u/idealistintherealw

My Fears: My historical fear was that I was stupid, incompetent, weak, or a weirdo. Yes, I grew up reading comic books, playing d&d, and avoiding sports. So that was my weak spot that my ex could hit me with in relationship to establish dominance.

N Abuse Story: After she really fell out of affection for me, when the lovebombing was /over/, she started to claim I didn't love her because I would forget things. Like, she would ask me to get milk on the way home, probably the night before, or start the potatoes boiling when I got home from work so we could serve when she got home -- and I'd forget. She would tell me that these things meant I did not think of her all day and I did not love her - after all, I remembered things for work. This would continue, on and off, for years. To be fair, at least once or twice, I had an appointment with a friend to work on something in grad school, and I would ask her if I should remind them, and she'd say "no, they either want to go or they don't, don't annoy them." And, of course, a couple of times, the friends forgot. So she was consistent in her unrealistic expectations -- if she said it once, she couldn't be deigned to remind someone, if they forgot, it was their fault.

Eventually I made similar mistakes at work and told her about it. Then slowly I went from "smart but don't love her" to "she doesn't love me" to "dumba-s who she does not love." Eventually I filed for separation (not divorce, religious) my priest talked me out of it but she had seen a lawyer, so she spent 6 months isolating me from the the kids then filed for divorce. The court determined she was dominating and controlling and awarded me the youngest full-time to prevent the destruction of relationship that had already happened with the older two.

TODAY: A half-dozen years later, my youngest is starting to do the same things. She's an early teen now, and earlier in the week wanted a specific item from the store. She was in information-hiding mode, so she only two me a few words, so, for example, "It's kind of frozen vegetable they will have at wal-mart." Then we went to get it on our way to mom's dinner visit, which is ~40 miles away. I asked her to remind me, and she wouldn't. Eventually she told me "frozen vegetables", and I thought "oh wait, if we get them before the visit they'll be sitting in the car for four hours. Let's not do that." and we agree. Later I told her if she wants me to remember things, tell me a story - who suggested it, why, when, what you wanted to do with it, what makes it unique, that kind of thing. She said "why would I do that, when you can't remember two words?"

She later told me she believed I was intentionally forgetting in order to "rage bait" her. And that my forgetting was "feigned incompetence." The night before that, my daughter told me that I was a narcissist and I should look up "SPECIAL ME", which is a nemonic to remember the diagnostic criteria of NPD.

Eventually I told her that she knows she is being disrespectful and that no, she could not watch a TV show on her phone in the car, and if she kept it up I would call her friend's mom and cancel the friend-over she was planning friday. Suddenly her behavior improved.

In my words: She is perceiving my appropriate, loving, boundaries as abuse, and someone is inappropriately teaching her therapy-language, coaching her to be my peer or superior, and to see my parenting as narcissistic abuse. (It's a covert tactic)

Bottom line: I can see this a couple ways. It could be a strategy - provide very limited information, criticize the person when they forget. But I think another aspect of this that narcissists are constantly asking "what's in it for me?" Explaining in depth to someone else, reminding them doesn't benefit the narcissist specifically -- unless they get worship and positive supply out of it.

Another aspect, I think, is rigorous boundaries and unkindness - Their way of being really is that they told you once, if you don't show up, that is your fault, they TOLD you. I'm actually running into this in other areas, where a really complex situation is boiled down to five words, and if I don't remember then I am "gaslighting" them. Again, if they actually invested the time to remind me in any detail, I might remember - and did once, when I got my youngest to actually tell me what she meant, instead of jumping to gaslighting.

It's all very confusing to me. I am hoping some people here have some insight into what might be going on.

My Fears: My historical fear was that I was stupid, incompetent, weak, or a weirdo. Yes, I grew up reading comic books, playing d&d, and avoiding sports. So that was my weak spot that my ex could hit me with in relationship to establish dominance.

N Abuse Story: After she really fell out of affection for me, when the lovebombing was /over/, she started to claim I didn't love her because I would forget things. Like, she would ask me to get milk on the way home, probably the night before, or start the potatoes boiling when I got home from work so we could serve when she got home -- and I'd forget. She would tell me that these things meant I did not think of her all day and I did not love her - after all, I remembered things for work. This would continue, on and off, for years. To be fair, at least once or twice, I had an appointment with a friend to work on something in grad school, and I would ask her if I should remind them, and she'd say "no, they either want to go or they don't, don't annoy them." And, of course, a couple of times, the friends forgot. So she was consistent in her unrealistic expectations -- if she said it once, she couldn't be deigned to remind someone, if they forgot, it was their fault.

Eventually I made similar mistakes at work and told her about it. Then slowly I went from "smart but don't love her" to "she doesn't love me" to "dumba-s who she does not love." Eventually I filed for separation (not divorce, religious) my priest talked me out of it but she had seen a lawyer, so she spent 6 months isolating me from the the kids then filed for divorce. The court determined she was dominating and controlling and awarded me the youngest full-time to prevent the destruction of relationship that had already happened with the older two.

TODAY: A half-dozen years later, my youngest is starting to do the same things. She's an early teen now, and earlier in the week wanted a specific item from the store. She was in information-hiding mode, so she only two me a few words, so, for example, "It's kind of frozen vegetable they will have at wal-mart." Then we went to get it on our way to mom's dinner visit, which is ~40 miles away. I asked her to remind me, and she wouldn't. Eventually she told me "frozen vegetables", and I thought "oh wait, if we get them before the visit they'll be sitting in the car for four hours. Let's not do that." and we agree. Later I told her if she wants me to remember things, tell me a story - who suggested it, why, when, what you wanted to do with it, what makes it unique, that kind of thing. She said "why would I do that, when you can't remember two words?"

She later told me she believed I was intentionally forgetting in order to "rage bait" her. And that my forgetting was "feigned incompetence." The night before that, my daughter told me that I was a narcissist and I should look up "SPECIAL ME", which is a nemonic to remember the diagnostic criteria of NPD.

Eventually I told her that she knows she is being disrespectful and that no, she could not watch a TV show on her phone in the car, and if she kept it up I would call her friend's mom and cancel the friend-over she was planning friday. Suddenly her behavior improved.

In my words: She is perceiving my appropriate, loving, boundaries as abuse, and someone is inappropriately teaching her therapy-language, coaching her to be my peer or superior, and to see my parenting as narcissistic abuse. (It's a covert tactic)

Bottom line: I can see this a couple ways. It could be a strategy - provide very limited information, criticize the person when they forget. But I think another aspect of this that narcissists are constantly asking "what's in it for me?" Explaining in depth to someone else, reminding them doesn't benefit the narcissist specifically -- unless they get worship and positive supply out of it.

Another aspect, I think, is rigorous boundaries and unkindness - Their way of being really is that they told you once, if you don't show up, that is your fault, they TOLD you. I'm actually running into this in other areas, where a really complex situation is boiled down to five words, and if I don't remember then I am "gaslighting" them. Again, if they actually invested the time to remind me in any detail, I might remember - and did once, when I got my youngest to actually tell me what she meant, instead of jumping to gaslighting.

It's all very confusing to me. I am hoping some people here have some insight into what might be going on.