u/gee_hiroshi6

i've been struggling real bad with my ptsd since december and idk what triggered it to get so bad again. my therapist and i haven't gotten anywhere with this to help me work through it. idk what set me off and made it this bad once more. no one in my life knows how to handle this with me and i don't blame them cause shit, me too. i've been so guarded and irritated. fighting my panic attacks. i don't feel safe and it fckin scks. i still try to go out at night cause that does feel the safest. nobody be out here at 12-3am. i feel a bit safer then. i keep trying to push myself and i don't think it's helping. i feel like a shit bf too, before this we went out a lot. since december, it has become less. when we do go out and do shit. i get triggered easy and my need for escape is unbearable. that or i try to ride it out but my mood shift is so obvious and i feel like it ruins shit 🤦‍♂️ he's fine with this and supportive but that doesn't just make my guilt go away. i've expressed my frustrations with ts so many times. i feel stuck. i feel like my psyche can't handle existing. i've been drinking more cause deep down it does feel like it's helping. past week, constant drinking. my one sober, productive days today and i'm losing it again. i keep remembering someone i don't wanna after my sister joked about him to me a few days ago. had nightmares about him. i had ts in the back of my mind, and ts brought it all front and center ffs

had a nightmare about the first time i snorted M. i hope the mf that introduced me to ts is suffering

see, i learned, like my father, when we drink shit like hennessey or anything dark, it's like all our unhealed trauma comes out with rage.

one night i drank a lot of dark rum and idk why of all things (thank god cause there's worse) i confessed and broke down to my sister and step sister on VC about the guy that gave me M and some of the shit he did to me. then that spiraled into me going into a rant about how much i hate our "mother", what she's done to me, how her accusing me of fcking our dad and how bad it traumatized me (still crazy to think. well your dad isn't cheating with women, he must be cheating with men then and that includes you). and why i didn't uderstand why my "mother' couldn't love me. you know that moment i should of know my sister was fake. cause 1. when i said that stuff about how our "mother" accused me, her response was "i know" how? i never told you. so they talked about sht behind my back still. another is while my step sister and bf were crying, my sister didn't give af, and that btch is a cry baby. she didn't need to cry for me but she just read as fake and indifferent. showed more emotions when her fish died. then this leads into why i cut her off for good two days ago. she joked about the guy to my face. i was 13, he was 32. that mf deeply traumatized me and kicked off my addiction to M. playing in my face knowing ts fcked me up is crazy that's something i don't even joke about and i joke about my trauma a lot but that mf? i rather forget bro existed. and her resurfacing ts is why i had a crazy nightmare about that mf. i feel like shit.

i don't like waking up upset. what kills me the most about this is that, she saw the shit my 'mother' did to me. she even hit me for no fuckin reason a lot and i never struck back cause she was younger and my dad raised me not to hit girls. i forgave her for ts for what? tf i ever do to any of those mfs to be treated worse than dirt? my biggest regret in life is just taking sht, taking disrespect and not fighting back more. yeah i did do crazy shit but i learned through therapy it was all reactive abuse events, they 'd make me feel like shit for reaching my limit. made me feel crazy for my reactions. wish i took it further than i did 🙇‍♂️ if our roles were reversed, i would've cut off my "mother" for her without hesitation cause yk, who tf does that to their own son? that's what gets me. what i also realized through a year or so is my sister is a trigger herself for me. she is too much like my "mother" so any time she visited or we talked, things about her would set me off but i'd push aside. she's literally a clone of her. i rather her stay out of my life too. i don't trust her anymore, especially cause some recent event i haven't even talked about

yk when you hear a horrible "joke" and it kinda disgusts you but you have no energy to even argue about it, so you gotta just laugh despite it to hide how much it actually bothered you? and it just keeps echoing in your head but you don't wanna feel like a problem or be a downer to the people around you? yeah, fck my sister. idk why i tried giving her a chance. i'm so done and so dmn tired. if you're not doing anything but dragging my mental health down, i just can't have you in my life any more. i back tracked last time with her cause it was gonna hurt regardless but yeah. i'm standing on ts this time. i should've known better 🤦‍♂️ joking about something you know fcked me up is crazy