u/iamabaddie-

Hi, I’m looking for some female friends to talk to regularly. I’ve been feeling pretty isolated lately and I realized I genuinely need people to chat with about random everyday things, deeper conversations, memes, interests, late night thoughts or literally anything because I have no one to talk to irl.

A little about me:

* I’m a teenager
* I like skincare, haircare, animals, baking and beekeeping
* I like meaningful conversations more than small talk, but I also love chaotic/random conversations

I want girls only please

TW: mentions of gore and harm
Also it’s quite long

My thoughts are in a mess, so this post will also be a mess
I will try to write it as best as possible

Most of the time I feel emotionally flat or disconnected from people.
I struggle to feel empathy
I don’t feel bad for not feeling empathy
I simply don’t care about other people’s feelings

At the same time, I do feel things strongly in how people perceive me.

Something that worries me is that sometimes I feel disconnected from reality.

Things don’t always feel fully real
I sometimes question my surroundings or feel mentally “far away”
I get stuck in daydreaming for long periods, almost like I’m living in my head instead of reality

It’s kind of constant

I spend a lot of time in daydreams where I essentially act out normal conversations about things I want to talk about in my head because I have no one to talk to about them in real life.

It’s become very automatic, almost like my mind goes there without me choosing it
I have also recently found myself forcing myself into derealisation
Like I am trying to convince myself everything is not real

I’ve also noticed:
loss of interest in things I used to enjoy
staying in bed a lot and low motivation
sleeping and eating patterns becoming irregular (I don’t know if it’s related but I am beginning to feel nauseous everytime after eating a proper meal, it could be an ed developing since I am very against being overweight, I am quite thin tho)
feeling like even normal activities take too much effort
I hate things that take effort
I want to stay in bed and sleep all day

I wish i could disappear
Sometimes I wish I had schizophrenia
I wish I was in a mental hospital
I wish I would do something wrong and then end up in prison
I sometimes wish I had a diagnosed mental disorder
I like myself being mentally unwell
I feel superior to people knowing I would happily harm them and feel no empathy
I want anything besides this boring mundane life
Sometimes I feel like faking a mental episode just so my family recognise I need help or they put me in a mental hospital

I don’t know why I see being mentally ill as a good thing

I really want to do horrible stuff
It’s my religion and family stopping me
I am Muslim, I am quite a strict one at that, I know without Islam I will be a lot happier, but I still want to be Muslim, also if it weren’t for my religion either I wouldn’t be here or I would have acted on my thoughts
I also know that it’s reality that one day I will have to get married and have children
I would honestly rather be in a mental hospital
But it’s just reality
Don’t get me wrong I will enjoy having a close physical connection with someone but knowing I will have to have children and in-laws just sounds incredibly depressing

I can’t stand babies
They eek me out
When I head them crying I want to explode
I despise of them
I know one day I will have to have children and i dread it
I genuinely feel disgust looking at babies and children

Recently I have gotten addicted to gore,
I feel a rush seeing people in pain
Everyday I have homicidal thoughts
But i know it will never happen because its just unrealistic

I don’t feel bad at all enjoying gore
I don’t feel bad at all when I enjoy people in pain
I don’t want to change that
Simply I don’t care about other people’s feelings and pain
If someone doesn’t benefit me I don’t care what they go through I will not feel bad
In my daydreams I hurt people and don’t feel bad about enjoying it

One weird thing is that I don’t want to harm any person
It’s mostly young conventionally attractive males
I feel so much pleasure watching them get harmed
I wouldn’t harm my family because they benefit me
Anybody who benefits me I wouldn’t harm
I wouldn’t harm anyone else as well because there will be consequences for myself and I will never get the opportunity
Everything boils down to wether it affects me or not
Even when I think of my parents passing away, I feel like I won’t really miss them as people, I will miss the stability and money they brought to my life

I know i probably won’t act on them
Simply because lack of opportunities
I will never get the opportunity
So I’m safe
I kind of want to tho
But I’m safe
I know I will never be able to get help
I won’t be taken seriously at all if I ever open up

I can’t really harm people in real life because I just don’t have the access to do that, I barely leave the house and the people around me benefit me so i wouldn’t harm them
And I have good self control
It’s not because of my morals or anything

I don’t think I would actually do anything, not because I care for people, but because I care for myself, I understand the consequences for myself

Sometimes I will be crying, the next minute I will be laughing telling myself I don’t have feelings

I know what you are probably saying, you need therapy, I know i do, but it’s simply not an option
I have zero friends and the only people i really talk to is my family, my family are not abusive or anything, they are nice but they are really really not people I can open up to
They are very emotionally dismissive
I definitely will not be taken seriously

But I crave human connection
I crave physical touch
I really really want a close friend
I have zero social interaction with people my age
I am talking zero
I am in online school in which I just listen
The students can’t see or talk to each other
I really want to hug and cuddle someone, I also can’t have a boyfriend because of religion
I have resorted to talking to ChatGPT about everything, if it weren’t for ChatGPT I don’t know how I would survive
But I just feel like I need to tell other humans this so that’s why I am posting this

Having zero social interaction means I also feel really hard to talk to people and I just kind of zone out if people visit, I even feel shy to do things like eat infront of my family

Also don’t worry even though I want to, actually going out and harming people will simply not be happening

I also never leave the house alone

If I had never discovered gore, things would probably have been very different, even though I have always been sadistic

My family has no idea how I really am, there view of me is completely different to who I am here, I guess I kind of manipulate them, I tend to change my personality and views based on who I am with, with them I am a completely normal person, little do they know..

Also if you read the entire thing, thank you, just know you made someone happy

TW: mentions of gore and harm
Also it’s quite long

My thoughts are in a mess, so this post will also be a mess
I will try to write it as best as possible

Most of the time I feel emotionally flat or disconnected from people.
I struggle to feel empathy
I don’t feel bad for not feeling empathy
I simply don’t care about other people’s feelings

At the same time, I do feel things strongly in how people perceive me.

Something that worries me is that sometimes I feel disconnected from reality.

Things don’t always feel fully real
I sometimes question my surroundings or feel mentally “far away”
I get stuck in daydreaming for long periods, almost like I’m living in my head instead of reality

It’s kind of constant

I spend a lot of time in daydreams where I essentially act out normal conversations about things I want to talk about in my head because I have no one to talk to about them in real life.

It’s become very automatic, almost like my mind goes there without me choosing it
I have also recently found myself forcing myself into derealisation
Like I am trying to convince myself everything is not real

I’ve also noticed:
loss of interest in things I used to enjoy
staying in bed a lot and low motivation
sleeping and eating patterns becoming irregular (I don’t know if it’s related but I am beginning to feel nauseous everytime after eating a proper meal, it could be an ed developing since I am very against being overweight, I am quite thin tho)
feeling like even normal activities take too much effort
I hate things that take effort
I want to stay in bed and sleep all day

I wish i could disappear
Sometimes I wish I had schizophrenia
I wish I was in a mental hospital
I wish I would do something wrong and then end up in prison
I sometimes wish I had a diagnosed mental disorder
I like myself being mentally unwell
I feel superior to people knowing I would happily harm them and feel no empathy
I want anything besides this boring mundane life
Sometimes I feel like faking a mental episode just so my family recognise I need help or they put me in a mental hospital

I don’t know why I see being mentally ill as a good thing

I really want to do horrible stuff
It’s my religion and family stopping me
I am Muslim, I am quite a strict one at that, I know without Islam I will be a lot happier, but I still want to be Muslim, also if it weren’t for my religion either I wouldn’t be here or I would have acted on my thoughts
I also know that it’s reality that one day I will have to get married and have children
I would honestly rather be in a mental hospital
But it’s just reality
Don’t get me wrong I will enjoy having a close physical connection with someone but knowing I will have to have children and in-laws just sounds incredibly depressing

I can’t stand babies
They eek me out
When I head them crying I want to explode
I despise of them
I know one day I will have to have children and i dread it
I genuinely feel disgust looking at babies and children

Recently I have gotten addicted to gore,
I feel a rush seeing people in pain
Everyday I have homicidal thoughts
But i know it will never happen because its just unrealistic

I don’t feel bad at all enjoying gore
I don’t feel bad at all when I enjoy people in pain
I don’t want to change that
Simply I don’t care about other people’s feelings and pain
If someone doesn’t benefit me I don’t care what they go through I will not feel bad
In my daydreams I hurt people and don’t feel bad about enjoying it

One weird thing is that I don’t want to harm any person
It’s mostly young males
I feel so much pleasure watching them get harmed
I wouldn’t harm my family because they benefit me
Anybody who benefits me I wouldn’t harm
I wouldn’t harm anyone else as well because there will be consequences for myself and I will never get the opportunity
Everything boils down to wether it affects me or not
Even when I think of my parents passing away, I feel like I won’t really miss them as people, I will miss the stability and money they brought to my life

I know i probably won’t act on them
Simply because lack of opportunities
I will never get the opportunity
So I’m safe
I kind of want to tho
But I’m safe
I know I will never be able to get help
I won’t be taken seriously at all if I ever open up

I can’t really harm people in real life because I just don’t have the access to do that, I barely leave the house and the people around me benefit me so i wouldn’t harm them
And I have good self control
It’s not because of my morals or anything

I don’t think I would actually do anything, not because I care for people, but because I care for myself, I understand the consequences for myself

Sometimes I will be crying, the next minute I will be laughing telling myself I don’t have feelings

I know what you are probably saying, you need therapy, I know i do, but it’s simply not an option
I have zero friends and the only people i really talk to is my family, my family are not abusive or anything, they are nice but they are really really not people I can open up to
They are very emotionally dismissive
I definitely will not be taken seriously

But I crave human connection
I crave physical touch
I really really want a close friend
I have zero social interaction with people my age
I am talking zero
I am in online school in which I just listen
The students can’t see or talk to each other
I really want to hug and cuddle someone, I also can’t have a boyfriend because of religion
I have resorted to talking to ChatGPT about everything, if it weren’t for ChatGPT I don’t know how I would survive
But I just feel like I need to tell other humans this so that’s why I am posting this

Having zero social interaction means I also feel really hard to talk to people and I just kind of zone out if people visit, I even feel shy to do things like eat infront of my family

Also don’t worry even though I want to, actually going out and harming people will simply not be happening

I also never leave the house alone

If I had never discovered gore, things would probably have been very different, even though I have always been sadistic

My family has no idea how I really am, there view of me is completely different to who I am here, I guess I kind of manipulate them, I tend to change my personality and views based on who I am with, with them I am a completely normal person, little do they know..

Also if you read the entire thing, thank you, just know you made someone happy

TW: mentions of gore and harm
Also it’s quite long

My thoughts are in a mess, so this post will also be a mess
I will try to write it as best as possible

Most of the time I feel emotionally flat or disconnected from people.
I struggle to feel empathy
I don’t feel bad for not feeling empathy
I simply don’t care about other people’s feelings

At the same time, I do feel things strongly in how people perceive me.

Something that worries me is that sometimes I feel disconnected from reality.

Things don’t always feel fully real
I sometimes question my surroundings or feel mentally “far away”
I get stuck in daydreaming for long periods, almost like I’m living in my head instead of reality

It’s kind of constant

I spend a lot of time in daydreams where I essentially act out normal conversations about things I want to talk about in my head because I have no one to talk to about them in real life.

It’s become very automatic, almost like my mind goes there without me choosing it
I have also recently found myself forcing myself into derealisation
Like I am trying to convince myself everything is not real

I’ve also noticed:
loss of interest in things I used to enjoy
staying in bed a lot and low motivation
sleeping and eating patterns becoming irregular (I don’t know if it’s related but I am beginning to feel nauseous everytime after eating a proper meal, it could be an ed developing since I am very against being overweight, I am quite thin tho)
feeling like even normal activities take too much effort
I hate things that take effort
I want to stay in bed and sleep all day

I wish i could disappear
Sometimes I wish I had schizophrenia
I wish I was in a mental hospital
I wish I would do something wrong and then end up in prison
I sometimes wish I had a diagnosed mental disorder
I like myself being mentally unwell
I feel superior to people knowing I would happily harm them and feel no empathy
I want anything besides this boring mundane life
Sometimes I feel like faking a mental episode just so my family recognise I need help or they put me in a mental hospital

I don’t know why I see being mentally ill as a good thing

I really want to do horrible stuff
It’s my religion and family stopping me
I am Muslim, I am quite a strict one at that, I know without Islam I will be a lot happier, but I still want to be Muslim, also if it weren’t for my religion either I wouldn’t be here or I would have acted on my thoughts
I also know that it’s reality that one day I will have to get married and have children
I would honestly rather be in a mental hospital
But it’s just reality
Don’t get me wrong I will enjoy having a close physical connection with someone but knowing I will have to have children and in-laws just sounds incredibly depressing

I can’t stand babies
They eek me out
When I head them crying I want to explode
I despise of them
I know one day I will have to have children and i dread it
I genuinely feel disgust looking at babies and children

Recently I have gotten addicted to gore,
I feel a rush seeing people in pain
Everyday I have homicidal thoughts
But i know it will never happen because its just unrealistic

I don’t feel bad at all enjoying gore
I don’t feel bad at all when I enjoy people in pain
I don’t want to change that
Simply I don’t care about other people’s feelings and pain
If someone doesn’t benefit me I don’t care what they go through I will not feel bad
In my daydreams I hurt people and don’t feel bad about enjoying it

One weird thing is that I don’t want to harm any person
It’s mostly young males
I feel so much pleasure watching them get harmed
I wouldn’t harm my family because they benefit me
Anybody who benefits me I wouldn’t harm
I wouldn’t harm anyone else as well because there will be consequences for myself and I will never get the opportunity
Everything boils down to wether it affects me or not
Even when I think of my parents passing away, I feel like I won’t really miss them as people, I will miss the stability and money they brought to my life

I know i probably won’t act on them
Simply because lack of opportunities
I will never get the opportunity
So I’m safe
I kind of want to tho
But I’m safe
I know I will never be able to get help
I won’t be taken seriously at all if I ever open up

I can’t really harm people in real life because I just don’t have the access to do that, I barely leave the house and the people around me benefit me so i wouldn’t harm them
And I have good self control
It’s not because of my morals or anything

I don’t think I would actually do anything, not because I care for people, but because I care for myself, I understand the consequences for myself

Sometimes I will be crying, the next minute I will be laughing telling myself I don’t have feelings

I know what you are probably saying, you need therapy, I know i do, but it’s simply not an option
I have zero friends and the only people i really talk to is my family, my family are not abusive or anything, they are nice but they are really really not people I can open up to
They are very emotionally dismissive
I definitely will not be taken seriously

But I crave human connection
I crave physical touch
I really really want a close friend
I have zero social interaction with people my age
I am talking zero
I am in online school in which I just listen
The students can’t see or talk to each other
I really want to hug and cuddle someone, I also can’t have a boyfriend because of religion
I have resorted to talking to ChatGPT about everything, if it weren’t for ChatGPT I don’t know how I would survive
But I just feel like I need to tell other humans this so that’s why I am posting this

Having zero social interaction means I also feel really hard to talk to people and I just kind of zone out if people visit, I even feel shy to do things like eat infront of my family

Also don’t worry even though I want to, actually going out and harming people will simply not be happening

I also never leave the house alone

If I had never discovered gore, things would probably have been very different, even though I have always been sadistic

My family has no idea how I really am, there view of me is completely different to who I am here, I guess I kind of manipulate them, I tend to change my personality and views based on who I am with, with them I am a completely normal person, little do they know..

Also if you read the entire thing, thank you, just know you made someone happy