u/forthehope_

(F) I’ve had GHSV2 for a few years now. I was sexually active occasionally the first year or so of being diagnosed, a few different partners, one of them was recurrent the others were one offs, always wore protection. As far as I know I never transmitted in those cases. For the last couple years I decided to focus on myself because I want a good relationship and didn’t like hookups or situationships, but now I’m interested in seriously dating again. This whole time I haven’t been too bothered by OBs or symptoms because I wasn’t having sex so I would just manage things on my own, but I want to be as responsible as I can with a regular partner. I only took antivirals if I wanted to, and often wouldn’t take them at all. But my plan is to take antivirals daily to reduce transmission risk and wear condoms too.

Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m in my head about general itchiness in the bathing suit area or if it’s prodromal. I’m sure there are tons of reasons I could feel irritated or itchy that aren’t necessarily viral shedding, but in my mind I feel like it’s prodromal since I have no way of knowing. I also get the little nerve sensations down the back of my thighs sometimes. Lately I’ve been extra stressed, sick, sleep deprived, and I’ve been talking to this guy for a few months I really like and we haven’t been intimate yet, just making out, cuddling, stuff like that, and I have already disclosed to him, but we haven’t had an in depth conversation yet about our plan and what we’re comfortable with yet, which I’m hoping comes soon.

My question is, if I notice that nerve sensation randomly at points or feel like maybe I’m slightly irritated or itchy down there, but I have no sores, does this mean I’m shedding the virus ? Do you guys avoid sex all together if you get any small symptom? Or do you rely on the meds and condoms to do their job and only avoid it when you’re most certain? I want to err on the side of caution but don’t want to be overly paranoid

Preferably looking for feedback from men who are divorced with kids or women who are dating/married to a man who’s been divorced with kids, if possible.

This is a genuine question and I would appreciate kind responses, not fear mongering or belittling or dismissiveness. I’m aware these situations can be complicated, any time I’ve talked to friends about them seeing someone with kids I always would ask if they’re up for everything it entails so I know it’s not a small thing.

I’m in my upper 20s and he’s in his 30s. I’ve honestly had a horrible time dating in my 20s. I had one decent relationship and one really bad one and anyone else I’ve ever met has been noncommittal, immature, avoidant, a total douche bag or we just weren’t on the same page. It took me a long time to be happy single, which I have been for the last 1-2 years, and learn to stand firm on my boundaries and walk away when a guy exhibits any of the above qualities. I’ve sustained some bad heartbreaks along the way that have caused me to develop a fear of being vulnerable and intimate with someone new, but at the start of this year I decided I was ready to give dating a shot again. My rule previously was that there was a very slim chance I’d be willing to date a man with kids who’s been married (or not) before, because of the obvious things. Baby mama drama or just in the picture constantly, is he a bad father, or if he’s not how would it look with his schedule being involved with them, stuff like that. Even more so than that though I felt like I wanted to have all the “firsts” with my man. First marriage, first time getting pregnant and having a child together, sharing all of those special moments between us, and the thought of someone already having had that with someone else, especially multiple times over with more than one kid, just kind of made me feel… sad? However, if he’s an incredible man and someone I feel safe with and could see myself with, it’s not a 100% dealbreaker. I care about kids and that they have good childhoods and if it came to it I feel like I could be a positive presence in my partner’s kids lives and could be okay with it… after coming to accept it and be comfortable in the role.

Well I ended up meeting a guy I really like, and he’s been a completely different, amazing experience compared to what I’ve had in the past. We’ve been seeing each other for a few months now and about a month-ish in give or take, he told me he divorced about a year ago (married under a decade) and does have kids. It was kind of a shock to me, I wanted to ask earlier but it didn’t really come up and I was afraid to ask, and he said he felt bad he didn’t tell me sooner, he has apologized profusely and said he didn’t mean to wait to tell Me, it just didn’t come up and the longer time went on the more awkward he felt about it and finally told me because he didn’t want to feel like he was keeping things from me. This was still pretty early in us dating, I was still open to another connection at the time (but it wasn’t as strong), and honestly idk how to describe it but it wasn’t even so much that he waited to tell me that bothered me, but just more so what to do with the fact that he is divorced and has kids and everything that means. I don’t want the focus to be so much on his waiting to tell me being an issue here, I’m more just trying to work through the emotions and logistics of what it all means. Because honestly, if I would have immediately denied him solely based on him being divorced with kids, like I usually do just to avoid any potential issues, I would have missed out on a great guy. And I genuinely really like him. Yes he probably should have told me sooner, we both know that, but he’s made up for it in the ways that count with how he treats me on a continuous basis. I’ve never felt so respected and cared for as I have with him so far and that has been really healing for me.

This issue is, we still haven’t talked about a lot of things, I think we’re both still navigating getting to know each other and aren’t sure how much to say regarding his ex and kids. It comes up sometimes especially more recently, and sometimes I feel okay and other times I feel triggered by it, mostly because there are a lot of things I want to ask but haven’t been ready to yet or don’t know how to say it or am worried what will come up. It kind of triggers me because it was casually stated in the beginning that I did want kids in the future (on my dating profile), and I’m afraid to ask if he would want or be willing to have more kids in the future, if it’s something he would be genuinely okay with or would do it begrudgingly and feel resentful about it. And it’s also tough because I have complicated feelings about having my own kids in general. I always figured I’d have kids and feel like I would be a good mom and want to experience the beauty of it all, but the older I get I’ve gotten comfortable with my life and I still don’t feel ready to have my own children, sometimes I wonder if I really want to have kids and go through all that physical experience and change my whole life (sleepless nights, body changing, newborn stress on a relationship, feeling 1000% committed to my child and not having my single girl life anymore because of course my child would be the most important thing to me and that just sounds so intense, also is it fair of me to bring more kids into the world selfishly when there are tons of kids who didn’t get to choose to be brought into this life and they deserve love and are maybe abandoned or neglected, I.e. adoption), or if I’ll even have the ability to have kids (never having tried, I don’t know what my fertility looks like). At this point though I would say I want kids more than I don’t want them though. So it feels awkward because there is a lot of uncertainty about the topic within myself, so it’s hard to tell him exactly what I want when part of me isn’t so sure and it just feels early to talk about this war within myself. But I wouldn’t want there to be no possibility. My thought process is he had to have seen I put “want kids” on my profile and wouldn’t have matched with me if he absolutely doesn’t want more kids, or he might understand getting back into the dating world it’s a big possibility a lot of women would still want kids. I know I know, I need to just ask but I’ve been processing how I feel and I can’t lie that I’m afraid if he says he doesnt want more or would only do it if he had to then obviously this all crumbles. Plus with our slight age difference, if he is open to more kids with the right person, it feels like it puts pressure on me and I have less time to decide if I want my own kids than if I met someone younger.

His ex still seems to rely on him emotionally a bit, not just for logistics with the kids but when she wants to complain or vent or is going through a rough time, and I’m sure that will fade a little over the years (the emotional part) but it’s obviously hard hearing that she initiated the divorce yet still calls him if she’s going through something (I’m the child of divorced parents and I know my dad has helped my mom with stuff in the few years after the divorce but it’s getting less frequent, so I understand they have a connection that doesn’t just completely evaporate overnight, they had a life together).

Guys idk what I’m trying to say. This is the part I’m

Struggling to articulate within myself. Part of me is very understanding of the situation and even finds “green flag” elements of it. He was a man who was willing to commit and build a life, he’s learned a lot of relationship and communication skills (evident with how he talks to me and handles any potential friction), he was able to procreate and be present enough to father children, he’s had self reflection over his part in the marriage and has grown from it, and if we did have kids together even though I wouldn’t be sad not to share any “firsts” with him it would almost be comforting that he’s had experience with it before? And I hate to say this but sometimes I kind of find it hot? That he’s been married and has kids? Idk if that’s weird but part of it’s attractive, or even just thinking about him being a good father, that kind of thing is heart warming. I WANT him to be a good father and his kids deserve that. All kids do. I would never ever stand in the way of his kids or put myself above them. I want children to grow up in the world knowing they are loved and prioritized and respected by the people who are most important to them. I don’t believe kids should be introduced to a parent’s new partner until it’s very serious, I don’t think kids need to see a revolving door of partners coming in and out, so I wouldn’t even want to meet them until a year or two or whenever it would be clear that we’re serious and I’m not going anywhere. And there are fears about if it comes to that, would the kids like me, would I be a good person in their life that is fun but also a good influence and helps them feel respected and doesn’t try to take the place of anyone. Even as an adult it took me a while to come around to my parents seeing new people after their divorce, and I was really hesitant with my dad’s girlfriend, but she’s always been very kind and generous and funny, so I felt guilty having a wall up with her. It feels like that might be inevitable if I was “the dad’s girlfriend” especially with young kids, which hurts me to think they wouldn’t like me. I know it’s partially silly thinking about all this only a few months in but I have to be realistic that it would come up eventually so I can’t help thinking about it all.

Him having kids isn’t the hardest part for me though, even though it makes me a little sad he has these kids and I wouldn’t have these “firsts” with him and it’s hard to imagine him being a father and not just a single guy, I feel like it’s more about the ex. I feel like it’s none of my business and I genuinely don’t get a say, which truthfully I don’t right now, and that’s understandable at this stage, it’s just that it does make me feel kind of “small”. I appreciate that he’s not the kind of guy who’s come down hard on me saying “just so you know my kids come first and that means I have to have contact with my ex and if you don’t like it you can leave.” He hasn’t been harsh like that at all, he’s been very empathetic and gentle and expressed he doesn’t want me to feel awkward and he feels bad for putting me in this situation.

I feel like this is something I could get more comfortable with over time as I get some questions answered and we talk more about it and it becomes more normalized, right now it just still feels kind of charged and I think we’ve both avoided talking about it a little out of not wanting to make the other uncomfortable. I think we both have good intentions, it’s just learning how to navigate things in any new relationship, which for me it’s been years since I’ve even been in a relationship, I haven’t gotten this far with anyone in a long time to where I can have honest, vulnerable conversations with someone. Honestly I’m just scared. I’m scared dating someone at all again, afraid to lose him and this fun, lovey relationship we’ve started, afraid of intimacy and long term relationships and the future and how all of this would look with him being divorced with kids and I want to overcome my fears, I want to know love is possible for me and be able to have “my person” in my life, which has felt so far out of reach for so long.

So, I’m looking for advice or encouragement on how to work through some of the difficult feelings I have on my end and how to best handle this all, how to respect his kids and ex wife while also still making sure I’m respected where it matters. Like examples of where I am justified to feel XYZ and speak up verses where it’s really not my say and I have to be okay with it. Like I know things will come up, we might have plans that are postponed because of the kids or whatever and I get that, even if at times it’s disappointing, I don’t see myself being angry unless I feel like he handled something poorly with me, which wouldn’t be about the kids it would be about the communication or something. He’s been really good about validating the feelings I’ve shared so far, but I just want to know what your guys advice is if you’re a woman who’s dated or married a guy with kids from a previous marriage or are a man in that situation who can shed light on what it’s like trying to date and keep a new partner happy and comfortable while also being a present father and maintaining responsibilities.

If you made it this far, thank you, I’m just kind of journaling my thoughts and feelings about it at this point and hoping to get some positive feedback.