u/fruitbatz4

tw:// brief mention of sa

I told my therapist that none of the sex I encountered throughout my early twenties felt like my choice. It didn’t.

I am twenty-six now and I harbor a lot of guilt and shame for my body count. While, I can count it on one hand I never wanted to have this many. Perhaps, I could be okay with it if the encounters genuinely felt healthy. I believe sex should be healthy even if it’s a situationship. The reason I feel like it wasn’t my choice was because the men I met genuinely told me they loved me. I only slept with them because I was promised relationships and god I was so naive. Had they been truthful about their intentions I wouldn’t have had sex with them. I waited a long time to lose my virginity and while I engaged in other things I remember being 21-22 and begging the older man I was seeing to not take this from me if he was going to hurt me. This feels predatory because men will purposely seek out women who do not share the same intentions. I feel my sexual encounters weren’t my choice because I engaged because I was lied. I also explained to my therapist that I have never had healthy sexual experiences. I have been assaulted and pressured into sex.

Lately, I have been thinking about everything I had done and all the situations I allowed myself to be used in. While, I suppose my obsession with my body count is deeply rooted in misogyny and a part of me believes in sexual liberation … I just truly did not want to have what I feel like are spiritual roots with these men. I know for a fact none of the men I laid down with are sitting around regretting getting their dick wet. I fucking hate I feel like I won’t ever get a part of myself back. Every man I have been with has used me or tried to talk me into doing something I didn’t want. And what kills me as they would literally pretend to want something entirely different. I am someone who bonds very deeply through sex as well.

I am now having trouble wanting to intimate with my current partner. I do not trust men. It is sad to say I genuinely don’t feel I have ever been loved or liked for anything other than my body because I haven’t. As a black woman I especially feel over sexualized or seen as this object. I feel porn affects black women differently in the sense of we’re seen as these beings who give nasty crazy sex with curvaceous bodies but are deemed way too promiscuous for relationships.

I just want to stop feeling like this. I don’t want to engage in sex with them. I fell inlove for the first time last year and I realized my partner lost feelings for me a while ago but kept engaging in sex with me. Another man I was raw with and while I was being fully transparent he wasn’t. I realized men are so selfish to the point they will risk your fucking health just so they can get off.

I don’t know how to stop regretting the past. I haven’t had sex in a year because I do not trust them.

I can’t see how many likes a post got anymore. Is this a permanent thing or …?

I have been unemployed for a month. I felt immediate relief when I got fired as I probably wouldn’t have left. But now I’m just frustrated with how difficult it is for me to even obtain a full time cashier job in this economy. I don’t want to spend my entire life working for pennies and chips. I am seriously at this point of just backpacking or traveling with the little money I have. Fuck the job market right now. I feel punished for even attempting to be apart of society.

I have wanted to partake in van life since before 2k19 but had been advised against it. I will admit that it isn’t a typical lifestyle however the the older I get the more I am starting to value my life. I don’t want to work a 9-5 and never travel.

However, I have absolutely no idea where to start. Any tips would suffice <3 perhaps, things I should consider as I’m aware certain aspects of van life are altered to be aesthetically pleasing online without showcasing the harsh realities. What do I do for work? What model van should I get? Etc

… was genuinely so insane? I do not idolize any celebrity but she did not deserve that. It is traumatizing as hell and that woman was mad weird. And what really makes me upset is that a MAN had the audacity to be getting all hostile with her like that knowing he wouldn’t feel that tough had it been another man. I hope this is a lesson to her to get security in the future. The audacity of people. And this isn’t just a celebrity thing this is genuinely something that happens when people harbor enough jealousy and envy to want to harm you.h