u/hell0-_

To begin with, I want to apologize because this text might be long. First of all, I need to give you some context: I’m 17 years old, and I live alone with my mother. I’ve always been used to living only with her since I was a child. For a very long time, I’ve never really gotten along with her, and I’ve never truly felt loved during my 17 years of existence with her — yeah, it’s kind of weird.

During my childhood, my mother could be quite violent. She would hit me when I did something wrong, either with her hands or with a whip (I can confirm it hurts lol). As I grew older, I noticed she hit me less. However, the mean comments and impulsive outbursts where she would yell, making me understand from a very young age that she would have preferred never to have had me, never stopped.

Throughout my childhood and adolescence, she made it clear that I was not her beloved son, that she regretted having me, all while comparing me to my older brother who did everything better than me. She admires my brother but hates me.

During my teenage years, unfortunately, I was introduced to substances like weed and alcohol. After discovering that I was starting to get into those things, she didn’t react the way I expected. She clearly told me that if I wanted to ruin my life, I might as well do it faster — yes, she encouraged me to kill myself (I was already in a bad mental state, so I already had those kinds of thoughts in my head, lol).

Up until now, nothing has changed. She puts me down, complains about me to everyone (family, her friends, her coworkers, etc.). In every version she tells, she makes herself the victim. She tries to make everyone believe that I’m crazy and disturbed, and that I’m destroying her life and mental health (when it’s actually the opposite after 17 years on this earth).

As I grew up, I started to wonder if my mother might have some mental disorders. Why did I think that? Because she had what seemed to me like narcissistic manipulative behavior — she would make me feel guilty, and from a very young age, she made me believe that if her life was ruined, it was entirely my fault.

I also suspected that my mother had some mental health issues because during her childhood she was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, which, from what I’ve been told, can be quite traumatic and disturbing for a child. On top of that, my mother has alcohol problems, which obviously doesn’t help. She also struggles to control certain emotions, especially anger — as you might have guessed.

For a long time (and still now), I’ve isolated myself a lot and avoid talking to her because the only times we talk, it ends in intense arguments. I’ve also noticed that I’m starting to develop some anger and impulsive tendencies myself, which honestly disgusts me.

Basically, during my isolation, my mother positions herself as the victim, saying that I don’t love her and that I avoid her, that it hurts her (I don’t even know if she truly believes that or not).

Now I find myself completely lost, living in what feels like hell with a mother who is mentally unstable. I spend my time isolating myself and escaping into substances that allow me to feel okay for a moment, without being under constant tension.

I’m really afraid that my problematic childhood might cause me to develop mental illnesses in the future, even though I already have issues like intense anxiety and a deep sense of distress.

If you can give me advice on what to do in this kind of situation, I would really appreciate it because I feel completely lost in my mind and in my life. I tried to give the main information, but I was a bit vague, so don’t hesitate to ask me questions if needed. Thank you for your attention.

To begin with, I want to apologize because this text might be long. First of all, I need to give you some context: I’m 17 years old, and I live alone with my mother. I’ve always been used to living only with her since I was a child. For a very long time, I’ve never really gotten along with her, and I’ve never truly felt loved during my 17 years of existence with her — yeah, it’s kind of weird.

During my childhood, my mother could be quite violent. She would hit me when I did something wrong, either with her hands or with a whip (I can confirm it hurts lol). As I grew older, I noticed she hit me less. However, the mean comments and impulsive outbursts where she would yell, making me understand from a very young age that she would have preferred never to have had me, never stopped.

Throughout my childhood and adolescence, she made it clear that I was not her beloved son, that she regretted having me, all while comparing me to my older brother who did everything better than me. She admires my brother but hates me.

During my teenage years, unfortunately, I was introduced to substances like weed and alcohol. After discovering that I was starting to get into those things, she didn’t react the way I expected. She clearly told me that if I wanted to ruin my life, I might as well do it faster — yes, she encouraged me to kill myself (I was already in a bad mental state, so I already had those kinds of thoughts in my head, lol).

Up until now, nothing has changed. She puts me down, complains about me to everyone (family, her friends, her coworkers, etc.). In every version she tells, she makes herself the victim. She tries to make everyone believe that I’m crazy and disturbed, and that I’m destroying her life and mental health (when it’s actually the opposite after 17 years on this earth).

As I grew up, I started to wonder if my mother might have some mental disorders. Why did I think that? Because she had what seemed to me like narcissistic manipulative behavior — she would make me feel guilty, and from a very young age, she made me believe that if her life was ruined, it was entirely my fault.

I also suspected that my mother had some mental health issues because during her childhood she was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, which, from what I’ve been told, can be quite traumatic and disturbing for a child. On top of that, my mother has alcohol problems, which obviously doesn’t help. She also struggles to control certain emotions, especially anger — as you might have guessed.

For a long time (and still now), I’ve isolated myself a lot and avoid talking to her because the only times we talk, it ends in intense arguments. I’ve also noticed that I’m starting to develop some anger and impulsive tendencies myself, which honestly disgusts me.

Basically, during my isolation, my mother positions herself as the victim, saying that I don’t love her and that I avoid her, that it hurts her (I don’t even know if she truly believes that or not).

Now I find myself completely lost, living in what feels like hell with a mother who is mentally unstable. I spend my time isolating myself and escaping into substances that allow me to feel okay for a moment, without being under constant tension.

I’m really afraid that my problematic childhood might cause me to develop mental illnesses in the future, even though I already have issues like intense anxiety and a deep sense of distress.

If you can give me advice on what to do in this kind of situation, I would really appreciate it because I feel completely lost in my mind and in my life. I tried to give the main information, but I was a bit vague, so don’t hesitate to ask me questions if needed. Thank you for your attention.