeds, etc. I don't understand the point of trying to make it look like the perfect lawn. Why? What does it matter? To whom is it benefiting?

The interior of my house is... interesting. The 'guts' of the house are all new and in great condition: Furnace, Water Heater, Air Conditioner, Sump Pump, doors, windows, etc. However, the kitchen counters are half one color half another. Some of the walls are painted, but paint is on the popcorn ceiling because I didn't care enough to tape them. I painted the entire front door including the plate. Again, I didn't care. Some of the cabinets are painted in the kitchen, some are not. Half the lightbulbs are out and the ones that do work are all different sizes/shapes. The curtains are installed backwards, but I don't care enough to fix it. The fire alarms aren't on the ceiling because I couldn't figure it out so they are scattered around the house on top of furniture. (Still plenty of space for them to detect smoke) The walls are mostly bare except for my kids drawings which I tape throughout the hallways and my room. I want to make sure the house is safe and that everything WORKS but other than that... I just don't care.

Religion has always been a puzzle to me too. I don't understand how people can believe it and I don't understand the pull towards it. I'm agnostic but I only say that as it is a label I can use. I don't care about religion, afterlife, concept of hell, or any of that. Never read the bible or other religious texts. I just don't care about it.

I work a lot and the hobbies I do have I have spurts of intensity where I go hard on it and focus for months or a year or two... but then it peters out and I slowly move onto something else trying to chase that spark.

I do care about my kids deeply, and also work, financial security, and the overall condition of my home... but other than that? I just don't have any interest in it. Sometimes I'll try and socialize and may even find someone I get along with but after some time I find I just stop caring... and I feel bad because I'm NOT trying to do this, it just kind of happens. I don't know why it happens so then I try to feign caring in hopes that it will come back organically... and it does not.

The friendship and or relationship dies and I'm alone again until the solitude gets to be too much and I start the process over again.

When I say passion I mean passion of any kind ranging from socializing, romance, sex, hobbies, interests, desires, emotions, travel, yard care, home decor, etc. I can go on and on. Maybe the right word is apathy. Just a general apathy towards a lot of things and not really knowing or WANTING to change it.

I have always been this way and I will say right away that I am not depressed. I'm just... me. If anything depression is another thing where I can emphasize with others who have it but I'll never really understand it. I have my rigid status quo. I don't get angry, sad, mad, etc. I'm just here.

Socializing, romance, and even sex are all interesting. I turn 40 in a few months and looking back at my failed marriage and other relationships fell apart a common complaint was that it seemed like I didn't want them there, that I didn't need them there with me. And honestly, looking at it critically... no I didn't need them. I don't understand how someone can need someone else. Anything I need... I just do.

Intimacy and sex was also extremely foreign to me. I dated my exwife from 18-22 and it took 4 years for us to have sex and that was at her insistence. I didn't really care one way or the other. I just liked having someone to spend time with. But, she wanted sex and so to keep the relationship alive I performed.

I had thought that maybe I felt this way because we were incompatible and that it would be different with other women. It was not though. I didn't understand romance, intimacy, or even the act of sex itself. I had to be drunk, I had to count prime numbers in my head to disassociate, and it was all very mechanical. I identify as Ace/Asexual now.

When those relationships ended it was more of an... ok. I remember my exgirlfriend broke up with me in winter of 24. I drove over with her stuff in my truck, helped unload it into her garage. I think she wanted something else, but I didn't know what. She was crying and emotional, saying she wished we would have been friends instead. I stood in the doorway for a time while she cried and talked. All I knew to say was "I'm sorry" and then I left.

That's enough about relationships. I have that 'lack of passion' across everything. People will have perfect yards in my neighborhood. All green, no weeds, etc. I keep mine cut by paying a teenager to do it for me but other than that there are bare spots, weeds, etc. I don't understand the point of trying to make it look like the perfect lawn. Why? What does it matter? To whom is it benefiting?

The interior of my house is... interesting. The 'guts' of the house are all new and in great condition: Furnace, Water Heater, Air Conditioner, Sump Pump, doors, windows, etc. However, the kitchen counters are half one color half another. Some of the walls are painted, but pain is on the popcorn ceiling because I didn't care enough to tape them. I painted the entire front door including the plate. Again, I didn't care. Some of the cabinets are painted in the kitchen, some are not. Half the lightbulbs are out and the ones that do work are all different sizes. The curtains are installed backwards, but I don't care enough to fix it. The fire alarms aren't on the ceiling because I couldn't figure it out so they are scattered around the house on top of furniture. The walls are mostly bare except for my kids drawings which I tape throughout the hallways and my room. I want to make sure the house is safe and that everything WORKS but other than that... I just don't care.

I work a lot and the hobbies I do have I have spurts of intensity where I go hard on it and focus for months or a year or two... but then it peters out and I slowly move onto something else trying to chase that spark.

I do care about my kids deeply, and also work, financial security, and the overall condition of my home... but other than that? I just don't have any interest in it. Sometimes I'll try and socialize and may even find someone I get along with but after some time I find I just stop caring... and I feel bad because I'm NOT trying to do this, it just kind of happens. I don't know why it happens so then I try to feign caring in hopes that it will come back organically... and it does not.

The friendship and or relationship dies and I'm alone again until the solitude gets to be too much and I start the process over again.

I married the first women to ever show interest in me. We started dating at 18 and married at 22. Fast forward and a divorce at 35. I tried a few relationships afterwards but now as I approach 40 this August I have had a lot of time to reflect.

I was diagnosed 4 years ago at 36. It made a lot of things make sense. My first relationship after divorce I masked... heavily. I wanted to be the 'normal' guy so I lifted weights like crazy and increased my testosterone as I knew women I was dating would want sex.

I now know that I am Ace/Asexual but back then I'd lift weights for 2-3 hours a day and drink when I was with them to push past any objections in my mind and finish the task.

Obviously, this didn't last. It just created the scenario for short flings but nothing permanent.

I then tried dating women who identified as autistic. I say identified because the women I had a relationship with for 8 months was NOT diagnosed but said she was autistic.

I started the relationship saying I was Ace. She said she was hypersexual. After meeting a few times I ended up sacrificing and agreed to sex. Of course, it was marginal at best because I didn't want to in the first place but I was so desperate to keep someone in my life that I did it anyways. It was so rare... to have anyone interested in me that nothing else mattered. I had to preserve it at all costs.

I remember at one time where she was pushing for sex. I got so overwhelmed I left the room telling her I had to go on a bike ride and just left on my bike for 2 hours. Didn't even take my phone with me. I just had to get out of there.

But of course, I came back after collecting myself... drank some more and pushed through towards sex.

I also noticed that this complete exertion of myself into a relationship would result in me burning out and needing space... which would resulting me withdrawing for days at a time. This would only compound the relationship problems.

Obviously, this relationship fell apart too. Even after giving it 100% of my effort she said I 'wasn't connecting' with her. Whatever the hell that means. I was pushing myself to exhaustion. I even broke my back lending her my truck and my back for moving her from one house to the other and afterwards... told I'm not connecting with her.

This was nearly 2 years ago. I don't put myself on any dating apps or anything anymore. While the idea of finding someone to spend time with and talk to still sounds nice... I just don't think it is in the cards for me.

My life is so fine tuned. Everything is on a set routine a set schedule and everything has an allotted time slot. I get up every day at 4:30. I walk the dog 3 times a day for the exact same distance and route. I have the same breakfast and exactly 3 cups of coffee with the exact same flavor of coffee creamer.

No deviations are accepted. I work until 4. I walk the dog from 4-5. I ride my bike from 5-6. I play fetch with the dog from 6 to 6:30. From 6:30-8:30 I play some video games or watch Star Trek. 8:30-9:00 I read for a bit then sleep. The process repeats.

There seems to be no room for a relationship and even if I did find a way to accommodate a relationship they would get upset at me for not 'connecting' with them. Even though I change my routine for them. I change and adapt things for them but am told it is not enough and that I am selfish. I am bending and contorting myself to the point of having panic attacks but am still told it is not enough.

In another 10 years if I still have no one in my life I think I'll see if I can pay someone to have dinner with me once or twice a month so I have someone to talk to.

I work remote and have to be online early as I work with a lot of folks in Europe even though I'm central time zone based. So, that means I'll check for any updates from colleagues overnight and if there are none I'll hop on DayZ for an hour or so in those early morning hours, usually 4-6 AM.

Now while this is a full server I hardly ever see ANYONE at this time. Have come across plenty of stashes and bases but rarely anyone online. To clarify, when I say full server I mean full at peak hours, It is mostly empty at this time of day

This morning I was starting out again, freshie in Berezino. Filled up on the well, checked police station and then moved a few houses further north and planted some tomatoes.

I logged out, did some work, and logged back in 45 minutes later. I had logged out in a shed. It was dark out but I could see the tomatoes were ready. I go over there and start harvesting them.

As I am doing this the house RIGHT next to my farming plot starts emitting a flickering light through the windows. I sat there for a second confused. How had I not heard ANYTHING? I stayed still and watched and it was definitely a fire.

Without a second thought I opened the door, ran in, and shot him with my 357 revolver. He had enough to time to say 'No no no no!' Felt bad. I assume he is like me and did not expect to run across ANY players during these early hours.

Oh well, got some decent stuff off him for a freshie and I moved onwards.

Logged out in the far stall of a bathroom in a barracks. One of the more remote barracks. I log in and immediately hear the sounds of another player. I start to look around wondering where he is and I am practically standing on him. Spawned right next to each other.

I move out to the far wall, only a few feet, and start firing. He does the same. I get a good 10 shots off or so from my Rak but ended up dying. I have no idea if he died too but man that was crazy.

There was that awkward moment where we both kind of stared at each other for a second before we started firing.

I am a very typical Aspergers man. I excelled in data analysis, software development, etc. I'm at the point where I work remote and review data, strategy, etc each week.

My daughters, who are 14 and 12, are definitely neurodivergent. But, they are not like me when it comes to deep diving analysis. My oldest is very creative and said she wants to be a tattoo artist. She has already written her first novel at 14. My middle is 12 and she is VERY good at her flute and did a solo performance the other day of a classic 80s song with just her flute!

I admire their skillset. I've never been able to play an instrument let alone understand music.

My oldest is 4 years away from graduating high school and I worry how to advise her career wise. She struggles in heavy social interactions. She's never been able to do a sleepover and is usually only able to hang out with friends for a few hours before she needs to leave and retreat to her room. She could spend hours drawing or writing though.

My middle is a bit more scientific and I may encourage her towards IT, like myself... but she's only 12 so that may change. She didn't have any real friends until 5th grade. Before that she was the outsider. I am SO happy that she found a few friends that she can relate to now.

My son, who is nearly 8, is JUST like me and I don't worry about him as much.

I worry about my daughters. I've done everything I can to take care of them and I don't know how to guide them in the real world. My son is familiar territory as I'll guide him towards my path... albeit different depending on his interests.

I have a 14 year old, 12 year old, and an almost 8 year old. 4 years is NOT a long time until she has graduated high school.

I had a VERY unique career path due to how my brain is wired. This led me to take a non-traditional path of not doing college and still being a senior executive today.

No one in my family siblings, parents, etc did college. Each person has built a great career and life without a pile of debt behind them. My family has always been very cautious of debt. Since I had no debt at 22 I was able to buy my first house in 2009 with 3% down. (Rural Development Loan.)

My oldest has expressed desire to be a tattoo artist, a writer, etc. She has already written her first novel. So... I look at college as a path for her but I am also very hesitant due to the expense and the debt that would occur. (To be clear, I am NOT against college. If we lived in Europe I'd definitely advise them to go.)

I try and teach her it is all about what you want out of life. Do you want to live in a bigger city and have a stronger career? Or, do you want a slower paced life in a medium to small town? If so, you can make a decent career, buy a home, and not have the pressures of super expensive areas but your career might not be as glamorous.

I want the best for my kids and want to guide them the best that I can.

EDIT My brother and I are autistic. My dad is very conservative and doesn't believe in mental health... but I'd bet he's on the spectrum somewhere.

My dad had temper tantrums. He was never physically abusive but things would set him off and he'd be stomping around the house, swearing, breaking small things, etc. It got to the point where we could sense one of these episodes was coming and my brother and I would hide in our room.

Or we'd all be in the kitchen or living room and something was agitating him. We gained a sense for when it was coming and we'd quietly leave the room. I'll reiterate again, he was never physically abusive or anything... in fact my mom would make fun of his tantrums after he had calmed down. (She'd pretend to drop something or fumble with something and then comically throw it to the ground and do a fake swear.) He took the jesting just fine... so I just don't know.

I'm 40 years old now and see my parents a few times a month. Today I can still sense when one of these are coming but they are much lessened now. Don't know if its his old age, more control, or its just me being grown but I'm not as frightened anymore. Although that scared child is still there in the back of my mind. I'm also wondering if its because of the grandkids. I don't think he's ever lost his cool like that with my kids so I do admire his efforts there.

I always swore I'd never do stuff like that when I was a parent. I have three kids. I recall in my 15 years of being a parent I've only lost my cool a couple of times and it was under extreme stress. (One was during the week of my divorce) I can count it on one hand and with each one I've apologized to them and explained what was happening and why I acted X way. My kids don't hide from me... ever. We're all very open with each other and I do not see that fear that I had as a child.

My kids don't hide from me, ever.

I didn't bother with college. I knew I wouldn't be a good fit and I like to do things my own way. I started working retail at 16 and graduated high school early in December to start working full time.

In high school I was a Pharmacy Technician in my small town. During this time I passed the national Pharmacy Technician certification exam at 17. I applied and got accepted at Wal-Mart pharmacy at 18. Did that for a year 18-19. Then applied at Walgreens for Assistant Manager position.

I interviewed with the district manager and bombed it. I was awkward as hell... as would be expected. However, I really saw WalGreens as a step in my career into retail management. So I waited 30 days for my application to expire... and I applied again.

District manager interviewed me again... surprised I came back. He turned me down again. I waited 30 more days and did it again. He interviewed me again and turned me down. I repeated this process for 6 months. LOL.

During my 6th interview he said, "You're not going to stop, are you?" Then he gave me the job. $35,000 a year at 19.

I helped open a new store in my town. Stood it up and then floated between the pharmacy and the retail store since I was the only registered pharmacy tech and manager at the time.

Did this for about two years. At this point, at 21, they offered me my own store to manage as store manager. It would be $55,000 a year. This was in 2007 so it was a good amount of money.

At the same time though I had a friend who's father worked at a dealership chain. They were looking for someone to manage inventory at a corporate level. It was less pay, but I didn't have to move.

I took the corporate job and have been in the SAME industry from 2007-2026. Nearly 20 years now. When I started it was mainly dealing with inventory planning and review rows of numbers each day. I could put headphones in and just review each dealer's inventory all day. I had 20 dealerships I was responsible for.

Did this for a year and then got promoted to 'Inventory Control Manager' for the company. So I was responsible for managing the inventory planners and managing any obsolete inventory.

As I worked this for a few years the job became more and more analytical. I didn't know Excel or SQL well so I taught myself it during my off hours. I also learned our custom ERP the best I could.

This led to other opportunities within the company. At one point they started training me to be an RPG programmer... but the pay was crap so I moved away from it.

Eventually I left the company after 10 years. I only gone from $40,000 to $65,000 over 10 years. I needed a change. I went to a sister industry and joined as an IT Business Analyst.

This was mainly dealing with software. I was the in between from the business to the IT developers. I translated requirements from the business, got deep into details, and wrote up requirement documents for the developers. I then tested thoroughly to make sure my customers, the business, were satisfied.

Did this for 2.5 years. Went from $65,000 to $89,000 by the time I left. I had another opportunity, this time back at the industry I spent 10 years on. They needed someone to completely stand up an e-commerce site for their business.

As a hobby I had dabbled with WordPress and even built and sold a few of them for side income. This was dealing with Magento... but I knew I could figure out so I said yes.

They asked what I was at salary wise and I said $110,000. They said ok, how's $120,000 and $15,000 bonus sound? I took it right away and enjoyed the nice bump.

Worked there for 1.8 years. I stood up their e-commerce site, managed a full department with P&L, and then started centralizing their pricing across the company.

Randomly I had another company in the same industry recruit me. They wanted someone to manage their e-commerce sites as well as sales operations. This would be working with Magento again. They asked what salary I'd like. I thought about it for a while and told them $160k with a $40 bonus.

I've been at this company now for 5 years. E-Commerce has grown a lot since then. Salary is at $210,000 all in now.

All of it boils down to me teaching myself anything I needed to know, saying yes to every opportunity, persistence, and making myself indispensable by my organization capabilities.

I have carved my own path towards this income all while NOT playing any NT games. I went through sheer grit and determination. Nowadays I work remote full time and help grow the company from my home.

While I have not disclosed my diagnosis at work I have had a few people flat out ask me, which I then admit to it. I am seen as 'quirky' but my knowledge and expertise overrides the quirkiness.

I haven't been in school for over 20 years but to this day I despise team sports. Some of the cruelest and mean spirited people I've ever dealt with were team sports players. Constant harassment, physical attacks, being spit on, verbally abused, being called out for X Y or Z.

Now I have a deep hatred for team sports because from my point of view the people who play those sports are JUST like the people who tormented me. Even in high school when I got big from weights and was 6'3 250 pounds it didn't stop. They'd just pile on in groups then. I took martial arts, I lifted life crazy, I trained my wrists against concrete walls. None if helped.

I am passive by nature. I do not like violence and would never even think of hurting someone or making fun of them. These predators saw that and wouldn't relent. Now I can't even watch team sports without getting irrationally angry. Because I know, I know, they would be making fun of the quiet autistic kid if they could.

Nowadays I'm 6'3 240 pounds in shape with a shaved head and a handlebar mustache. People assume I enjoy Football, Basketball, whatever. I shut that shit down fast.